The heaviest number I suffered from, pre-dx, was a feeling of "what's the point of having me?" I don't that was self-pity - a total feeling of uselesness.
The worst post-dx is probably rage - beyond frustration and all directed inwardly. My langauge was appalling, I had no tolerance of myself, I upset my partner. I knew I was behaving badly, I'm tell yself t osnap out of it/calm down/ walk away from potential (verbal) fights, but rarely t oany good.
The most extraordinary is seeing the change in myself since I added levodopa - no more violence, rage, bad feelings. I even crack jokes (very very bad puns) agian. I didn't really notice how bad I'd got till I got better. In turn that makes me scared: apparently I'm not a free agent, I am a collection of chemical imbalances that are manipulatable by the contents of a pharmacy cupboard and I have no say in the matter. (So where is "I" in all of this? And they call PD a "movement disorder")
That the sort of thing Holly?