Well,i type as i go.Is the only way.
Have recently started DA's again(self med).You know that stock pile created when on them.Mind you,have a stock pile of other meds as well.Anyway,i digress.So started Da's again in conjunction of reduced sinemet.Of course,the Neuro doesn't know.Don't trust her anymore(there-in lies a clue)Anyway,things have been great.Won over 2 thousand £ in last month.Synapses firing again.Mind you,have had to do this to off-set the come-down,fall-out from stopping the anti-depressants.At max dose for a couple of years,took some coming off.Like death really.
So now i am caught between life and death.Do i black market carry on DA's,The six month max dose running out.Or do i do the alternative,stop all meds and let everybody see just how *ucked i am.Things have been good lately.I am busy,lively,winning money(also called providing).Thanks to DA's again.Without.i will die again.
I have had a few to drink now.The other night,had a few games of pool(won,thanks to DA's),had a few drinks.So was tipsy.Wife recorded my antics.Nothing new though,been like this well before pd.So,bizarre behaviour,self pity,self hatred,other person switching and general dis-co-ordination.Nothing unusual.But on film,becomes reality,especially in the cold light of day.
The thing is.How much is down to my messed up upbringing,how much to drink.how much to pd.I had not taken my meds since 1.30,this was now 8.00 p.m when filmed.Tried to discuss with Wife this evening.The result,she in bed,Me in top self mode.If she does not understand,then who can.Why should i struggle to try,what is the point.I have gone underground.Made myself a hermit for her pleasure.All for the cause of pleasing Wife and Neuro.With total self sacrifice.No more,i will go down burning,nobody can stop me.Or alternatively.i will stop all meds.Then everyone can weep or laugh over my differing demise.It is an end from either corner.
Parkinsons is just a cap on an already ruined life.
P.S it was our 29th wedding anniversary Wednesday gone.That was a wash-out also.
All has gone that matters