Hi everyone, Im sure most people on here have or have had depression but I just dont know what to do anymore and I dont know if I need advice or just to vent or what, Im still ridiculously confused after whatever happened a month ago that took my speech. I've been depressed before and was on anti-depressants for a while but managed to come off them over a year ago when I started being able to do more, but Im really struggling at the moment. I guessed this might happen cos Ive been stuck at home not feeling able to do much at all and havent seen people etc, I cant work and dont have a job now and I can't look for one cos Ive got to go into hospital for 6 weeks at some point this year. My brain just will not work so I cant think straight and get so confused which is causing a lot of frustration. Id tried so hard to be positive and have been trying to keep myself busy by doing arts and crafts but Im tired of fighting now and just want to give up. I feel like everyone must just be fed up with me and Im just a burden and a waste of space. Ive got no confidence in myself and I just dont know what to do. Ive done CBT twice before, Ive had councelling etc and know techniques etc but as Im sure you all know, when your health is ruining your life, what can you do?! Im fed up of struggling to do the simplest thing, ive tried a few times to go out and do something and it backfires or Ive made plans and had to cancel which I never do so thats made me feel like a terrible person. Im just tired of it all =(
I am no expert on anything but life would be so much easier for you had the answers too what's really going on, is it PD or is it not and that is hard and with the time you've spent waiting for answers so unfair without them for you to do things in life, we all have aspirations and expectations in life, but with this illness or any illness we have limits, life isn't the same as it used too be and maybe we have too go down a gear or two in what we can do. or what people expect of us.
People ask me what am i doing such and such day or next week or the week after, the answer is i cant tell them or plan and i don't know until that day or hour comes along or what i'll be able too do when it gets here, if i cant do it that day or hour does it matter??, i have told them the score, they can accept it or not, but life is at my pace or the pace the illness decides now. you don't need too please others and your not a burden on them or us it is you who is suffering.
Concentrate on you Suzy being Well.
There are times in our lives when we need support from our loved ones and times when they need support from us. You need support at the moment and I am sure that your loved ones are happy to give it unconditionally.
Depression is a terrible illness, it puts you right at the edge of your tolerance level. I had clinical depression that started at age 19 and my GP told me I was too young to have it, that I had everything I could want and pull myself together. I felt like I was walking a tightrope over a black pit and madness was waiting for me to slip off. I got better when I accepted that it was an illness like any other that needed medication and time.
I agree with Sea Angler, not having an explanation or a diagnosis for what is happening to you is so difficult, the waiting and the anxiety is awful. I really feel for you and wish I could help you. I can only tell you what happened to me and can say that I recovered, I am a better person, I have a love of life that I never had before. Yes I have PD but at the moment I am active in making myself the best I can be with the set of symptoms I have.
Please try to understand that you are not a waste of space, you are a beautiful person who needs support at this time, you deserve it.
Hi SA, thank you, yeah it would be easier to know exactly what was body was doing and why, but at the moment I haven't even thought about that, my brain is so tired and confused I dont know what im thinking to be honest. I did accept a long time ago that I had limits and I gave up on the jobs I wanted to do, I had been doing pretty well mentally for a while cos I had a job so I had a purpose and money to go and do things I enjoyed, I struggled physically but I was happy. But now after this mini-stroke type of thing ive not been able to go out and the couple of times I have gone out I seem to have lost the ability to feel happiness or excitement, maybe cos i feel too ill, I dont know. Im just fed up of trying so hard to have a life when it just seems impossible. And because im confused i cant tell if I should be staying at home resting but allowing my body to become even weaker or if I should try and do things. I went to see some friends Saturday night and my brain went funny again and I couldnt talk, think or move my face, my friends had to put me in a cab home and ive been in bed ever since, I feel stupid for even trying to go out. I think people do understand if I have to cancel but I cant handle cancelling on someone.
Hi Juju, thanks for sharing your story. I have been through this before and improved but that was because my health improved and I was able to go out and do things again, antidepressants didn't make much of a difference to me. Yeah I do feel like Im going mad, especially with the confusion too, ive totally lost control. I dont know how people keep fighting their illness for decades, I dont want to do that, i started getting problems when I was 10 so its been 18 years already of not knowing why my body doesnt work properly, although a lot of the PD type symptoms have only been the last year or so. I think I feel like a burden a lot cos Im used to being the one who's there to help everyone else, I dont like focusing on me and my problems. I just cant see what Ive got to offer anyone, especially feeling as down as this. Thank you both of you, I hope this is just another trick my brain is playing on me and Ill be able to pull myself out of but Im too tired to try at the moment x