Well good evening all, in a way a little light hearted post about my experience today because I would like to share with those of you who understand where I'm coming from.Last night I could not sleep and so I wrote a little note about my feelings to give to my neurologist today....now writing something at 2.30 am turns out to be a very honest and raw piece of writing.So at my appointment when asked how I was doing I started to say and then said you know what I think this note explains it more and I handed over the note to the neurologist (by the way I had not seen this young guy before but he was great. well his face was a picture and I started to feel bad that I had given it to him I just could not be sure he seemed to take a long time to read it his eyes were wide and his mouth open as he read, but wasn't until I was leaving that my actual neurologist came into to quickly recP all that we had spoken about and she said to the young guy well how's your first PD clinic been ....he never answered. I will say that if you can't sleep write things down because I find in those hours you are so much more open and honest with yourself. This is my note to myself (I have also decided to try and do this daily if for nothing else to monitor how I'm feeling and mood which is the biggest impact for me)
I think i have very few physical signs of PD and people always say to me you would never know which is good Im sure it is but it just makes the way I do feel even harder to talk about; my right hand tremors but since my meds were changed even this wearing off time has improved but Im still not me ....not the me I want to be,
the head symptoms the ones you can't see are the ones that are frightening me - fatigue (like, not able to get out of bed fatigue) I really don't know how I do get up but I do but only because I need a wee, coming home from work and just needing to sleep, inability to make decisions, can't do more than one thing at a time, easily distracted, flitting from one thing to another, low mood, big time anxiety at least one panic attack out of the blue which did scare me; worried because I think I am struggling to maintain work role feel I am pretty useless and then there's my lovely partner
I am just so snappy at him, but I don't care then I do I just can't see what a cow I am being to him then I do and I wonder why he is here. Today was his birthday and I'm sure I made it a shit day ...well night and we weren't together for that long just a meal which was crap....he asked me what was wrong because I seemed all on edge I hadn't given it any thought but when I did I was like a coiled spring just waiting to burst open WHY!!?...I don't know.......this was followed up with I was snappy and just to say whatever it was that was on my mind because something obviously was.....but at that time there wasn't anything on my mind......but I know I wasn't happy
I am unhappy and at times i just feel so sad with life because of this apathy and mood swings.
The person that I was seems to have gone I just don't feel like me I have lost my joy, spontaneity, motivation, desire, love ,my fun ,my smile ,my eagerness to please, my life sometimes I've lost me and Im not even sure that i even still look like me but I want me back please.
I feel like I am just destroying all the good things in my life yes I have had a few bad times this year and it's only March but I just can't move on from them some are beyond my control , some I just should not care about and yet I do and some are of my own doing.
Will someone tell me how do I get my happy head back on x