This is my 900th post and, thanks to turnip (that's right, it's his fault if this goes pear shaped), I've been inspired to write THAT novel. But I need help.
I'll kick off by saying I've got a plot which is this:
Somebody kills somebody else, try to cover their tracks, leave clues, car chase, murderer gets pinned down, not wanting to go back to prison to do more bird, he opts for suicide by cop and gets mown down in a hail of rubber bullets.
How do I weave in a sub-plot and a sex scene?
How do I build up the characters?
How do I go about getting a copyright.
What kind of speech should I make at the Melvyn peake awards
Should I imagine the audience naked at the Pulitzer Prizes to get over my nerves, or just turn up naked myself.
I'm stressed out of my tree, where to start? We all have these questions, I know.
As my favourite tea towel says "each journey start with a single step" or sumfin.
My first step is to scream for help.
My favourite tea towel says 'Property of Reading Hospital' in big red letters.
This is strange because I've never been there and don't think I know anyone that has. Perhaps you can weave this into your book. .....the out of place tea towel that gives the columbo-esque detective hero the decisive lead in the case of the Phantom Cake Snaffler....... (cake snaffler gets just desserts)
If I were going to write a book , I would write about my family because I trace family histories as a hobby and have traced 'The Clayton's' (my dad's side of our family back to one Leofane de Clayton who was born in Normandy, France in the year 890 approx. It is extremely interesting.
Hi Eck,How about, .............Once upon a time there was a man and...
This might work
A turnip was growing in a farmer's field. It grew and it grew and it grew.
'By eck', thought the farmer, that's a big un! I think I'll pull it up now.'
He rushed home to fill in his risk assessment form with accompanying notes about safeguarding anything that might need to be safeguarded!
This took him so long that when he returned to his field he found a bogman sitting on top of his turnip singing a song about rainbows and watering cans.
'OI you! Get off me wuzzle!' * I'm gonna pull it up now! *(Yorkshire for turnip)
The little bogman stopped singing and slid down the turnip. He pulled a tatty old tea-towel out of his pocket which was wrapped round a knife and fork. He sat down and looked as if he was ready to eat.
The farmer was puzzled but decided to ignore the bogman and get on with pulling up the turnip. It was much more difficult than he thought it was going to be and he was sweating and swearing in equal measure.
Turning to the bogman to ask for his assistance, he was flabbergasted to see, not one, but seventeen of the creatures, all sitting round the tea-towel, knives and forks at the ready.
'Where did you lot come from?' asked the farmer.
The bogmen just stared back at him without speaking. One of them was sharpening his knife on a stone and it made a sickening scraping noise.
All of a sudden, the turnip began to move on its own. The ground shrank away and the turnip started to roll. It squashed the farmer flat and in no time had run over the bogmen too!
And the moral of this story...
Turnips are unpredictable and Lin is a rotten writer!!
Well it wasted a minute or two and made me concentrate on something other than feeling parkinson ish!!
My favourite fiction writing is the classic Whodunit and my favourite writer is Mary Higgins Clarke. The "whodunit" contains 3 essential features: a murder, a closed circle of suspects, and a detective (see [u]www.squidoo.com/writing_whodunit_mystery[/u] for more information).Most of my writing has been short autobiographical stories based on by career as a teacher and travel.
Well Eck, speaking as an unsuccessful author of many years standing, sitting and lying on the sofa, i can recommend that the best way to start writing a novel is to not start writing a novel.
sit down at your computer, think of a sentence, note the first word, press your finger on the first letter then the second etc.
for i=1 to m
for i=1 to n
for i=1 to o
for i=1 to p
for i=1 to q
buy caribbean island
what a horror story! (note the ambiguity )
reminiscent of the work of Alfred Pitchfork
- neep by neepwest
- potato! (with the infamous peeling sequence in the basin)
- rear turnip (its no wonder he's in a wheelchair)
- vegito (a man conquers his fear of veggies only to find that the swede and the turnip were the same!)
ps mustn't forget his late controversial work 'Bards' where phillip larking, betjeman and Auden suddenly attack people in the street for no apparent reason.
nobody is bothered muchc until ted huges arrives! caw caw.
Wow thanks everyone for the wealth of information, you will all get a mention in my Dedicated To section of my book.
I have been studying hard, immersing myself in the website suggested. Including the bits about Natural Remedies for Horses and for Cats and Dogs. I thought it may come in handy for a future plot: victim killed by holistic tincture. (Hmm Midsummer Murders did that) Hmm nobodies been killed in a giant tumshie (turnip/neep/swede/wuzzle/tater/tottie/tattie) masher/ricer before. Hmm too much like sweeny todd and the mincer.
Anyway its whetting my appetite and I cant wait for my Fedora hat to arrive via e-bay along with my newly purchased quill and ink set from amazon and my crate of Buckfast fortified wine from Buckfast Abbey. Then I can get started.
First I shall start small, publish a fe,w nursery rhymes that I have written in the past here, gain national acclaim; publish a children's book full of moral stories; publish a book for parents full of scary stories about tattie-bogles and parental advice such as " dont smack your kids in the supermarket -your an idiot give yourself a ruddy shake ".
then the biggie ... working title: Unfinished - Take 1
why is the root vegie always the killer ?
its never the celery or broccoli.
I thought that Honey was the root of all evil?
Honey???? Or was it Bunny, cunny, 'dunny' ??? Funny, sunny, gunny ,runny ?? Damned PD?
Ian Rankin is giving 10 tips on how to write a best seller, Mail on Sunday magazine today.
So in this creative writing course, what exactly is the objective ?
Well BA the overall objective is, of course, for the course to be set up. so that, we, the assembled, can, collectively, aspire to be creative in a literary sense. Of course this will take time for this to, eh, yadditty, yadditty, ya. etc, etc, etc.
best of luck with the course BA
oh and make squillions of larvely dosh. However to acheive this we must set ourselve a goal: to the the Martin Pike Awards.
With this dosh we will find a cure for everything that ails us.
and we'll invest the rest in mashed taters & tumshie holdings plc.
Jack be nimble jack be quick
Jack burnt his hawmaws
On the candle wick
He was found the next day by the hotel chamber-person in a wardrobe with an orange in his mouth and a polyethylene bag over his head.
This one from John Gorman - The Masked Poet (tiswas)
Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So they both ate cabbage
The resultant over exposure caused immediate loss of consciousness, coma, respiratory paralysis, seizures, and death.
There was no warning label on the cabbage.
The green grocer, a mr hodges from warmington-on-sea has been charged with wreck less endangerment gbh and manslaughter. He will face a punitive fine if he's really unlucky.
Soz should have read " over exposure to hydrogen sulphide caused immediate loss of consciousness, coma, respiratory paralysis, seizures, and death. "
Didn't proof read before publishing.
There is a lesson in there, somewhere, in the deepest darkest crevasses of the human psyche ( Mrs Eck: "Stop talking like that! You're doing my head in"
And discuss !!!
Not into political correctness , nor is the rest of the civilised world- it's a 'chamber maid' , or perhaps a Glaswegian in a kilt?
1. What colour was the plastic bag?
2. Did he have a smile on his face?
3. Was he an MP?