Act 1: A psychatrists office, Lying down on the proverbial couch, a large man in a kilt and a goatee. He tears of the goatee - on second glance his sporran had slipped.
'Thats better - would hate anyone to think I'd wear a goatee.'
'Now Mister E, it is time to return to your obzessssssion vit - zis vooman vit the strange name - zootee.'
'Sooty is a boy'
'Oh.' The psychiatrist pauses, 'so you are zat, er vay inclined? Vot age ees zis boy?'
'He is zickstee, I mean sixty, and I'm not inclined - I just lean to one side a bit.'
'Zickstee - he ees und old man! Vot zort of pervert are you?'
'I am NOT a pervert, and he is not a man - he is a bear'
'Zo you are not ze pervert but fantasise about having ze roompty-toompty vit a geriatric foory animal?'
'I don't fantise about the roompty - I mean having sex with sooty'
'Ah but last time you said you put your hand oop..'
'No! You nutter - zooty, I mean sooty is a poopet, I mean puppet.'
'Ein poopet vti ders strings - like ze leetle boy Pinochio?'
'I didn't know you spoke German. So a glovenpoopet? And you vair zis glovenpoopet on your hand vile you ...' Psychiatrist makes peculiar hand movement.
'For god sakes no - I've never had, I mean met sooty.'
'Ahzo zis zooty, no I caant go oon, ahm koomin cleeen - ahm frooom wooolveramptn'
'Zo vie, I mean so why the german accent?'
'Because noboody teks ya seriooosly when ya speek like thoos'
'Lets make a deal and both speak proper.'
'Deal now werr wozz I mean where was I? Oh yes so this bear is a distant silent father figure who is really just a puppet of your mother's?'
'Eh? Noooo, he's a children's entertainment. On the telly.
The psychiatrist sits still his fingers making a steeple over his nose.
'Were you ever promised,' the psychiatrist has trouble speaking, 'a toy puppet and never .... (gulp) received (bursts into tears) it?'
'Oh yes - I remember now - its all come back' Mr E starts to howl.
'I was .. promised a Jasper Carrot for my birthday and got a Ken Dodd instead.'
'You poor thing. I was promised sooty and got a thunderbird 3 instead, very uncomfortable in bed.'
'In bed?' the psychiatrist sits upright, suddenly alert.
'Not all that again' Mr E leaps of the couch suprisingly spry.'I'm off to get myself a sooty, sweep and soo.'
'Zo a menage a trois' he faintly hears as the door closes behind him.
That was a lot more entertaining than the original sooty show itself.I hated the annoying little ******s myself.Had a Teddy bear though,it disappeared one day,used to keep dark shadows away.More acts to follow I hope,love your sense of humour.Lightens up the day.
I must confess to having a sooty (dont tell you know who) and a koala - perhaps that explains a lot! Seemingly i had a panda which got destroyed in the washing machine and a teddy that the dog ate. it was tough in those days!
Prequel to Sex and the Sooty
A very calm and serene Eck walks into his local Freshco with a view to exchanging a one pound coin for loose change for to get the bus.
Whilst queueing at the kiosk the young pup in front of Eck starts off a conversation with the young pup behind the counter.
Not wanting to appear nosy Eck and his hand-puppet Arthur start looking around.
Arthur : "Eck you've forgotten your sporran."
Eck bends down and begins to pull his sporran through the slit in front of his kilt and Arthur helps attach the weights he has taken from his coat pocket.
The two pups see this and the customer makes a sharp exit stage right.
Eck: "My good woman, could you please exchange this one pound coin for ten of your ten new penny pieces, please?"
Pup: "I'm sorry, I can't open the till until you buy something."
Arthur: "Why you conning moo"
Arthur lunges forward and grabs the young pup by the throat and throttles her within an inch of her life.
The manager appears to see what all the commotion is about and he too gets a good throttling.
Arthur is finally subdued by security.
So thats the story as it happend.
You must have read about it in the press. It was headline news accross the country.
"ARTI CHOKES 2 FOR A POUND AT FRESHCO".
That produced a spontaneous laugh and a wry smile, two of three things that happen a lot less than they used to. The third of course is a good nights sleep.
act 2 2/3rds
Brighton Rock Revisited
Brighton beach early on a winter's morning.
Sweep: pweep pweep pweep
Sue: Yes the sand does get everywhere, especially if you are a glove puppet.
Sue: Oh, 'the band was in a farse'! Sorry Sweep,I'm practically deaf after being left in front of the amp all evening.
Sweep: pweep pweep pweep pweep pweep
Sue: You shouldn't speak like that about him Sweep. We owe him our livelihoods after all. It was his talent that took us from Guisley to the Palladium (the best fish and chip shop in Rotherham) He may have gotten a bit... up himself, but then so might you if you had your name in lights at the end of the pier.
They both sit silently for a while staring towards the distant pier.
'I'm ...I'm sure it was an accident when he pushed us both into that box tied it up, taped it and moved it 200 yards to the edge and tipped it over a 5 feet high barrier into the sea shouting 'Goodbye losers, hello solo career.'
Sue: I know - I'm too easy on him, but - I Iove that bear- or rather loved. But what will we do... who will give us a hand when we need it?
They sit silenty for a while longer when a large figure looms over them.
'Sue - Sweep - what are you doing washed up on these Brighton pebbles!'
Who are you?
I'm your biggest fan - I will rescue you and give you a loving home.
Sue - Sorry for that - too much excitement and soluble fibre.
That's ok. I'll put you in my Buckfast Bag for Life made from 100% recycled chip paper.
Just then two figures appear.
'Zer ess ze pervert - ee moleste zee eenossent glovenpoopets an ee doidnt poi moi invoice neetha.'
Just at that moment an enormous submarine crashes out of the sea and lands on the psychiatrist and flattens him. Thus ending a tiresome subplot.
Out of a hatch pops - Zooty, sorrry, Sooty.
'Ha ha Baron Eck you have fallen into my trap.'
... to be continued unless enough people send 5 pound to 40-32-40 76784453.
On;y 47p and 16 drachma donated so....
But i'm not a Baron
Sooty: But you are! You are the third Baron of Idle and Thackley - a title that should be mine together with a 0.001% share in Harry Ramsden worth - 50 pounds!
I don't understand
Sooty: H R had a crush on your great aunty Elsie who was working as a travelling pickle agent during world war 2. She drove him to distraction with her dance of the seventy gherkins and her disappearing trick with the pickled egg that had to be seen to be believed. But I digress. You are her only living decendant - though not for long - then the title and shares revert to me.
Soo: But you are just a glove puppet-you can't be in the house of lords
[insert your own gag here or click on [u]HouseOfLordsBunchOfTw*ts.com[/u] to get a random joke]
Sooty: But I AM A POSSESSED GLOVE PUPPET HA HA HA HA (sooty's head spins round and round)
Stranger: Indeed - you are possessed by the Graham Greene character Pinky from Brighton Rock (amazon price 10 pounds ***** ) but I am Greene's drunken sceptical priest figure and I say 'Out damned Pinky and make it perky and leave this poor glove puppet forever!'. (Sooty's eyes spin and his ears blow off, he collapses ).
Soo and Sweep rush to Sooty's side and replace his ears.
Stranger: And now I must find the nearest pub for a cold pint of guiness.
Everyone, except for the psychiatrist, retires to the pub. Guiness and pok scratchings all round. The perfect end to a perfect day. I do love a happy ending!
Sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep.
Soo : No nothing happened last night, I'm only up ferrit 3 days a year
Sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep, pweep.
Soo : How do I like my eggs in the morning? Unfertilized you cheeky pup. Get some square sliced sausage and some tottie on the cooker.
Sooty (enters the scene with his water pistol drawn, full of water and ready to use) :
Soo : We better wait 'til Baron Von Eck gets here, I've no idea what your saying.
Soo : What happened to you sooty? You used to be a very articulate and loving polar bear.
Soo : I know, I know. It was the fags. 120 non filtered a day for sixty years. Now your throats gone and your permanently stained with nicotine.
Soo : Sooty I need to know about my early years. I was too traumatised to remember.
Soo : If you were on Harry H's right hand and sweep was on his left, how did I manage to pop up from time to time?
Sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep, von pweep.
Baron von Eck : Yes Sweep its me. But before I go on I need to go t'loo. It's been some months since my last visit. Egg-bound don't y'know. That's why I'm large. And the goatee beard is a result of one facelift too many (ladies you have been warned). Where is that Sooty with my bidet ...
Ooops that should have said tottie scone on the cooker.
I'm sure it was there when I proof read it through tears of laughing at my own jokes.
Then I posted it and it was scone or rather it wasn't there.
Right I really need to go ... where is that damn bear ...
...square sausage...breakfast at grannies...smell of pee in the common passage...grandad's bottle of phlegm... ah nostalgia
After all that whining about her Lorne sausage she ended up munching bamboo all morning.
Female pandas! Nothing is ever black & white.
That's just like the thing, not only have I lost the plot. I've lost the sub-plot as well.
[Back to you Turnip.]
I've run out of words (hurrah!) so a picture says a thousand (boo!)
I shee myshelf more sean connery than gerard derpardyoo.
It's often been shaid that I'm a shight for shore eyesh.
Cant you shee the reshemblansh
ahem, cough, wheeze.
You can't die MacLeod, your imortal
cough, hack, wheeze.
How was that then, eh? I've still got it. Pech puff splutter pant.
(I need a wee lie down after that. I nearly ended myself there)
(oooh think I've just done myself a mischief )
why mr bond, we meet again (turnipmash.com)
Haw Haw Brilliant.
When did Sweep join the mason's.
Is that another play for another day?
hmm the masons could be a bit touchy, mind you sooty is already orange.
unfortunately I dont think the masons let in pandas like Soo and I can't see her making sandwiches and tea for the lodge. I may be misjudging the masons. I am profoundly ignorant about them. except the only one i met knowingly was a ******* ***** ****. but he was probably the exception.
Sweep at the Lodge
sweep : pweep, pweep, pweep ....
Tap, tap, tap
Baron von Eck : Vas ist das Zooty. Sveep ist givenen avayen das secretzen.
(Eck throttles sweep)
(Eck turns to audience)
B.v.E.: es ist ein gloovenpooopet
(the magic bassoon)
A masonic singspiel
A handsome prince, Spamino, is pursued through the magic forest by a man-eating tortoise.
He faints and is about to be devoured, slowly, by the testudinal beast when
Ezinda the Queen of the night rescues him.
When he awakes he is shown a picture of Spamina and falls in love and vows to rescue
her from the evil Eckastro.
At this point Mozart went off to play billiards with best friend Tony Salieri.
Coming home after a few too many pints of Trockenbeerenauslese and several takeaway
Punschkrapfen he trockenkrapfenned all over the manuscript and had to start again.
'Eetz enoof to make you seek' punned Amadeus.
'pweep pweep pweep' went the dog like puppet on his right hand , on his left a stern looking bear.
'dont look at me like zat zooty' he whimpered, 'I am a gut boy like papa vanted. We will write ze new singspiel, vont ve sveep?'
'you deed a damned gut job of zat last seemphoneee zveep.'
tap tap tap
'vot is dat zooty - yu vont me to write und requiem? but for whom?'
to be continued
(I haven't heard from the Mervyn Peake peeps yet. Maybe they are having a hard time getting sooty's people to talk to their people to talk to PDUK's people.
They may also have difficulty in cramming this short series of plays onto a tea towel.
Or maybe a streak of jealousy cos it is better than gormenghast.
Whatever the reason I've not heard a peep or even a pweep. )
North by north Ghormghast
Scene 1 - Two men lost in a field of maize.
Turnip (fot it is he! harrah!) : I knew this would happen eventually
Eck (for it is also he) : what?
T: that I would end up in one of these sketches, my feet are killing me!'
E: What about my catheter?
T: I was trying not to bring peoples attention to that!'
E: well it makes running very difficult'
T: it would be easier if you lost the stand'
E: it would be easier if you werent sitting on the bed'
T: well as I said, my ankle is hurting rather'
E: we will have to stop - I can't push it any further.
T: so why are we running anyway?
E: obviously going from the title and this field we can expect at any minute to be straffed by a machine gun from a light aircraft
Instead there is a rustle in the maize and a small yellow glove puppet driving a toy car and brandishing a small gun appears-
sooty (for..you know the rest) : gentlemen we meet again!
E: Sooty ! What are you doing here? '
S: 'So you accepted my invitation "to the well deserved winners of the
mervyn peake award for humorous manipulation of glovenpoopets" to be held in a
maize field. hahahahahaahahahahahhahahaahaahaha! Fools. Everyone knows that is always won by RM of Wapping!
I was planning to straff you from a light aircraft but someone had tampered with the aviation fuel.So instead i will have to chase you in my pedal car. Now run!
Run for your lives.
E: But why sooty, why?
S: Because having a children's tv puppet act out of character always gets a few laughs.
T: Not this time Sooty - you've taken this joke too far!
Sooty puts a paw up to his ear and hears - only the wind in the maize.
Sweep: 'Yes - it is I, Sweep. And before you ask a redundant question, yes I can articulate but for various psychological reasons preffered to communicate through pweeping, But now I find necessity stimulates locquasity. My dear friend Sooty, we have to come to the termination of this tale full of sounds and furry
signifying nothing! A tale told by an idiot..'
T: 'I say!'
'So let us all take one last bow and thank the audience for this chance to prance..'
Sooty: 'oh shut up' and shoots sweep
Eck: What's that Sooty, bye bye everyone!
All: bye bye