"we are here at the Cosmos's Got Talent - the first and last 'Best Universe Contest'. Obviously this event is was and will be outside time and space, but that's neither here nor there (these are the jokes folks), as it will be presented in the appropriate number of dimensions for mortal viewers. By the way, please do not be alarmed if the judges declare your universe is to be binned - remember they are outside your temporal framework"
"but actually you are all doomed - hey this mikes not still on ...sh@t"
"and now the creator of universe one - the Almighty Splittokl"
"So Splittokl... what have you got to show us"
weer looky tae gayt Simon tae hoost thays shaw. Tho saynce thae alternatayv wus wayll dayserved ayternal Stavros Flatley, maebae thayts nawt oll tht surprisin
"well I've gone for a modern minimalist look with a zero dimension singular point universe."
"A black hole in other words?"
"you could put it like that but...."
"but no information leaves it"
"yes but I'm sure..."
"so there's no way of us knowing if there really is a universe or in fact nothing there at all. NO NO NO"
Piers is holding oop wayll ayfter a thoosand earth yeahs in poorgatory for bayin a complete tossa - a wee bit singed boot still mawstly in wan piece
"errr where am, oh yes, a definite NO"
an the blessed Amanda, wayll oon the wae tae sainthood...
"I really really hate to condemn a whole universe... but what the - NO."
Three large Xs appear and Splittokl is gone.
an the naykst contaystant ays the mooltiple-personed xqxxqx
"I've err, made an umm two dimensional universe"
"Not another flat-world"
Simon ays nawt impressed
"Well show us what happened then"
"err.. I'm afraid it don't quite come off... two dimensions didn't work well - a little flat and even the amoebas couldn't get it together, so, well nothing interesting ever evolved."
"I really hate to...but NO"
"Well that makes three NOs so... goodbye"
And another creator and creation disappear
"This is as bad as the auditions in Leeds...Piers you smell like toast... whose next?"
my he's a bayg lahd, an look at thut zz-top bayrd an ays wayrin a frock - Simon ays nawt impressed...
"so you're name is?"
"and how many dimensions in you're universe?"
"haven't you hear of Occam's razor? or gillette for that matter"
thas a joke from Simon
"err yes but 22 are teeny weeny and not quite real, I had a bit of bother with quantum..."
...its not gawin wayll heah
"so tell us about the real ones"
"Three space and one time"
"What is time?"
"shut up Piers"
"Ah time, my greatest invention yet! Things dont happen all at once! Instead some things start...and then stop...."
Jehovah looked embarrassed.
"So little fluffy creatures - die, suffer loss ..?
Thats so cruel!"
yeh huv tae hand it tae Amanda, shays a grayt greetah
"It had to be done! there is no other way.
Evolution needs failure, sifting of genes - change!
Disease, genetic errors - all are vital to the evolutionary process. Otherwise all there would be is blue algae"
"or Piers as its usually known"
anootha devstatn remark from Simon
"Couldn't you just ... make new species of bunnies and things?"
"My guiding principle is never to intervene, unless of course someone asks VERY nicely. The mechanism must work by itself from first principles - hence all the waste, suffering etc etc etc.There was no alternative"
"He's sort of a Mrs T in drag"
A foony wan from Piers no-less
"Well show us zenith of this universe, the pinnacle of evolutionary selection"
an image manifests before the judges
wull oo widuv bullayvd ate - a dancin doggie...so too thoosn millyawn yayhs oov blood n goats ahv bayn wurth ayt ayftr awl
"Well he gets my vote - YES"
"And mine - YES"
"But the poor bunnies...oh all right YES"
"So tonights winner of the title 'Supreme Being' is Jehovah and his Cruel Universe. And as the only surviving part of the audience, we say goodbye Cruel World! And well done Jevovah.'
"I'd like to thank... where'd everyone go?"