Hells kitchen and eatery

I thought I’d invest in a new eatery to accommodate different palates.
Benji’s is too nice a place for the regulars that haunt it, looking for various recipes that may wet their voracious appetites.
Please feel free to satisfy your gastronomic lust or share a particularly putrid mixture that will get the taste buds of other patrons moving.

Hell hath no fury like my mum-in-law,
teeth are like daggers and sharp as her claw.
fists are of iron and arms made of steel,
when I got married, was it a good deal?

Sleeping by daylight and hunting at night,
Her bloodshot eyeballs will give you a fright.
Radar for hearing so slight of a sound,
Nostrils are flaring with every bound.

Taking her daughter with her for a meal,
dragging me with them, It seems so surreal.
Bring up the buffet the waiter was told,
Straight off the hot plate. Make sure it's not cold!

Bring us some ox blood to drink with our meat,
Place under candles and swirl with the heat.
Toast all the ancients who slit a few throats,
During the solstice for twenty five groats.

Offal for main course and covered in brine,
Hemlock and nightshade were sprinkled with thyme.
Poisonous Ivy were grilled with toadstools,
smothered in gravy made from the cesspools.

Roast hearts and livers for tasty desserts,
flambé saliva with bogey inserts.
Hairs from hogs armpits entwined round a tongue,
served up with toenails and smokers black lung.

Decant the Urine as though it was Port,
this vintage ruby is popularly sought.
stronger than cider it bites with a hiss,
Poker is joking and taking the p*ss!!!!!!!!!!!


Just loved your poem, and being a mother-in-law made it all the funnier, I feel sure at least ONE of my daughters in law will agree with the sentiments, I will copy it out for them to see, all the best Joyce x

Hi Chef Pokie,

Before I post my world class recipe for roasted cat, can you please reassure me you are taking the piss?

Oh grey, you didn't really mean roasted cat did you? Perhaps you meant roasted rat?
This comment is meant as light hearted banter from a cat lover.


For sake of clarity, my comment was ligh hearted. Do I love cats, well no but I do respect them. They have claws.


I would further like it to be known, I've never have roasted a cat, nor do I have a recipe. Not yet anyway, but Google here I come....

Joyce, my m-in-law and I have a love/hate relationship.

she loves me and I hate her!!!

Grey, I would love a roasted cat recipe if you have one?

Also on the lookout for Dog, budgie, hamster, ferret and a real special spiced chinchilla!!!!

Alice, I thought you were winging your way to Malta?


Aw.....Pokermid, not poor dogs!

My best friend fried, roasted, or boiled, I just could not contemplate.

Have to go to C***a for that, I hope not.

Some Weirdo's Fried Squirrel

~ 1 – 2 squirrels, cut into serving pieces
~ 1 – 2 cans your favourite beer
~ 1 – 2 eggs, beaten
~ flour
~ Steak Seasoning or seasoning salt
~ oil

Soak the squirrel in beer for a day or two. Remove and drain.

Beat the egg(s) in a shallow bowl.

In another bowl, season some flour to taste with the seasoning.

Heat some oil in a large skillet.

Sprinkle the squirrel with the seasoning if desired.

Dip the squirrel in the egg and then the flour. Add to hot oil.

Cook over medium heat until browned. Flip as needed.

Serve and enjoy.

Apparently squirrel taste like the brown meat of chicken

so hang out your nuts and catch tomorrows tea, if you can catch the


And don't forget to chase it down with an ice cold beer. Lovely!

Don't waste the tail - makes good pressie for mother-in-law as

duster, no one else will have one like it.


Hi all,

I'm going to China on Sunday (Peace at last,I hear them say and I hope she gets Shanghai'd) and will try to get hold of some interesting recipes. I've heard Szechuan dog soup is palatable, deep fried catfish eye wontons have a popping sensation as you bite into them, Mongolian hot pot (sad to lose someone that way), flied lice of course and speciality, finger stuffed chicken wings, you don't need all 10 of them (alternatively use toes but remember to tear off the nails as they cause tooth wear and tear and it's not PC as you don't know where they've been!)

Will get back to you all if I find any more delectables.

Love Cecily.


Squirrel has the texture of chicken but tastes more like guinea pig.


Hi Cecily,

Brined Guinea Pig with parsley sauce and guacamole salad!

This is a delicacy from the Inca Gods! First, clean and brine the guinea pigs, cut them up into pieces, rub them with minced fresh garlic and black pepper. Then...deep fry them in coconut oil if possible. Delicious.

You may be right Cecily about squirrel tasting like guinea pig, but can't say i've tasted it although i do recall someone saying it tastes like wild rabbit.


Hi Cutiepie,

I know what you mean about wild rabbit, it has a coarse sort of texture, however domestic rabbit if you can slip into people's back gardens and raid their hutches, is much sweeter!

When I was doing my canoeing rescue course with the sea cadets in Northampton (it was either there or Nottingham I can't quite remember but it began with an N!!) We used to catch the dead rats floating down the river and boil up lovely stews, adding a few voles and some nice fresh water weed. Pity about the Weil's disease.

LOL Cecily.

I see your looking for chinchilla recipes which I haven't got ,but there is one buried in my garden which you can make use of if you like. Make up your own recipe.