Cross roads with relationship in turmoil

Living with Parkinson's Carers, friends and family
121

Hi,

Ropinirole did it for me, I gambled away a fortune, I am off it now and hopefully your husband is off it too. It changed my personality in such a negative way. I was aware of the damage I was heaping on Maddie, sometimes I just couldn't stop. I did have the humility to apologise for my behaviour, but it took it's toll on our relationship. I still see her from time-to-time and we enjoy each other's company much more now, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. The problem is that your husband needs to accept that he is being unreasonable before it can get better. I have witnessed many Parkinson's patients that take a one-dimensional  view of their illness i.e. "Poor old me". They take no notice of how it is affecting the people close to them, and remain angry all the time. This behaviour is also prevalent in other Chronic illnesses e.g. MS.

If you wanted me to speak to him directly please let know, as I have lost the most important centric person in my life. I yearn to be back with Maddie, but I know it will never happen. I might be able to help him realise what he may lose. Did the mood swings start after you married?

 

 

122

I never did reply to your message, sorry. Are you still working?

I have been in a 'steady' state for about eighteen months now.

 

Andy

 

123

Sounds like you both need to go for relationship therapy.  Either a parky's nurse or consultant should be able to refer you. 

I would get him to have cyber s*x with you, then ask, "is it the same?"

sounds like he has more of a problem. 

What medication are you on?

having parkies is bad enough without being sent on a guilt trip and made to feel worse. 

Never heard anything.  Drag him onto jeremy Kyle, try and get in a swift punch while his goons aren't looking and blame it on the parkies. 

How on earth can it be the same?

i speak from experience. Mrs Eck and I tried it once, after a few seconds of "ooh-ing" and "ah-ing" she burst out laughing and we've never done it since. 

Actually, that's .....

124

Sorry to join this topic so late, but I have only recently joined the forum and found this to be relevant to me.

My wife and me had a passionate workplace affair, which resulted in the ending of both our previous marriages. We caused some hurt and made huge sacrifices to be together, but that was evidence of our feelings for each other. I was 48 at the time with two grown up children and she was 36 with two young kids who we brought up together. The relationship was challenging but exciting and fulfilling.

A few life events were sent to challenge us, at age 56 and 44, totally unplanned and unexpectedly, we had a child together, more than twenty years after I had a vasectomy. Before anyone jumps to the wrong conclusion, tests showed that my vasectomy had recanalized. I had never had any doubt that my son was mine. As much as he was surprise, we are overjoyed to have him, he is now eight years old.

Then, two years ago, I was diagnosed, I had my suspicions having watched my mother go through it. Now my wife believes that she is going through the menopause.

Putting all of the above together, what was once a passionate relationship has diminished to what I would best describe as going through the motions. Lovemaking is rare, she has admitted to just not feeling like it, but it is hard to ascertain whether this is down to my condition or hers. What is worse for me is that we rarely find time for any closeness or intimacy. I feel that we are in a rut and are going through the motions, whenever we try to discuss it, we end up arguing or blaming each other. To be honest, it is getting me down. I am feeling insecure, but the more that I seek attention, it seems that the greater she resists. I don’t blame PD for the insecurity, I have always suffered a bit from it.

It is frustrating, because I don’t know what to do. I think that we went through too much to let the relationship die, but I don’t want to grow old in a loveless relationship. Also, because we gave up some much to be with each other, I am isolated from former family and friends, I am scared of ending up alone.

Incidentally, I am on ropinorole, but experiencing no effects, either good or bad

125

Hi @gordo,

Wow, it sounds like you and your wife have been going through it. My thoughts truly go out to you both, especially as are both dealing with separate health issues. However, it is not uncommon for couples to experience difficulties in their relationship following a Parkinson’s diagnosis - people can sometimes mourn the life they once have which can cause friction.

Talking openly to each other can bring you closer as a couple. Some people may find they’re dealing with these emotions on their own and they may feel isolated and resentful. As such, you may want to try relationship counselling - we have more information on this via our website here - https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/information-and-support/being-relationship

If you’d like to speak to someone about this sooner, you can speak to one of our advisers via our confidential helpline on 0808 800 0303.

I hope you find this information useful.

Best wishes,
Reah

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126

Many thanks for your reply, all of which makes perfect sense. My concerns about seeking relationship counselling is that it feels like an admission that we can’t resolve our own problems and I also have a fear of maybe hearing truths that my fragile self confidence might not be able to handle

127

Hi @gordo,

You’re more than welcome and it’s completely understandable if you feel a little fragile at the moment. Do take your time and know the support is there for you when you need it.

Best wishes,
Reah

1 Like
128

Hi Maddieraz - I truly empathise with the situation you describe and the difficult dilemma you have with trying to find the right way forward. From my experience, my husband was diagnosed 8/9 years ago, but the specialist felt he had alread had the condition for at least fifteen to twenty years. Whilst it was his increasing noticeable tremmor in his right hand that led my husband to finally acknowledge he needed to be seen by someone, it’s been his increasing mood, memory and behavioral changes that I’ve found much harder to deal with. My husband is very fixated with things having to be dealt with in a particular way, not matter what else is going on. He’s struggling with any kind of acceptance in any sense of the impact his PD is having for him, which to be honest, I’m finding desperately hard and exhausting, as he seems to have absolutely no understanding at all regarding how these affect our day to day lives. All I can suggest, is to perhaps not forget you matter here too. My life has dramatically changed since my husband’s diagnosis to that of a ‘carer’ as opposed to being a partner, which while I find incredibly sad he seems to take for granted. You make a very good point that should he move closer to you and away from his existing and familiar circle of family and friends, this could leave you to take on more responsibilities. Wishing you all the best,

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Hi @anna23,

A warm welcome to the forum.

Thanks for sharing such great advice with the forum. You may not know this, but we have a lot of information and support available to carers like yourself which you can via the Parkinson’s UK website here - https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/information-and-support/caring-someone-parkinsons.

We also have a great team of advisers who have helped carers like yourself come to terms with the drastic change in lifestyle as you’ve suggested in your comment. You’re more than welcome to call our confidential helpline for free on 0808 800 0303,

Best wishes,
Reah