The Winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Five surgeons from big cities in the USA are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no bxlls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the arxx are interchangeable.'
Oh C'mon Mike that's ancient! BA
HI Mike, Never think yourself OLD !! You are as young as you feel.....Or as young as other people THINK you are....you can't be a day over 70 "!!! Only joking Mike, I know exactly how old you are.And as you know Angels never tell?
Not been on for a wee while. This is like a blank canvas crying out for some graffiti.
Currently trying to convince monster-out-law a brand of spreadable butter is not margarine infused with horse DNA.
And I've worked out mike's age from his user name and its either 700 or 1313.
Well,Eck, I reckon our Mikey must be about 65 years old!
Not good enough for creative corner:
Hi there Eck I'm clicketty click
Born in the year of our Lord 46
I try to make the best of being old
But I'd much rather be young, if I may be bold
I don't look my age really or so I'm told
But Parkie is starting to take it's toll
With balance problems and that damn freeze
But I keep on going and try to please
Like earning a few extra pounds when I can
This last two weeks in CopenhaGAN
Where I'm sitting here in my room alone
Writing out this ridiculous poem
Only a couple of days left thank God
'cause Now that i'm older i'm a home loving sxx
Yes even though To some I'm old wrinkly & grey
I can yet still cut it she's been known to say
anyway it's now fifty minutes past the witching hour
And I really don't want to appear too dour
But it's up early in the morning but not for me that crazy biking
There are Hundreds running around this old town of the Viking
I'll get picked up by a uniformed Danish pastry
Now now, Don't jump the gun & be too hasty
For I am old and she is twenty
And even though she has looks a plenty
I'll come away with rep in tact
Won't even give her a second glance in fact
However at the end of this long week
A present she'll get and a peck on the cheek
Then home for me at clicketty click or so
After earning a legitimate wad of dough
It then will be debrief and a little rest
Can't think of more I'm off to bed, all the best.
Hi, all! I am new to the forum and am looking at the Social Club for the first time. Keeping a strong sense of humor is so important with PD; it helps in accepting everything that comes with it.
I learned a bit about the value of humor when I went to the Parkinson's Institute in California just a month or so after I was diagnosed. Sitting in the waiting room with other patients and feeling quite gloomy, I saw a man enter and walk slowly to the receptionist's desk. He asked where he should go for "the exercise class." The receptionist said, "Beginning or advanced?" When he replied that he wasn't sure, the man sitting next to me spoke up: "Just go on in. Someone will give you a test. They'll knock you down. If you can get up off the floor, you're in the advanced class."
Ever after that, I recognized, too, that there can be humor in our sometimes awful condition.
Did you sumpm is Glaswegian for something?
If you hear a Glaswegian telling you sumpm is a fiffaff, they are telling you that something is reduced by 20%.
If someone tells you an orangutan was in an aboot yer maw and she liked it. They are looking for a slap in the pus.
Pus as in pusbook.
My kingdom for a lasagna!
I went shopping this morning and the checkout lady really had a long face.
Are you going down with a cold?" I asked, no don't think so she said but I am a little 'horse'.
Bought it anyway , but the last lasagne I had tasted faintly of rum. Red rum, in fact.
Would you like a wine to go with that lasagne ?" She asked. "Whinny not?" I replied.
She recommended a Marelot. "That should really filly you up."
Then she noticed the book I was carrying. "Don't see many people reading the classics nowadays." She observed.
"I've read Don Quixote dozens of times," I answered. "But I prefer biographies, like this one of Leon Trotsky."
If she was impressed, it didn't show. "Would you like a dessert to go with your Lasagne?" She enquired.
"What do you hoof?" I asked.
"Special offer, from the Zoo," She held up a dish. "Meringue Utan."
Now, I come from a stable home, but at our last barbecue, a burger fell down the back and got utterly incinerated.
We called it Black Beauty.
Now I understand why eating that Findus lasagna gave me the trots!
I heard someone in a burger bar the other day ask for a Cheeseshergar.
Even meat substitutes are affected. I found one with traces of Uniquorn.
Nay lad! Don' be an ass time to rein in this nonsense.
Thanks BA - I try!
Just off to dinner, and it reminded me of this :
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
So my wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "The stupid hairy xxxxx was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her fat backside with a coat hanger to get her to come out.
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat axxe downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not poop in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
MIke will you please not make me laugh so much it hurts!!!!
It'll be Sweeney Todd pork pies next.
Who's pie would you like to eat and why?
Well, av nivver 'eard such a load 'o old clap trap in mi life. Whar' is wrong wi thi' orl, eh? 'orse Met, my God! 'ti' n't poison. When ah wor a lass back up i' Yorksa,uz mam 'n ah went t'market everee Satursay We allus bowt a gran' piece o' 'orse met. Theear wor allus a queue reet daahn Market street. Mind there, wi dint av a lot o'brass i' them days. 'Orse met. thas nowt rong wi' it Kids today,
dount kna thereborn.
Hi, there is this advert on TV,and I am not being rude, but they ask just one question.........Do you scrunch, or, fold??????
I think they are advertising toilet paper?
Does the advert feature a bear in the woods and a worried looking rabbit?