Hi, I've had PD since my early 20's and I'm now 37 and I wanted to get your thoughts on something.
I've always maintained that I don't care what other people think of how I walk, talk and move but do I? I ask this because I absolutely cannot under any circumstances watch a video off how I am now. I'm very dyskinetic, my face makes odd expressions. The upshot is seeing me on video (and now my speech is affected too, hearing myself speak) fills me with a mixture of anger and shame. If I'm honest, I have nothing but hate for the person I see in the video and that makes me sad, as I can't even watch my wedding video and grooms speech (the proudest moment of my life). Also, I haven't made any new friends outside the PD community in 8 or 9 years as I'm so reluctant to get out there, talk to people and be me as my speech is so bad when I'm under pressure. I have zero confidence in expressing myself, and when I do, I come across as trying too much and people see me as 'weird' for want of a better word.
MIchael J Fox always said you have to 'abandon your vanity' when you get PD, and to some extent I thought I had, but maybe not? So have I truly accepted the condition? I'm confused!
We can't forget our condition NO WAY WILL WE EVER so with that in mind am not trying to sound harsh but we are what we are and sorry but nothing's gonna change but you have things that do work for instance your eyes your ears ect ect . And yes I also feel sorry for myself but I also have some things that don't go well but like I say I appreciate what bits do work , so I tend to focus on that as you have to adapt for the things and try to have fun as best you can , well good luck in all you do from here on in
ps. Look forward as much as possible to have fun not backwards , because it's like driving if you look backwards you will go backwards , all the very best
I personally believe to be able to fight a battle you need to be strong. It is hard to change the way we think , not easy to think that is their problem not mine when faced with discrimination and a seemingly unkind world. Have you had counselling ? might be worth a try ask your gp. You sound really hard on yourself , how we evaluate ourselves in the past many friends good job etc may not score as many points now but we can always be proud of being strong, being kind all those things that do not bring us wealth but just mayb make us a better person. you would not laugh or judge another because of a disability you are already a better person take the high ground, try not to be forced into being a victim, you are a survivor and to hell with the judgemental, discriminating half wits
In a way I can understand how you must feel Moonshine, I've had PD for nearly seven years and was DX at 57, but you have had to contend with it from a very young age so you are bound to feel resentment at some time. As TeeHee said the best route to take now is counselling, it does wonders for your inner self. I had counselling this time last year which after talking to someone and pouring all my fears and doubts out to the counsellor gave me a feel good factor about myself, I definately came away with a different outlook on life, did'nt think I would, but it worked for me. My Neuro made me an appointment with a group called 'Let's Talk', it's worth a try contacting your Neuro and getting something sorted or approach your PD nurse. I noticed when I went shopping yesterday I was holding on to the trolley waiting for my OH to come back from getting something, I had the shakes in my hand, a young girl sitting in the trolley a few yards away from was looking, as I caught her eye she smiled at me which I thought was lovely, because she did'nt turn away and pretend she was'nt looking, I smiled back.
I wish you all the best and hope you give the counselling a go, there is no shame in it, regardless of your gender, men seem to think they have to be the stronger one, but take a step back a little and think of yourself - Sheila
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