Denial of Dad's situation?


#1

My husband was diagnosed 13 years ago at the age of 43 with parkinson's and he has coped amazingly and I am so proud of how he tackles every day.  He had to take early retirement two years ago and has adapted to this.  We have two children who were only 10 and 16 at the time of diagnosis and we did not tell them for the first three years as symptoms were not entirely obvious. Our eldest has now left home and is settled with her partner and is a great support to us. Our son is living at home and works full time but we realise desperately wants to get somewhere of his own but cannot afford.  Unfortunately our relationship with his seems to have slowly disintegrated.  I feel that he finds it very hard to accept his dad's situation. The result is he does not offer to help at home in anyway at all unless we ask and then it is greeted very unwillingly. I work part time.

My husband cannot cope with conflict and I tend to be the one trying to reason with our son.

I never thought I would reach the point where I would be contemplating saying to him that he must find somewhere of his own - and we would try and help him financially.

The three of us are living together and he comes and goes without hardly ever speaking. I made the situation worse recently by trying to talk to him and he said i was trying to "guilt trip" him about his dad. He did apologise and things seemed better for a few days but it has just reverted back now.

We have always been so close before and I know he is a caring person - he is lovely with his grandparents for example. It is like having a teenager still at home.

This situation is making my husband and I so unhappy. I dont know what to do.

Maggie

 

 


#2

Hi maggie,

If it were one of my sons(i have 3 aged 23,21,18)  I would not have let it get as far as your sons has, as soon as his behaviour started I would have said you have 2 weeks to sort your unhelpful, selfish, childish, disrespectful behaviour out cause i would not accept that behaviour under my roof. Your husband and yourself could do with out added problems. If you financially assist him In any way the message your giving him is its ok too act in all the above ways and still get rewarded.

I love my boys to bits would do anything to help them as long as they were not taking advantage of myself or my husband. I feel i bought my boys with tough love and to prepare them for the real world and life situations, and to be accountable for there own actions from a very young age. This not always easy and at times (very testing) the middle one in particular being a real handful. 

I also have parkinsons since 2013 so understand how difficult life can be and still have youngest living at home.

Ollybex


#3

Maggieone I sympathize with you completely. I am in exactly the same situaton. It's hard because I want to confront him which would lead to a huge argument because we are too alike and clash with each other but my OH doesn't want the stress. I would be interested to know if you find a solution at anytime. Sorry I can't be of help but at least you know your not alone. Be strong and don't give up xxxx


#4

Hello Maggieone

I`m sorry you are in such a difficult position.  It sounds as though your son is taking advantage of you because as a mother you are used to the caring role. 

Can you re-open a conversation with him about the extra demands on you from your husband`s PD and holding down your job and that you are becoming more and more worn down so you will no longer do his laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning.  He would have to do all this if he left home.  If he doesn`t contribute financially to expenses I suggest you could think of those jobs he could do regularly in lieu of `rent` which he would also have to pay if he left home.

If this is not something that you feel you could tackle perhaps his grandparents could talk to him for you.

At 23 he is more than old enough to take responsibility for himself and to understand that unless he becomes a hermit he will have to learn to live supportively with other people.

If none of this works you may have to give a date by which he must leave and make him understand that renting a room in a shared house is the best he can expect and you won`t contribute.  The alternative to this is to do all his own chores, contribute in some way to expenses and to stop making your house such a stressful place for you and your husband.

We are all wishing you well, knowing you will have to be both strong and determined to deal with this but at 23 he is unlikely to change unless brought up short.

Hattie

 


#5

Hi 

thank you for replying and for your kind words. I haven't found any great solutions so far. I thinking talking is the key but choosing the right moment is not always easy. We did have a bit of a heart to heart chat recently. He did open up abit and had some worries of his own about work but hadnt wanted to share with us as he felt we had enough to cope with. Good to know. Family members have been supportive but it is tough at times. Thinking of you toox


#6

Hello Hattie

Thank you for your reply. It was lovely to read. I haven't checked the forum for a little while so hence delay in responding. I have had a bit of a heart to heart chat with him recently which helped. He was some concerns at work with his job and didn't want to tell us as he felt we had enough to cope with. 

Unfortunately I just don't feel as if I am on the same wave length with him at the moment.  He desperately wants to find somewhere to live and I hope we can get on better again when he has his own place. I think as you say he will then appreciate what that entails.

Thank you again for your suggestions and kind words.

Maggie