How i feel


#1

How I Feel-1-10
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1)Struggled since diagnosis in 2009.it is hard to come to terms with the physical failure,when the psychological/mental failure occured long ago.So completes the"total annihilation"of self.

2)People flit in and out,mostly those with pd.Swarm in fascination.Then either use,abuse or drift away.Each dependent upon their own needs and desires.

3)I am back on(self medicated DA'S)Only i know.Life is now bearable again.I have made £4,600 profit in the last month alone betting on the horses again,with my usual zest.I am of worth again,a provider.

4)I have not self harmed in last 6 months.I never did on DA's.Years ago-yes.Did when stopped DA's and then forced on to Anti-depressants.Since stopping the ANT-D's i am back to being a controlled alcoholic.I can't stop.The end is clear.It is in my blood.

5)I have finished therapy now.But the issues still remain.Borderline personality still there.The past never goes away.To those persons who vowed they would always be there for me,where are you now?Also depression,i am off the meds,right now i want to end my life.Why do you think i am on here now?Yet being watched,it is hard.Yet i am clever,a slippery eel.Best left alone,or better still beheaded.The only way to stop a curse is to sever.The Docs and Neuro don't know i have stopped Anti-d's.I tell them nothing now.I like that.Control me,never!! I like that,nobody tells me what to do.

6)I am almost a full time carer(unpaid,no claim,no guilt trip).Yet sruggle to care for self.What a joke.Well,that's life i suppose.I care for ADOPTED dad(aged 90 in june)and my ADOPTED mum,she is in a care home since Nov 2009(the month and year i was diagnosed pd).My dad still lives at home.I go there daily.I do everything,i shave him,feed him,look after everything.An on call dead person,struggling to break free.Unhappy memories flood through me every day,especially when crossing the adoptive threashold.They both have dementia/Alzheimers.I feel like i am looking at my very imminent future.At the end of my tether.There is no solution,way out.Only one.

7)I watch the autopsy programmes on TV.Specifically the Robin Williams PD related one.He was on my same Anti-d's,same sedative i was moved on to.Same pd meds,though i am now on a mixture of DA and pd.Same self harm desire.Same troubled childhood.So many times i have almost Robin William's' d 'd 'd.Mood swings in me are incredible.I dissociate.I want to die.Do i understand why people bale out when they say they never would,NOOOOOO!!!!!!.

8)But i have commitments.Screaming into empty air offers no release.So much time at the other end of the spectrum looking after children and Grandchildren(3 of each)leaves no time in the middle for self or self/wife.We are only 51.We may as well be dead.

9)I have been used and abandoned so many times.I trust nobody.

10)Life is shit with parkinsons,whoever says otherwise is lying!!!

 

The surface is only scratched.controlled this seeing as ive had a few,
yet don't sleep
PD is so much fun-Not.

Titan 


#2

Hi Titan,

i read you're post and found it very emotional.  You obviously have lots going on alongside Parkinson's. I hope writing everything down helped.....for me, I find it helps as it makes me prioritise.   I totally agree...Parkinson's is no fun, it's something I would gladly do without.

i too have elderly parents, my dad is 83 tomorrow and has altzeimers.  Mum will be 80 in July and is his main carer.  A few weeks ago, our family hit crisis, mum wasn't coping.  I contacted our local county council, and trust me.....they were like a comfort blanket.  You don't need to do this alone, there is help available.  My dad now enjoys his carers coming in morning morning and night.  It's taken the pressure off everyone, including my dad.

i realise my advice is probably a 'drop in the ocean' for you, but don't feel alone, there's lots of help available....don't be afraid to ask.

with best intentions and good wishes.


#3

Oh Titan

If only I knew how to help you.

I have no magic words but Ali P is right....there is help out there even though you feel no one understands.

Please take the first step and tell someone, anyone,  how deep the hole is that you have plunged into and how desolate you are.

You are in a terrible place but can be helped to safety.

DONT let this destroy you.

Love

GG


#4

Dearest Titan

How are things today?

Have you found anyone you can talk to or help you?

love

GG


#5

Hi,

     Not been on since this last post.Still here,still winning through the tedium.

                     Thanks

                        Titan


#6

It is good to know you are still here and hanging on.

What will you do when the stash of DAs is used up?

Do you still feel that no one can help you?

I wish you would let someone in.....is your Parkinsons  nurse someone you could trust?

You are loved and loving and your depression is is talking.

PLEASE let someone help.

Love

GG

 

 


#7

I have a friend, he used to be my partner and he was diagnosed last year with Parkinson's. His symptoms have rapidly progressed and I see him becoming increasingly unable to cope and getting depressed. I told him what he should do concerning all aspects of his care saying if he would not help himself then I could not and would not watch him go downhill and not see him again. I told a friend this and she thinks I am heartless. I now feel so awful and guilty. I think he is deliberately not looking after himself as he feels it is so hopeless. He has no family and I suspect his friend is angry that I may not continue supporting him because she will have to help him.  She is elderly and in poor health herself. I have suggested a Social Services assessment but my friend is reluctant to have this as he is determined not to have carers. His situation is inevitably going to worsen as I suspect he is not taking his medication. I am trying to get over the guilt I feel by thinking I can't do anymore for him unless he helps himself. 


#8

Maybe go and give him a final ultimatum that you will help him IF he helps himself.