Advice please

My parents are both 86 years young and my mum looks after dad who was diagnosed with PD 7 years ago. A few months a go he had a fall and was taken to hospital, he was in for 10 days supposedly for rehabillitaion but was pretty much, dare I say, neglected, he ended up doubly incontinent, completely immobile and came home bedridden. It is truely soul destroying to see because his mind is still active. The issue now is that when he’s on his own with mum he’s a bit of a terror and keeps trying to climb out of bed and takes his incontinence pad off etc etc and shouts her all the time but when anyone else is there he’s fine and settled. Does anyone know why this is? Is he resentful of mum for letting him go to hospital, is he bored? To add insult to injury he’s had glaucoma for years managed with eye drops and is an avid reader but for some reason best known to themselves the hospital stopped his eyedrops so he is now blind. Mum feels desperate, she doe not want him to go into a home but really is struggling, especially at night. Does he need further medication to settle him at night?
Any answers will be gratefully received. Thankyou

l think it sounds as if he is becoming demented. I am 70 and have PD diagnosed 16 years ago. l used to be a solicitor and had many elderly clients who suffered similar problems to your parents. l’ve told my wife that , if l become like your dad, to put me in a home. l jut don’t want to subject my family to having tocare for me. l realise this doesn’t answer your question or solve all your problems but the real problem in these cases is the patient’s insistence on staying at home and refusing professional care. Sorry if this dsounds uncaring or blunt but it’s how l feel.

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Hello jules 12
What a distressing and heartbreaking situation for you all. It is I must admit difficult to know how to respond but I will try to offer something constructive for you to at least maybe see a way forward.

First of all it can’t be easy for your dad if his eye drops have been stopped affecting his vision. I think it would be helpful to find out from his GP why this was and whether they can be reinstated or an alternative found. While you’re at it it may help to bring him or her up to speed with the home situation and make sure they know your mum is his carer. I was going to suggest you ask them to visit and talk with your parents but that doesn’t seem easy to do these days. I do however think they should know of your concerns even if only by letter so there is at least a record.

I don’t know whether they will accept this but your parents are entitled to an adult care assessment by their local council, including a carer’s assessment for your mum in her own right. They may be able to offer some help, whether it is accepted or not is a mute point of course.

It’s difficult to say why he is awful to your mum and ok with others. I suspect there is an element of frustration in that, he may even blame your mum for putting him in hospital and 10 days probably seemed a very long time to him and it may be he became a little instutionalised and is finding it difficult to settle back at home. With regard to being OK with others that might be no more than conforming to society’s rules of acceptable behaviour - that can hold true in the most unlikely people wo otherwise cause all sorts of problems for their spouse or families. I know it’s all maybes and ifs and buts but perhaps something will resonate with you.

I am a bit concerned for your mum and her own health and well being and I know she says she doesn’t want it but maybe she does need to begin to think of what option may be open to her and certainly an assessment could help her identify some of those. I think it will take time for her to understand and accept that and it will need to be sensitively handled so she does not feel decisions are being made for her, but clearly the current situation must be exhausting and worrying for her if nothing else.

May I also suggest you ring the help desk. They are very helpful and may be able to point you in the right direction better than I.

I have read Tim As reply and although it sounds harsh it pretty much reflects my own feelings. What I would say is if your dad is developing dementia it can of course be very difficult for everyone. One of the main problems is that they do not - and of course I am generalising here - take easily to change but once the new routine becomes habit things will often settle down. That may be worth remembering if the decision for a care home is ultimately decided to be the best option or indeed if services are put in place to help.

I send my best wishes to you all, particularly this close to Christmas which seems to magnify everything and do let us know how you are getting on. I hope at least something of what i have written has helped a little I wish I could do more.
Tot

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