MY BELOVED our dearest friend££££wise and me.
You will notice that my lovely wife is in rolling eyes mode, this is her way of exibiting disapproval of something I have done, then you will notice her friend on her left or your right , then Mr Cool himself (me) yes folks I am being disaproved of which is rare ( not ) the reason for the muted volcanic attitude is simple , yesterday in one of her spring clean modes, she invited one of these clean your carpet free and only £756.52p to clean your suite, sorry it was Tuesday, so Tuesday, or Dienstag if you come from the same country as the operator ICH BIN EIN BERLINER, yes his home was in Regansburg Deutsland, the same Regansburg that "had had that should be just one had but it is avoiding deletion," yes folks yes fthe same Regansburg that had seven colours of c...p bombed out of it in WW2, now the young lad was not in existance when fire and destruction rained down on his town, the important target was the Messershmidt factories so it had to go, I was trying to hide my 1/72 scale models of the B17 and Lancaster of which I was very proud, but I neednt have worried as his eyes were elsewhere, my wifes bosom would you believe, he was saying words in german which I couldnt understand but sounded very suggestive and as both young lads were" Dishy "my wifes words not mine so a more sustainable atmosphere shall we say was attained they completed the task were paid and left they did a good job suppose I say it myself, as I said that was Tuesday,last night Iwas snoozing on the cooch, or couch if you are not a geordie, or even the settee if you wish and went into a very nasty dream, a murderous vicious dream and this type of dream can become very animated and so it was so animated I fell from a hight of 400mm flat on my face but not before colliding with one of our brand spanking new solid oak coffee tables the colision was sufficent to dislodge a mug of coffee which I HAD FORGOTTEN TO DRINK, I quickly ran to the kitchen and procured the thirst pockets , you will have seen on tv , somone spills 45gallons of liquid and as if by magic the microscopic little elephants suck it all up using only one sheet of the wonderous invention, well ehh no I used the whole roll in my pathetic panic as if she who will be OBEYED sees the massive stain im in doodoo well I managed to avoid her wrath by placing my lap top rest over the stain but this morning came trouble FED "FED WHATS THIS STAIN" I have no idea my precious , I cant see a stain ( I lied) maybe its the way the sunlights reflecting "ITS A STAIN" I have just paid £ 10 000 to have this carpet cleaned and you have poured coffee all over it I thougt she was going to go into orbit when I pointed out the carpet was free it was the suite that you paid £10 000 to have cleaned, I am overegging slightly here the whole job was £75.50, fear not my little female velociraptor, I will fix it, oh I wil rephrase that, I WILL HAVE IT REMOVED and so thats why our German toyboy returned this morning and worked his wunderbar , stain gone, so you may think all is well, well no not really if you notice the smileys the second
one is sad, thats because I ventured into my neighbours on a Thursday, now you may think whats the link, Thursday what can possibly go wrong on a thusrsday or perhaps a Thursday even,well me owld mukers Thursday is bobbys flex his wings day, you know dont you every one names their budgie "BOBBY" and as it is very warm here in NORTHUMBERLAND so I strolled in leaving all the doors open and bobby siezed his moment he was minded to return to his homeland Australia but I was onto his little escape plan and with my frantic neighbour shouting SHUT THAT DOOR with the reaction time of a pit viper on speed I slammed the door,,,,!!!!???? well bobby was half way to his homeland, the front half to be exact whereas the rear , was not going any where , my neighbour went into a rage "yuve kilt im yuve kilt bobby he was thecliverest bord av evaa haaaad oooh" ( shes from wearside,) I thought well you should have taught him not to underestimate the reaction times of a parky sufferer on Duodopa then but I thought I had better keep my mouth shut , especialy as there were still feathers floating in the warm air, also I was in deep brown stuff with beloved and this little version of the TEXAS DOOR BUDGIE MASSACRE would not improve my standing, which it hasne, Im not allowed to enter the lounge until every thing is dry perfectly dry which will be about Christmas, so there you have it the Infamous Nortumbria Budgie Assasin surely a more heinous crime has never occured in the North East.
Dont think too badly of me I bought her a new one exactly the same , what do you think she called him All this actually took place only the names have been changed to avoid lawsuits. FED
, yes folks the same Ramstein