Hi everyone, am new to this so please bear with me!
My mum is 81 and has Parkinson’s. We have a very strange family with very complex relationships and that is putting it mildly. I have an older brother and younger sister. My brother is the apple of mum’s eye and has power of attorney for both finance and care. He lives about an hour’s drive away. He sees Mum approximately 5 to 6 times a year. My sister has a very fragile relationship with my mother (her choice not mum’s) and lives about 45 mins drive away. She rarely sees Mum. I live about 20 mins away and see Mum at least twice a week. She lives alone and depends on me to take her shopping and for company etc. She has a cleaner and an on-call system. My issue is that none of the family are close so none of the siblings listen to each other. My sister knows most about Parkinson’s but doesn’t want to know, my brother knows little but has complete say in Mum’s care. I have no idea what I am doing but I go and spend time with Mum, I take her for days out and we go away for breaks together. She is getting worse in different ways but I am unable to convince my brother of this and we rarely speak anyway. He attends the specialist appointments with Mum so believes he has all the information but my mum is fiercely independent and doesn’t tell anyone but me, how she is really coping/feeling. I feel as though I have no say in her care but I see her the most. She will never tell my brother to involve me and so I just carry on seeing her, not knowing how to help her. I must be able to do more but I don’t know how to go about it and wondered if anyone had any advice please?
Thank you
Hello Angie16. Thanks for sharing all that with us. It certainly looks like a complicated tangled web of issues which should be approached with a great deal of care before attempting to resolve any of it.
I hope this link helps: https://www.google.com/search?q=family+disputes&rlz=1C1DSGP_enGB648GB649&oq=family+disputes&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l7.4975j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
Best wishes
J
Hi J,
That reply was extremely helpful! I have read some but need to read more when I have some quiet time. It will certainly help me to get a handle on my emotions and part in the family and perhaps put my mind at peace more.
Thank you for taking time out to reply to me.
Angie16
Hello, I just wanted to say please don’t underestimate what you are doing to support your mother. You are there for her and that is the main thing. Whilst I appreciate your family relationships are complex, it strikes me that on a day to day level it is you and your mum and you are doing the best you can. No-one can do more than that. The forum is an excellent place to get advice and support so don’t feel you are on your own. Take care and remember you are doing more than alright by your mother
Thank you Tot, I am grateful for your support and words.
Angie16
Sounds a tricky one but also feel your annoyance at not having ‘authoritative status’
By the sounds of things you are doing the best best for your Mum and in his way so is your brother. Parent’s choose to give a child of theirs (Traditionally, often a son if they have one) power of attorney etc because they believe that child will be able to organise and make decisions in their part. Your Mum can change her power of attorney documents to include you but how will that affect what you do for her now ? If your brother will not allow you to attend appointments with him and you feel your Mum isn’t getting the help she could be getting I suggest keeping a dairy of her daily problems and noting her concerns she tells you then emailing them to her Parkinson’s nurse (if she has one) or her Parkinson’s consultant. Similarly Look for a local Parkinson’s support group and take her along and meet others. Register yourself at her GPs as her Carer and with your local Carer’s support network, both will listen to your concerns for your Mum and you.
Being there for your Mum, supporting her, taking her out and away is wonderful and the best anyone could be doing for her. Best Wishes
If the POA is not being used in the best interest of the person it may be a case for contacting the Office of the Public Guardian. Get advice from CAB or a solicitor.
Such a difficult situation when a family is spread out across the country not communicating very well, each busy leading their own lives…You haven’t said how independent (or dependent) mum is .the fact that she has a cleaner maybe a care needs assessment could be arranged to make sure she is getting maximum support that she is entitled to paid or funded.She may be entitled to attendance allowance which can be used to help get her out and about maybe to local Parkinson’s support group or care of the elderly day centre. Your local CAB can be a good source of information and point you in the right direction.You also haven’t said if you have voiced your concern to your mum,maybe if she knew how you felt she may see things quite differently.