Sorry ladies :
NEVER TRUST A WOMAN !
Woman: Is there a problem, Constable?
Policeman: Madam, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Policeman: Can I see your driving licence please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Policeman: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Policeman: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Policeman: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Policeman: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Policeman: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Constable looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
Inspector: Madam, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Inspector: The constable told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Inspector: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Inspector: Is this your car, madam?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The constable is stunned.
Inspector: The constable claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the Inspector. The policeman snaps open the clutch purse and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Inspector: Thank you madam, the constable told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bathplug told you I was speeding too?
To all my friends who have written to me this year, As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Film in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY…
I have thought very seriously about abandoning this forum, but I know that these 'funnies' help some people so I'll carry on for now.
Hope you like this one ?
One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive
The alarm went out to all the fire stations for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret
formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be
saved. I'll give £ 50,000 to the fire crew that brings them out
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire engines had to be called in as the situation became
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was
now £100,000 to the fire crew who could save the company's
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire engine came
into sight. It was the nearby local village volunteer fire crew composed mainly of Retired men over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared
right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to £ 200,000, and walked over
to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well said Bert," the 70-year-old Chief Officer " the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that effing fire engine".
Hi mike 700 thank you for the jokes
Especially the speeding one.I might try that myself.
And that's a 'thank you' from me, too, Mike.
I'll probably get lynched for saying this, (or Nanny will delete my post), but your jokes are like a breath of fresh air in what can sometimes seem like a very gloomy forum.
Should I post? Oh, what the hell ...
Hi Mike ,back again here's a one liner which might make you smile
What was the first thing a blonde asked when she was told she was pregnant?
Is it mine?
I've got some blonde jokes/ one liners - should I ????..
I'm blondish, I don't mind.
What about the blonde who drove to the airport,saw "AIRPORT LEFT" so turned round and went home
Not blonde this time :
Us older Parkinson's sufferers have problems that most of you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old PD sufferer was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his 6 monthly physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, Doctor it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked – ‘You asked your neighbour?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, and none of us could get the damn lid off’
A bit rude :
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge'.
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
Just a few thoughts!
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; most days you're the fire hydrant. (at least it seems that way.)
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
DID I POST THESE TO YOU BEFORE...??????
There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.
The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5 bill.
This one is a rude rhyme, not a poem I think, and read it quick 'cause I fear it may get removed?
TAXING TIMES AHEAD
The Country was in a terrible state,
And Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.
It was a few minutes before Osborne spoke, so
He said, ‘Sex will now cost you two quid a go,
Whether short, skinny or as big as December.
A tax will be paid on the use of your member.
The PM rose and said look here George,
Will this tax apply to those who like to forge?’
Coalitions and things with guys like Nick Clegg
Who immediately went pale whilst stroking the leg
Of his old compatriot one David Laws
Who has been known to wear other’s drawers
Osborne did think and said after a bit
‘For that you’ll pay double you dirty old git’
Up rose S.Hughes to tremendous applause
And grabbed hold of David,yes Mr. Laws
He straddled across him and had him at will
Then shouted to Osborne, ‘Stick that on the Bill’!
Cameron shouted, ‘I think I’ll resign,
I haven’t had sex for a very long time.
I dream every night of a big juicy pair,
But two quid a go ‘ That’s a little bit dear.’
The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,
John Bercow banged on the Bar with his dong,
‘With a tax on sex whether in front or in back
All we can do is save a big stack
I disagree said Gove, with a leer,
And stuck his big tongue into young Spelman’s ear.
The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went
Then Cameron a messsage to Osborne he sent.
‘Look here’, he cried as he looked in the air,
‘For those who are MP’s a discount is fair.’
With lots of debate and shouting and that
There was many an argument and a whole lot of chat
Until all were agreed on the discounts at last,
And in all the excitement, the dumb Bill was passed.
So now in the beds, of England at night,
There’s many a young lady curled up real tight.
Because they’re taxing our sex our booze and our smokes
And the next thing you know they’ll be taxing our jokes
But two quid a head , the price we must pay
Is worth it I figure ‘cause at the end of the day
To quench our frustrations two quid as such
To get rid of the deficit is not really that much
DADDY’S CAR IS IN THE WOODS
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
OVER 60 ?
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt......"
Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for their glasses ?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
Watch your keyboards if drinking when you read this!
An elderly gentleman goes into a chemist and asks if they sell Viagra.
The chemist replies "Yes, Sir, how many would you like?"
Old man "Can I have 6 please but can you cut them into quarters please?"
Chemist "I can do sir but I have to warn you you won't get much of an erection with a quarter"
Old man "I'm 96 years old; I don't want an erection. I just want it to extend far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!"
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"
Hoh! Less of the viagra jokes, I take one every night, stops me falling out of bed.