Denial of Dad's situation?


#1

My husband was diagnosed 13 years ago at the age of 43 with parkinson's and he has coped amazingly and I am so proud of how he tackles every day.  He had to take early retirement two years ago and has adapted to this.  We have two children who were only 10 and 16 at the time of diagnosis and we did not tell them for the first three years as symptoms were not entirely obvious. Our eldest has now left home and is settled with her partner and is a great support to us. Our son is living at home and works full time but we realise desperately wants to get somewhere of his own but cannot afford.  Unfortunately our relationship with his seems to have slowly disintegrated.  I feel that he finds it very hard to accept his dad's situation. The result is he does not offer to help at home in anyway at all unless we ask and then it is greeted very unwillingly. I work part time.

My husband cannot cope with conflict and I tend to be the one trying to reason with our son.

I never thought I would reach the point where I would be contemplating saying to him that he must find somewhere of his own - and we would try and help him financially.

The three of us are living together and he comes and goes without hardly ever speaking. I made the situation worse recently by trying to talk to him and he said i was trying to "guilt trip" him about his dad. He did apologise and things seemed better for a few days but it has just reverted back now.

We have always been so close before and I know he is a caring person - he is lovely with his grandparents for example. It is like having a teenager still at home.

This situation is making my husband and I so unhappy. I dont know what to do.

Maggie

 

 


#2

 


A son will always be a son,

But, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink, if he cant accept the situation , doesn't help, doesn't speak and leads his own life no amount of you trying will change that, it is up to him to come too terms with it, As it has been for you. as a couple you are dealing with what life has dealt you, that is a lesson he has to learn for Himself, you have the support of your daughter, she has accepted and come too terms with it and is there for you and your husband as you are for her.

 if you help him financially will buying his happiness change things?.

the 'guilt trip' was just to turn it back on to you, Make life as best as you can for you and your husband, when he has grown up and accepted it and made his own path in life things might change.


#3

Hi Maggieone,

Sorry to hear about the issues you're dealing with at home. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm sure our members will offer you advice, but please do feel free to call our Helpline too. Our advisers will be happy to offer support and practical guidance. You can reach us on 0808 800 0303 from Monday-Friday: 9am-7pm and Saturday: 10am-2pm. Hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Edwina

Moderation Team
 


#4

Thank you sea angler. You make a lot of sense. I think over recent years I have taken on a role of trying to always "fix things" to smooth things along - not the wisest of moves. As you say it is about making the best we can. I certainly don't want to waste the time at the moment whilst things are stable feeling bad!

We have had a better day today - thank you for responding.

Maggie


#5

Hello maggieone ..i do feel for you both and you may not agree or be happy with my reply .. which ill say ever so politley ,which you and your husband does but the nipper doesnt deserve ... i know what youngsters are like nowadays, but he should be ashamed of himself ! , my mother has just passed away at 72 and up to that day ,all of my family had to have a bit of respect .. she wouldnt of put up with no less..it seems to more you give the more he ll take.. so if you dont mind me saying .. put your foot down (or elsewhere?) ,and let him see what its like in the big wide world out there..the reason he probably so loving and gets on with his grandparents is because they dont live with with him . sorry if i havnt been much help but i hope you can find some good and the stregnth ,because you deserve better . Mike.(a loving father aswell)....ps ive a son the same age whos out scaffolding literally as we speak.. by his own accord ,with manners so it is possible,let him know that.i wish you all.?..all the best. ps bullying comes in all shapes and forms and the world dont a bully......


#6

sorry.. i meant..like a bully... and my apologies if i sound a bit ? coarse..