Hope these don't offend?
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. After a few weeks the owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large] so the word condom won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a great big guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "Can I have 350 please”.
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes !” she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50.... He's the window cleaner!”
Wife asks her husband "what shall I wear to the party tomorrow? Would you like to see me in something long and flowing?"
Husband replies " Yeah the river"
I got my wife a bag of compost for her 40th birthday, and she threw it at me in rage!
Typical woman, you give them the earth and they throw it back in your face!
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:-
"It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped
with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will very happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old nowand I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house.
I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than my school report card that's in the desk drawer
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt.. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Very good-brought a smile to my face. Think I may well be like the wife in your last joke. I would contribute some jokes myself, but sorry, I always forget them!
Your not alone there.
I forget them as well, so I get my mates to e-mail them to me, so much easier.
Got loads of them, but most not suitable for this forum I think.
ElleMac, Sorry about wrong spelling of your name .
Angela Merlel was making a visit to the new PM of France - at the airport she was asked a few standard questions
Name - Angela Merkel
Occupation - No, just 2 days
Hope you like this one?
Kulula is a low cost Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
What am I doing here, seem to have got lost, sorry folks. I'll just .... Ahem, cough , spluttèr, (clears throat and farts) phrrrrt . Woof (exit stage left.
Sorry, me again. I came in from the right I'll just go back the way I, er, came ... Ahem. Cough splutter phrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. Parp.
The Prime Minister of China was being interviewed by a BBC news correspondent about constitutional reform in that country. "Democracy is coming to China" said the PM. "Are you having an election?" said the correspondent. "No, it's just the way my trousers hang" replied the PM. .
Q. What is brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
*A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. *
*'What are you doing?' she asked. *
*'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law
*'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. *
*'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. *
*'Love dress? But you're naked!' *
*'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.' *
*The mother-in-law left. *
*When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for
her husband to arrive. *
*Finally, her husband came home.. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively. **
*'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. *
*'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner? *
*HE NEVER EVEN HEARD THE SHOT ........*
CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....
. and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Got to shake it up(sorry)
Wife shouts to Husband from the bathroom in distress
Husband dashes in and finds she has done the splits exiting the bath
Her !! has caused a suction to the tiles on the floor.
The Husband desperately tries to free her in vain
He thinks about smashing the tile,at least that way he can get her up
He then has second thoughts and calls his mate in
Nibble her ears will you and play with her nipples while I go get a hammer,he says
Why the hell do you want me to do that,says the mate
Well,says the Husband,if you turn her on enough
We can slide her into the kitchen,the tiles in there are less expensive to replace.
Well I have had a really good laugh this morning especially at the lasy few jokes, good job I live on my own, thanks that really is a good start to the day.
I am afraid I am useless at jokes but keep bring them on please. By the way just seen the torch come through our little town which was good but too many coke people about.
love from a happy laughing vivian
This one's for you Vivian
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
One for the Guys
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is
lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,
'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my
cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if
I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another
drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would
you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to
take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons
for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
'Blxxdy hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
Hi mike 700,
Many thanks for the jokes it really brightens up the day I just wish I could think of some but I usually forget the punch line and as I very good friend of says he usually has to explain some, My sister is much better at it than I as she has worked with young college people until she retired.
Keep them coming please good one about the sky.
PS my husband played rugby for local teams and supported Gloucester (the dreaded) I don't know if you know this but if you are a member of a local club and are disabled you can get to twickenham matches for free with a carer and free car parking. I was born in exeter so I am pleased they are now in the league and beating Gloucester..
For many years I was a member of Cardiff Rugby Club at the old Arms Park, and parked my car there every day.
Unfortunately I had to give it up when I moved to England.
I have been to Twickers a few times, the last being when Western Samoa was playing England - I was the only one in a crowd of about 10,000 where I was seated , shouting ' come on Western Samoa'. - in the end it became known as Welsh Samoa amongst the crowd - happy days.
Yes happy days, my hubby just goes to a local team but he enjoys so thats good,
My mum died about 5 years ago but when the rugby was on as she didn't have sky she would phone me and to see two woman on their own fifty miles apart shouting and jumping up and down well not quite, over the phone lines ! what you do when you are having fun, I miss that on saturdays I just shout at the screen and the dog wonders what the heck is going on.
Before I met hubby he went to cardiff with two friends as they got pretty drunk and ended up in the players hotel, he still talks about it.
Wine and Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of 'shxt'.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
Couple of quick ones to finish the evening off :-
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they DO make me look a bit camp.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, etc..."