Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Beaker, do your stuff." Beaker got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
A very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”
“How about you, Patrick ?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."
“Brilliant, Patrick!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Patrick said
One day, God was looking down at earth, and saw all the misbehaving ( too
Much sex, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol and risqué emails) that
was going on.
So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.
When he returned, the angel told God,
'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.
God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I should send down another angel, to get a second opinion'!
So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.
When the angel returned, he went to God & said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth
Is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because,
He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something, to help them keep
Do you know what the e-mail said ?
Okay, just checking with you.
I didn't get one either ...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. ..
"What the hell.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
Men are happier creatures !!!
What do you expect from such simple creatures?Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister.You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another filling station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £2.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasonsYou can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relativesOn December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People
EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £42.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY - A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS - A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NO Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto .
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request,
so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this,she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Her husband speaks English....hellooo!
I worry about you lot sometimes!
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
£30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen again to options 1 through
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables
when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his
head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who
in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. .
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind
of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name
a Rottweiler Jesus.'
This January shopping sale lark is doing my head in.
Went to curry's, they don't sell curry.
Went to Boots, they don't sell boots.
Went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges and that Virgin Megastore ... what a let down that was.
Thanks for the October jokes just what the forum needed, I don't know where you get them from but keep them coming please.
I get them from friends mainly, some from enemies
I'll keep them coming as long as no one is offended.
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use protection the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his member and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut it off.”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American Doctors, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two weeks. It'll fall off by itself
My wife has been looking through the window since it started snowing, if it gets much worse i'll have to let her in.
How do you turn the dishwasher into a snow plow? Give her a shovel
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at a European border checkpoint.
The Customs Officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'
'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies the Officer, 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishmen replies angrily, 'you idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds the Officer , he's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
A and B were walking along a street in London. A looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
A said to his pal, "B look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back home we could make a fortune..
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking 'cause If they hear our accents, they might think we’re a pair of dopes and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.
Right said B , I'll keep quiet. You do the business .
They go in and A said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of Trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van ready to load them on."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're not from this country are you?"
"Well no," said a surprised A . "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".
Got the wife a Bulldog as a present the other day.
Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and rolls of fat the dog seems to like her.
I mowed the lawn yesterday and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew
facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the whatsits ?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the whatsits. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the whatsits is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the whatsits "
I rest my case.
Good jokes, mike700. You seem to have a never ending supply. And I even understand them! Many thanks.
Thanks for that, some of them are so heavily censored that I wonder if they can still be understood.
Thanks again, I am beginning to think a chuckle a day keeps the blue's away, so keep them coming please.
Here's one for you :-
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”
Martha said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
”I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
”All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
ARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Especially for the ladies :
Men are like:
They only show up when there's food on the table.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
They are always hot, and they are always in your hair.
If you are not careful they'll creep up your legs.
They older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
A few chuckles in those for today! I especially like the one for the ladies.
I don't know your age but I am a girl of the sixties and I am going to another show with all the sixties music and some of the stars from those days. Believe me when I say they are a good laugh as well as good music. When I went to the last one with Chris Montez, Brian Poole and Brian Hyland who was a really handsome guy in his youth, well I nearly fell off my wheelchair,my friend said I was staring with my mouth wide open in shock as he looked like someone from the Munster's, but was still fab.For anyone who was a sixties person they are great show's they have been touring for the last 25 years and another good one is That'll be the Day which covers songs from the 50's to 70's. Maybe I am a lot older than most people on here but you can still dream. I am going to three of these shows before Christmas so no doubt my arms will be aching and I will lose my voice which might please some people..
Good for you Vivian,I guess that I am also a child of the sixties really, I'm now 66 going on 17,and I occasionally go to the 60's shows - especially liked going to see the Shadows, and I used to play all of their music at one time. Now the guitar just sits in it's case ( but at least it is probably increasing in value ).
Here's one to brighten your evening -
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing..
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid....
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?