Hello Sad Daughter,
Your honesty and forthrightness is commendable and what you have communicated indicates that you are warm, kind and sensitive human being.
This is a sensitive subject and difficult for all of us to come to terms with. The care of an elderly male and keeping hygiene standards, particularly in the more sensitive areas is not easy even for non-family helpers (professional care staff, nurses, etc) for a daughter to tend to her father for such needs, is in my view, very stressful and may I say unreasonable for one to have do such duties. As it would be for a son to undertake these sensitive tasks on his mother.
It is really beyond my ability to make recommendations or give advice on this. I’m hoping our all-seeing Moderator may see this and be able offer advice.
Your brothers are helping to resolve this and sometimes other relations (cousins, etc) are helpful. Also social services must be available to help. The problem of timing, of suddenness of the needs of your dad and his unavoidable lack of control, coupled with unpredictability is indicative of the need for full time care.
I have some experience of this kind of problem in that in the sixties when my wife and I were first married her grandfather had a stroke and was totally incontinent. He had two daughters and three granddaughters who refused to clean him so I had to help. I was of course at work and sometimes when I arrived home (we were living at my wife's mother’s house). It was horrendous. There wasn’t home help or carers available in those days.
You are brave to bring this subject up. I do so hope it can be resolved. I know some of the female members of this forum will be able to help and offer advice.
Please try not to feel guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about.