Angry at Dad with PD

Living with Parkinson's Carers, friends and family
1

Hi Everyone,

Very conscious that I only ever come on here to rant or moan, but I’m going to do it again, sorry.

(Also, warning that I’m going to come across as completely cold and heartless in this rant)

Me: Hi Dad, how things? Was thinking we could go out for lunch for you birthday, all together as a family.

Dad: Why? so everyone can look at the shakey oddbod in the corner?

Me: Erm, well no. Pretty sure no one would be staring, but if you don’t want to do that, we should do something. What would you like to do?

Dad: Lifts good arm and draws finger across throat.

Now, it’s not the first time he’s done or suggested something similar, and my response is usually “don’t be daft”. Next time I’m tempted to ask if he would rather I book flights to Belgium or Spain!

I really don’t mean to be heartless, I love my dad, or course I do, but I know he doesn’t mean it, he is just wallowing in the pity of it all. I have no doubt he is feeling lost and hates what is happening, but god forbid we tell him that we understand!!

He won’t leave the house, he won’t come on here, he won’t talk to someone, he just wants us to all sit round and feel sorry for him. I won’t do it! He’s not even that bad in my opinion, he can walk, he can do stairs WITH ease, he can shower and clothe himself, he can cook and he can feed himself. Things are going to get worse and so is his mood and attitude, he needs to realise he’s missing out on what he can actually do right now.

I know I’m making this about me, I hate that, but if he doesn’t want my help what am I supposed to do? He’s pushing everyone away and then moans that we’re not there? but what are we supposed to be there for?

I don’t want to listen to my dad talk about wanting to kill himself! It breaks my heart to see my mum cry about how she stands in the kitchen all day waiting for him to ask her for lunch or a cup of tea where he’s made he give up work! I want to shake her and tell her to tell him no, but I know she never will. I’m finally finding myself after leaving someone who was a manipulative t**t, turns out you really do fall for men like your father!

He made a comment, “you need to take you mum out, find her a new man”. STOP BEING Aremoved by admin as may be offensive to other users, just say you’re sad and you hate what’s happening to your mind and body, SCREAM, SHOUT, CRY, just stop being spiteful to everyone :sob:

Anyone else been able to break through and help a stubborn SOaB, I’m out of ideas

2

Hi @LostDaughter, :wave:

Wow! It sounds like you and your family have been going through a really tough time and it seems like your dad is struggling to adjust to a life with Parkinson’s which is completely understandable. Albeit, I can appreciate how his diagnosis has also affected you are your mum. In light of the information you’ve shared, it sounds like your dad may be experiencing some depression.

Being diagnosed with Parkinson’s can be very stressful and upsetting for many reasons and the condition can have an impact on every aspect of life. So it’s completely understandable that your dad might sometimes experience feelings of depression because of Parkinson’s.

For example, as Parkinson’s symptoms progress, some people may find they have to reduce certain activities like socialising which seems to be the case with your dad. This could lead to loneliness and isolation, which may increase the risk of depression. It’s incredibly sad to hear that you dad talks wanting to kill himself - sometimes, a carer, or someone close to a person with Parkinson’s, may recognise the symptoms of depression more clearly than the person themselves. If this is the case, you should share your concerns with the person and I would strongly encourage them to talk to their GP, specialist or Parkinson’s nurse as soon as possible.

There’s a lot of helpful information on useful contacts for people with Parkinson’s that may be experiencing depression, along with general information for family, friends and carers on how best to support pwp whilst looking after their own mental health. Please visit our website for more information here: https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/information-and-support/depression

Also; we have a confidential helpline with a team of amazing advisers that would love to offer you more support on your situation so do give us a call on 0808 800 0303 if you’d like to speak to someone as soon as possible.

Lastly, we’re a very supportive and kind community here, so I’m sure other members will soon reach out to you with words of encouragement.

Best wishes,
Reah

3

Hello “lost daughter”
Been there myself, and it’s very hard to understand the mixed feelings that you have, and the mixed feelings your dad has, they are not the same. I have had Parkinsons for eleven years now, and when I was diagnosed it was like a bolt out of the blue, shock, horror. Took a lot of getting over it, some people accept it eventually, then some never do. It all depends on how active your dad had been before diagnosis. It is not the same for women as for men, the man is known the “head of the household” the one you look up to, so you can imagine what dad is thinking, put yourself in his way of thinking. Try to get something to keep his mind occupied that he is interested in, there are lots of things on computers, this Forum for instance where you and the rest of the family can learn a lot from about Parkinsons, there is a Social & Poetry side to the form also which dad might be intrested in. Also so in most areas there are Parkinsons groups that have social events and group talks, so look out for one in your area at Parkinsons online. I’m not saying that my advice will work, as some PWP will curl into a ball unfortunately and don’t want to listen to anything, but then if steered into the right direction, just maybe what he needs. It 's not easy by all means and I wish you and your family well, don’t give up on him just yet please, try to still coax him into family life, I know what it feels like. Love to know how things go :hugs: :hugs:

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Hi @LostDaughter, I am here to give a male perspective on your Dad, it seems that he has been acting very selfish. When we go out for a meal I always try to sit with my back to other diners so it is not so apparent of my condition. I have got quite a wobble on when operating the cutlery !! Going back to when I was diagnosed, my consultant told me that the disease isn’t hereditary, well my late eldest brother had the extreme form of Parkinsons in that he had the full body shake, so how can that be right ? As you say, he really needs to stop this pity party act and realize there are people far worse off than him. He needs to grow a pair and act his age not his shoe size. We all on here have the disease but do we moan about our lot ? We talk about it and get on with it. I feel your frustration and anger perhaps he needs to be taught a lesson by you and yours and not visit him for a month and see how soon he craves your attention then. Personally I push the vacuum cleaner around our flat and try to help my wife where I can but she doesn’t trust me to do a lot !! LOL Be the better person, take care, stay safe.

Les

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