How I Feel-1-10
1)Struggled since diagnosis in 2009.it is hard to come to terms with the physical failure,when the psychological/mental failure occured long ago.So completes the"total annihilation"of self.
2)People flit in and out,mostly those with pd.Swarm in fascination.Then either use,abuse or drift away.Each dependent upon their own needs and desires.
3)I am back on(self medicated DA'S)Only i know.Life is now bearable again.I have made £4,600 profit in the last month alone betting on the horses again,with my usual zest.I am of worth again,a provider.
4)I have not self harmed in last 6 months.I never did on DA's.Years ago-yes.Did when stopped DA's and then forced on to Anti-depressants.Since stopping the ANT-D's i am back to being a controlled alcoholic.I can't stop.The end is clear.It is in my blood.
5)I have finished therapy now.But the issues still remain.Borderline personality still there.The past never goes away.To those persons who vowed they would always be there for me,where are you now?Also depression,i am off the meds,right now i want to end my life.Why do you think i am on here now?Yet being watched,it is hard.Yet i am clever,a slippery eel.Best left alone,or better still beheaded.The only way to stop a curse is to sever.The Docs and Neuro don't know i have stopped Anti-d's.I tell them nothing now.I like that.Control me,never!! I like that,nobody tells me what to do.
6)I am almost a full time carer(unpaid,no claim,no guilt trip).Yet sruggle to care for self.What a joke.Well,that's life i suppose.I care for ADOPTED dad(aged 90 in june)and my ADOPTED mum,she is in a care home since Nov 2009(the month and year i was diagnosed pd).My dad still lives at home.I go there daily.I do everything,i shave him,feed him,look after everything.An on call dead person,struggling to break free.Unhappy memories flood through me every day,especially when crossing the adoptive threashold.They both have dementia/Alzheimers.I feel like i am looking at my very imminent future.At the end of my tether.There is no solution,way out.Only one.
7)I watch the autopsy programmes on TV.Specifically the Robin Williams PD related one.He was on my same Anti-d's,same sedative i was moved on to.Same pd meds,though i am now on a mixture of DA and pd.Same self harm desire.Same troubled childhood.So many times i have almost Robin William's' d 'd 'd.Mood swings in me are incredible.I dissociate.I want to die.Do i understand why people bale out when they say they never would,NOOOOOO!!!!!!.
8)But i have commitments.Screaming into empty air offers no release.So much time at the other end of the spectrum looking after children and Grandchildren(3 of each)leaves no time in the middle for self or self/wife.We are only 51.We may as well be dead.
9)I have been used and abandoned so many times.I trust nobody.
10)Life is shit with parkinsons,whoever says otherwise is lying!!!
The surface is only scratched.controlled this seeing as ive had a few,
yet don't sleep
PD is so much fun-Not.