I want to come homw


#1
My 91year old wife has been in a good nursing home for about 8 weeks after coming out of hospitalbut seems unable to settle - largely because she is unable to communicate with other residents due to speech difficulty,
Her mobility is very limited - cannot feed or drink.
She is convinced that things will all change for the better if only she was back in our bungalow.
Social services will provide some help - 4 visits daily but none during the night. this is the problem because wife needs turning to prevent bed sores and cannot turn herself.
I would dearly love to have her home again but am scared that I will be unable to do anything to help as it always takes two carers to help her with all tasks in the nursing home-cannot stand or walk at present.
So please how do I tell her that coming home simply is not possible. Feel so guilty and at my wits end,
Thanks for listrning
Bless you all
jackmin

#2
Hello Jackmin,

I really wish I knew how to answer your question but I have no wise words. Just wanted to answer you at this late hour so you didn't feel quite so isolated in your dilemma. Your wife is lucky to have your love and care and I guess gentle honesty and kind explanation would be the best policy. She really is in the best place if there is no possibility of overnight care at home. Good luck. I hope you are able to find a way to communicate your concerns to your loved one.

#3
Thanks Silverkins - nice to know that there are friends about at this late hour.
Our son and daughter know about this longing to be at home but both say I will never manage - same view by parkinsons nurse and even staff of nursing home.
I sympathise with my wife but find it so difficult ot pluck up the necessary courage to be as brutally frank.
I visit 6 days a week for about 4 or 5 hours - hard going to keep up conversation,
Having a day off tomorrow but know our daughter will visit Mum while i relax a little.
jackmin

#4
Inwas in a similar position 7 Years , Although in my case it was my mother who had a very bad stroke .

After my dad passed away I took over most everything and although she lived in her own flat it was just across the road from us .

I use to joke with her and if something she needed done came up , I would say don't worry mum I will fix it .

She spent 5 months in hospital and eventually went straight into a nursing home . I was devastated .

Occasionally she would ask if she could come back home with me . During the long nights I know she use to go through all the family ,.friends , and neighbours names ..

At times like that I use to say . mum I just can't fix things anymore . She new ..,!, !.

I kept telling her how much I loved her . Something I had never done before .

It is different of course when it is your wife . .I am now the the same position with my husband , but fortunately at the moment am still able to care for him . Good luck hug .to both of you
!

#5
Jackmin
Like Silverkins I have no insight except to observe that your wife is very lucky to have such a committed and loving husband and family.
I hope you can find a way to convince your wife that she is in the best place.
Elegant Fowl

#6
Jacman
How difficult for you. It is one of those no win situations.

I was wondering if one of your children or a friend might do this, at least to explain how it would be asking more than you could manage. That might help your wife to see it from your perspective as well as her own and prepare the way for you both to talk. Hopefully if someone else can prepare the way you then could talk together about what her worries are concerns and how to manage these.

As i write this I am thinking that this is actually bigger than you, it is a family issue, could the whole family talk together about it? You too need support as well as your wife. Maybe you could get an outsider involved such as a social worker or PD nurse or PUK support worker and have a family group meeting. Very best wishes at this difficult time.

#7
Thanks everyone for kind thoughts.
Since talking to Silverkins I sat late into the night and decided that the time had come to tell my sweetheart that we just couldn't cope at home.

I was going to enjoy a day off today while our daughter visited - unfortunately she hurt her foot and wasn't able to drive!

So once more I went visiting.
I was complaining mildly about my stiff knees (what a topic of conversation!) and this led on to chatting about my general fitness as a carer - and at last I managed to say that I knew I simply couldn't cope. I was amazed when my wife asked if this meant she had to stay where she is! I found that at last I could say I'm sorry but this is the best way. No protest from her surprisingly.

Had someone in the home been talking to her - knowing she is always longing to be away from there? Divine intervention- or maybe the good thoughts of all who have listened to me?
Fingers crossed - this may be the breakthrough - I have resolved that I won't let Minnie (yes that's her name) change my mind hard though this would be.
Thanks again for your support in my hour of need.
Bless you.
jackmin

#8
Oh what a day for you Jackmin, after a long night. Glad we could all help you in your hour of need and like you say it sounds like you've broken the ice with your wife with regard to not coming home. It sounds like she knew all along really in her heart of hearts, but maybe was denying it a little, quite understandably. Don't beat yourself up about this, you've done the right thing and for all the right reasons. Take care.