Longing to go home


#1
hallo all you good folk.
Have talked to you earlier about 'I want to go home' but the situation is much the same.
i visit 6 days each week - our duaghter visits while I recover - but each visit ends in tears and this burning desire to go home - which is just impossible.
I know my wife must realise that her being in the nursing home is the best solution -but I have to sympathise with her - being apart is simply hell.
But what can I do - a 90 year old bloke not too hot on his feet- with the best will in the world - i would be scared of anything going wrong and being unable to help.
It seems so wrong that I am living here in our little nest while she has to stick it out in a home.
I guess it'sthe guilty feeling that bugs me - can't help it - she's my rock.
What can I do?
jackmin

#2
Hello Jackmin, I am sorry to hear things are still difficult for you and your wife. Your posts always touch my heart as the love you feel for your wife Minnie shines through so clearly in your words. I am sure that is why you both feel the wrench of separation so deeply as your love for each other is so strong. You and your wife are lucky to have had such a strong bond for so long. Perhaps you can both take some solace from this, as if you didn't love each other so much it wouldn't be so hard to be apart. I'm sure you wouldn't ever wish to spare the love you've shared for the difficult times now. I guess you cant have one without the other. I'm sure your wife must knows this too. Sorry if this sounds trite, after all what do I know, I'm only 46?! I read your posts and think (and hope in some ways) that my husband and I will still have this to come in 40 years time. We've been married 21years. Perhaps it will be me in the home by then..... Take care, and I pray that time will be the healer for you both.

#3
Dear Jackmin

I'm so sorry to hear that your wife is still saying she is wishing to be at home. It must be simply awful for you.

None of it is easy. I suspect that if your wife did come home the reality would not be as happy as she thinks. The care would be patchy and you would be too tired to be a good companion to her. You probably will never convince her that the care home is the better solution for both of you so, I'm afraid, you will have to 'grin and bear it'.

Thankfully, my husband has only once or twice said he wanted to come home. I have had to accept that his quality of life is better in the home where he knows all his carers, he is stimulated as he never could be at home, he has access to the nursing care that he needs and when I see him I am relaxed, refreshed and able to sit with him for long periods of time without having to think of the next job I have to do. And I get a good night's sleep.

I wish you and your wife well and I am sure you will have the strength to get through this most difficult of times.

Worrals xx

#4
Jackmin

Ah yes. The guilt! Every carer In our position that I have spoken to feels guilty. It seems to be part of the job description. We will always think that maybe we could have tried harder.

W. x

#5
It may also be that "home" is no longer just the bricks and mortar place of recent years, but that remembered time when life was safe and secure, with no confusions or physical challenges.

You did all that was humanly possible, but what your wife needs now is a time of 24/7 care, where those doing the caring work in 8 hour shifts and go away and have a full night's sleep. In an ideal world this is not the way your lives together would have run, and it is a very difficult situation for all concerned.

Look after yourself, and use your precious energies to have some golden times during your visits if possible.

Best wishes x

#6
Dear Jackmin,

I so understand how you feel as although we have only been married for 47 years and known each other for 49 years we feel just like you and it hasn't got any easier for me or him. It is nearly three years now since my husband went into a nursing home and in fact the last six months have been a real struggle emotionally. My husband doesn't ring up asking to come home so much now but the care is not good and we are helpless to do anything about it because there is no other place that can cope with his complex needs.

It must help to know that she is cared for well, have you thought that you could both be together if you were able to live in the same care home if they have residential places. I know there is the cost to consider but it may be an option, some people will think it a mad suggestion but it is quite common really.

Whatever you decide please know that you have many people who understand how you feel and the problem with loving is it hurts so much when you can't be together it is heartbreaking and a struggle to keep your chin up, do enjoy the times you visit,you too Worrals we are unable to do that unfortunately every visit is difficult for us and my husband is getting quite weak now but still has some behavior problems so we are unable to get him to a home near so that I could go in every day.
best wishes
vivian

#7
Thanks all for your kind thoughts. Sorry for being too emotional - but sometimes things just get on top of me.
Much happier today - never a word about 'that place called home'!
While I was there, the physio support worker visited for an hour - isn't that good - and had Minnie trying lots of simple movements and sensory things. I was most impressed and will keep up the good work.
I read that PD folk have up and down days - today was an 'up' one!
Yes, the possibility of me moving in with my wife was raised. This appealed to Minnie but we simply can't afford it - would mean selling the bungalow - more funds to be spent on home fees before Social Services chipped in!
But the idea is there - my turn may come.

This is purely personal now - but I sold my car (to our Grandson) today and somehow feel liberated! I do so little driving - just about the village and the cost per mile is terific. decided that i had done well to drive for so long and didn't want to be a nuisance.
I fancy a 'scooter' - probably feel bit of a plonker at first but who cares.
Thanks again for all your loving thoughts - no idea how much you have helped me.
Goodnight, God Bless.
jackmin.

#8
Heartened to hear you've both had a better day, Jackmin. The physio sounds excellent. Good luck with the scooter. What fun!

#9
Platespinner: you are so right. I would echo everything you say - and you have expressed it so well.

Jackmin: it is good that you can see the positive side of giving up driving. Good luck with the scooter! Love to you and Minnie.

#10
Worrals: thank you for your kind words.... I learned the hard way that I couldn't meet my Mum's needs, and agonised over trying to do what was needed versus what was wanted. And that desire to stay at "home" and be autonomous and independent despite the realities actually resulted in being lonely, isolated, vulnerable and unsafe, with erratic care provided by paid-for carers and intermittent visits. Ah, the benefits of hindsight!

Jackmin: As you say, there are up and down days, with no rhyme nor reason - but the downs pull you down too. Perhaps now that you are able to rest a little more without the daily stresses you are also beginning to recuperate yourself, and are beginning to "feel" a little more - I think caring brings with it a need to quash your own feelings just to keep going on a daily basis.

Well done on sorting out the car with a new (and no doubt very appreciative) owner - and another major stress and expense removed that you don't have to worry about.

Best wishes xxx