Dear Casie
Not at all! I really value your post and advice!
Thanks so much
Hi Gaia, Im similar in that I always want to help and care for everyone but theres only so much anyone can take, and especially if he wont accept help, theres not much you can do. I get really frustrated with people who moan about a problem but wont get help! And its a bit hard to advise on the relationship situation cos people are so different, from my perspective as a 'sick' person Id appreciate someone mentioning it to me because Id feel they are just concerned and want whats best, like Im sure you do. But Im aware of my problems and if I ever get talking to a guy Im very open about all my health issues and am ready to accept not everybody can deal with something as big as PD or any big illness really, you certainly shouldnt feel bad about that, especially when its because of having a bad experience of being in a relationship with someone who is ill. I know the urge to want to help everyone but some people cant be helped until they are ready. Do what feels right to you x
I am going to have to tell him what my concerns are - he is not hearing me at all.
Any advice on how to do this?
Would it be better for him if just walked away?
Would appreciate your help.
Thank you, that is helpful, I appreciate your response. X
Personally I would tell him what your concerns are, tell him everything and if he wont accept it then its probably best to walk away before you get even more involved! Sounds like hes been in denial for quite a while and doesnt know how to deal with the fact something might be wrong, so he may not appreciate you telling him but I think you need to get it out in the open. But obviously only you know your situation properly, others can only suggest!
Suzy that is good advice. I didn't want to have to do this but I can't act like there is nothing wrong every time it manifests - that seems wrong to me. He is not taking hints. I don't think he will appreciate it at all.
I'm so grateful for this forum, without it I wouldn't have anyone to talk to and I feel very vulnerable.
Do you think I should mention PD or be more general? What words would you have wanted to hear from another>?
Well at least if he does take it badly it might make it easier to walk away, knowing that you tried, but you cant help people that wont help themselves. I reckon just start with being a bit more general and say you can't stop worrying that something is wrong and you really wish he would get it looked into because it might be something that can be helped and that its only because you care and dont like to see him suffer. Say you can understand it must be difficult not knowing whats going on and it probably is easier to ignore it and try and get on with things but thats not good in the long run. Say you dont want to upset him or argue but you can't ignore it anymore and you really hope he will accept some help and that its nothing to ashamed of. But like I said I dont know this man and situations like this can affect peoples moods etc but thats the kind of thing I'd say, make sure you dont scare him listing all the symptoms you have noticed cos he might feel you have been spying on him hehe. Good luck x
That's really helpful. I have said things along those lines before and he brushed them aside. I guess I can still be non-specific but more emphatic? He has said there was no point going to the doctor's before when I tried to suggest he should get things checked out.
I guess the problem is that although I want to be supportive of him, I cannot offer guarantee that I will be there through it all if it did turn out he has a condition. I'm really not sure I can take it after my last experience. So in one way I am encouraging him to get things checked out and in another I am saying "but I may not be around through it all" if things turn out that way. That's bad!
Wouldn't logic be that if I cannot offer that guarantee I should not be pressing for anything? But then I can't ignore it all and carry on like nothing is worrying me - that's just not me. Should I just walk away? But then I value and respect him as a fiend. Am I being selfish? I can't think straight, my mind is in a spin.
Suzy - your advice in #27 is excellent, re-reading it I understand better what to do and say. I will repeat concerns and be honest about and explain my shortcomings in general terms. Thank you so much.
No problem =) yeah it is a tricky situation, and one I understand cos I care too much about everyone too, its probably best to have one last conversation with him, you can be a bit more specific if being more general didnt work before, but instead of saying "i think you've got Parkinsons" maybe say "if it was something like parkinsons theres some really effective treatments and so much support out there" then you can put that thought in his head hopefully without scaring him, then you never know, he may look into PD in his own time. But it sounds like hes not ready to deal with any of it yet and it will stress you out to no end so Id have one last chat with him about it and then walk away. You can always say you will be there as a friend if he needs you, you dont have to cut him out completely. Your obviously a caring person so its not like you are being a selfish cow! You know it can be hard being with someone with an illness and if you dont feel you can handle it its best to leave now because it probably wouldnt work out. Dont be too hard on yourself, ive had relationships end because they didnt want to deal with it and I dont think you are a bad person x
Thank you - I can't tell you how helpful this is. I feel so distressed but this makes it clear I have to keep it together, be strong & manage my fear. X
Im glad I can help, thats what these forums are for, to support each other! Im sorry you are in this difficult situation, let us know how things work out if you can x
Hi all
Well here is an update - he knew, he just didn't tell me. He hasn't told me exactly what it is (yet) or whether he's having any treatment, he's just not acting ignorant like he used to.
Don't really feel anything (yet) - I'm certainly not surprised though.
Five months on...
Gaia
Hello Gaia
I have just picked up thread, it appears to me that you are supportive and patient, probably a sign that you would like you relationship to work, and he is probably reassured that you are still there. Hopefully he will now open up a bit more to you.
I wish you both all the best for your future relationship, hope it is a very long one. I am sure you have seen there is lots of support here for both of you.
Regards
Bethankit
Thank you.
I have been through this kind of thing before, posting on forums, worrying, doing research.
It takes it out of you.
Regards
G
I think Gaia that you have already made a decision when I looked back at your posts. over the months.
If you are really committed to your partner, Parkinsons, or any other diagnosis would not be a problem for you.
However, having being faced with such a situation before, if I read your posts correctly, then you walkedaway as you felt that you could not cope.
If this is your decision, then sooner ratherthan later, is better, IMO.Donlt give your partner false hopes of being there for the duration if you are not going to be there.Cruee to be kind.
Thanks Benji
I was wrong, it seems he does not think there is a problem. That I am over-reacting.
I don't know what to do, I feel I am making a mess of this.
I did "walk away" before - I had a "caring" role for several years and in the end it got too difficult for me. But then in that instance I had little help or co-operation and it was very painful emotionally. I'm still not over it. I can honestly say I gave it everything, but that was not enough.
I am turning into a negative figure - you may be right that I should be cruel to be kind, but if you'll forgive the cliche, it's tearing me apart.
Thanks