You are all being so kind, I have tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.
It is a difficult secret to have because it alienates me from my friends as I cannot tell them what occupies my thoughts for such a big part of the days.
I think that part of the problem is that my husband is the only income provider, I have been home with the children for 8 years. To further complicate things, he has his own business and I think that he is worried that his customers will not renew their contracts and that he will have difficulty recruiting new customers if this comes out. He is going into the office today and I am terrified for him as he has deteriorated since the start of lockdown.
I have done a degree whilst looking after the children and my plan was to finish it this summer and then look for work. Realistically I don’t know when I will be able to make sufficient money for the family though. It would be a career change but both in the long and short run allow my to control my hours.
An alternative would be to try to get back into my old field. I have signed up for email notifications on new jobs but I worry both about not being able to get any job and about the unavoidably long hours, especially if the children just are told some bad news.
Sadly I just feel so numb and a bit broken at the moment. Lockdown and homeschooling with us all in a small flat has been hard. My husband is so brave and works so hard. I have tried to look after the family and him but at the moment I feel so paralysed. I think we were both in denial and the reality just have hit us (but mainly me). Sometimes I look at my husband and I just want to cry at the unfairness of life.
I think I will try to call Parkinson’s UK as soon as I have a bit of time when nobody is listening. That is probably a really good start. I don’t want my husband (or the children) to know how difficult I find it and the children are all on holiday still. I never have any time alone.
Thank you all again.