Help


#1

I lost my dad on Friday morning and I feel like the pain is never going to end. I know it's only been two days and everyone says time while heal but it is so hard. I wish I could feel my dad near me. I've been asking him to help me get through this.

The nights are the worst. I put off going to bed for as long as poss because when I lay there I just think and cry. 

Does anyone have any suggestions to help me cope? 


#2

Hello Isee73  all

                      Losing your Dad is a terrible blow,and one which can bring you to your knees, did your Father have a long term illness or was it a very quick death, I am sorry to seem so brutal but both of those tragic examples  tear at your heart until you think it must surely break,. I lost my father two years ago, he had been dying for over two years and it was a ordeal I would not like to repeat,and when he finally left us ,sad though it was he had at last found peace. My father is now returned to the vast expanse from where we all originated the elements which make up our species and all other living things on our world are all  around us, imagine being part of the vast universe    but even more being part of all the knowledge that exists in the vast infinity which you can see with your own eyes, simply go to a place with no light pollution , as dark as possible and look up, I guarantee  you  its breath taking, and your Father will be nearby or watching from the most brightly shining star or following  a bright comet or part of a Super Nova  a exploding ever expanding  gas cloud these incredible visions contain all that is necessary  for life and your Dad can be part of it all, such a priveledge to travel in a microsecond to infinity  witnessing  the millions of other lifeforms that exist with us in our own Galaxy the Milky Way ,I cannot imagine the sheer exhilaration of being part of every thing that ever was and ever will be, your Dad has that, also a more down to earth way to ease your pain, go to a Garden Centre and buy some bulbs, I chose snow drops and crocus, also a few  daffodils, then go to the beautiful places you shared with your  dad and plant them , go to as many places a s you can on the aniversary of  his  passing and plant some more, plant them in clumps the look better that way, then you will know in your heart that a living memory to your dearest Father will live on,,for ever.

                    May you find the peace you wish for               Des             (fedexlike)


#3

Hello Again Isee73

I hope you dont think my views are a bit extreme, but  it is my way of dealing with the loss of someone close I apply the same logic to whoever they may be and it also removes the fear of my own death whenever that my be, the idea that close family and friends are existing on a higher plain and have total freedom, no fear no pressure no diseases or enforced terror of any  kind gives me comfort and peace of mind, I have no religious beliefs I firmly believe we are part of the cycle of life as I described which carries through to  the planting of bulbs, they bloom and die back but never really die, any plant or shrub that blooms and fades throughout the year can give the same joy when spring arrives and you can witness new life , it works for me  there are snow drops and crocus colonies from Oxford to Northumberland  some in the Lake District  and some in a flower bed outside a whisky distillery in Scotland, and some of the brightest displays are to be seen on the Landscaped pit heaps where my father used to work. I sincerely hope that my words can in some small way assuage the pain you feel and allow your heartache to ease.

                      I wish you well and will think of you as you endure , be strong

                                                Fed


#4

Hi fed

 

thanks for your kind words. Dad had pd for about twenty years. The last few years he had deteriorated  quite a lot. In June last year he was admitted to hospital because he had had quite a few falls and his dementia was getting quite bad. He was in hospital for a couple of weeks and then came home til the beginning of August when he was admitted again because of more falls. Unfortunately at this time it was decided that mum could no longer look after him. We were also asked at this point to make a decision as to whether we would want dad to be resuscitated. We did not realise until then that he was at that stage of his illness.This was so hard for my mum as she had promised him that he would never go into a home. However when he was moved to the home at the beginning of September  the care he received was amazing and I truly believe had it not been for them he would not have lasted as long as he did. In the middle of December he contracted a chest infection which may have been due to silent aspiration as he was having a lot of trouble with swallowing. After 3 lots of antibiotics his temperature was still spiking at 39.1 and was still very chesty and having trouble breathing. The doctors said they could do no more. He took a turn for the worse on New Year's Day and I think we knew it wouldn't be long. But as much as we knew it was coming you still can't prepare yourself. The nights are the hardest. I put off going to bed as long as poss so I'm really tired but I still lay there and think and cry. I ask dad to help me get through this. Everything feels so unreal at the moment


#5

Sorry for repeating myself.


#6

Good morning Isee,

                    The description you gave of  your Fathers illness mirrors the suffering  my Father endured I feel the heartbreak you and your family are going through , also losing sleep grinds you down when you are worn out nothing comes easy , also  you have absolutely no need to apologise , you are shocked heartbroken sad, missing your  Father, the only words that I can offer you now is as time passes you will realise your  Dad was suffering in a world of pain, and your Mother will feel guilty when he had to go into a home , the day before my Dad passed away he did not know anyone, yet when we went to visit him he grabbed my hand and whispered "take me home son" those words will stay with me forever, he wanted to die at home and we could not grant him that simple request, the passing of anyone we love is so final for those left behind,but not for the deceased for those who have left us its the beginning of something more beautiful  than any words can describe, for us only the passing of many years can be the road we must travel until  only the happy memories remain to dissipate your grief.

                                               I wish you well                  Fed


#7

Hi Isee

 

So Sorry to hear about you losing your dad, my dad died 17 years ago and i still miss him terribly , i was and always will be a  daddys girl  whilst i was growing up i never really had much of a relationship with my mother but was really close to my dad , one of the hardest things i had to do was watch my father suffer with cancer,i understand how you feel although it has been 17 years since my dad  passed when i was diagnosed with pd last year it was my dad that i wanted to help me through it , if i had a problem dad would say put the kettle on we will have a cup of tea ,

give yourself time to grieve  and has time goes on you will come to focus on all the happy memories

all the best Isee


#8

We had dad's funeral yesterday. It had been such a long wait from him passing away. I still can't believe he's gone. I'm trying to get on with life but my heart is breaking and watching my mum grieving is so hard. I wish I could feel my dad near me.  I need his strength.


#9

Dear Isee,

Just come back to the forum after a break .  So very sorry to hear your dad has died.  Mine died 29 years ago and just the other day I was driving to see my mum (she is the one with Parkinsons) in her nursing  home and I got quite tearful wishing he was still around to take care of us all like he used to.  I am nearly 57 by the way!

I think father's can be very much underestimated and when they go it is major.  Many, perhaps most, dads are an anchor in life, even when they are ill or not around much for a long time.  When that anchor goes, we are left adrift. 

You are now still in the worst part of grieving.  It does get better.  After a few days, then weeks, then months you will wake up and think, Oh, it's starting to get easier.  This is grief and very human.  You will learn about yourself through it and later, when the process of healing is further on, you will realise that if you can get through that then you are stronger than you thought you were.  Think of it as one of dad's last great gifts to you: giving you the strength to know that things can be really bad but you can get through and he will always be there as an invisible support.

Your mum needs you to keep it together.  Another of life's great lessons: we often have to be our parent's parent.  Everyone is different and you will both get through it together in your own ways.  You are lucky to have your mum and you will be able to support each other over the grief.  Maybe this will bring your relationship with her to progress as well.

Deepest sympathy.  Accept any help people offer you.  When my dad died I wanted to talk about him but no-one asked.  I remember that.  Talking might not help you but if you think it will, take advantage of chances to talk about him and how you feel.  Probably not necessarily with your mum as she will need her own support.  If you can, treat yourself to things you like.  Last advice: don't feel guilty if you stop feeling sad for a minute or more.  That will be dad helping you feel better and the grief healing.

All best wishes,  The Choogler