Mood Swings, changed Personality and so much more

Living with Parkinson's Carers, friends and family
1

Hi,

I am not sure what I am looking for here, maybe advice, maybe understanding from others going though this, maybe just need to get it out, I feel bad about saying things as I know things are not easy for him, though he seems to have no idea or thought what he is doing and how he is treating us, he always feels fully justified and that if he acts in a way that is upsetting to us, he doesn’t seem to know he has done it just has it that we have done the wrong thing.

My husband is 43 and was diagnosed with PD about 7 years ago and hasn’t worked for the last 5 years, things go up and down though over the last year or so this have been getting to a breaking point.

I have 2 daughters almost 18 and 21.

My 18 year has already moved out after he kicked her out over an argument that he wasn’t involved in, she was fighting with her sister then he got involved and started yelling at her and told her to get out.
Then he messaged her and was more understanding and before she could reply he messaged her again to come get her shit out of the house otherwise he would put it in her car and call the cops and report the car as an abandon vehicle.

Today he has been at my 21 year old calling her a free loader and saying a heap of things that made her leave in tears and come to my work though while she was there he was messaging her and me out of concern for her and told me she had just gone off, she is sitting next to me in tears saying he is bipolar and I have to agree he does this kind of thing to me one minute he is fine then he just gets angry.

Has anyone else experienced this behaviour?

I find it hard to talk to him as he seems to not even notice he is being as horrible as he is, even his facial expressions have changed in him, the expression if looks could kill, that’s how he looks sometimes at you, and if you ask what’s the matter or say he looks angry, he shakes it of as a little annoyed or something, nothing to the extremes that his expression is saying.

This weekend just past he did it to me because I went and caught up with a friend from out of town that I haven’t seen in 6 months, and we where just going to go out for lunch and a drink or two then come home for a swim, we decided to stay 2 hours longer as we where with other friends, I let him know that we where staying longer, though when I got home he was so mad at me and even the next day demanded I apologise for being so rude and going out with my friends for that long.

It is just getting hard to keep pretending like it is fine when he is finally over the bad mood swings that can last for days or weeks, I came from a relationship that well to put it short very bad, and promised myself for me and my kids that I would not let anyone treat me or my kids like that again and now here we are, and he was never like this before it really has been just getting worse over the last 6 months to a year.

Sorry for the long letter, I feel like I could just keep writing as this doesn’t even touch the surface.

1 Like
2

Hi kat11,
I have just read your story and it’s hit home, I have PD and I’m finding over the last 6 months or so that i have been really snappy, mostly with my wife as all the kids are out of the house, no sooner have i snapped i feel so disgusted with myself because I’ve never been like that and like your husband when asked whats wrong my reply is nothing just a little sore etc. I’ve done some reading about it and unfortunately it’s not uncommon. I’ve just recently contacted my GP who is referring me to a mental health team in the view that maybe Cognitive Therapy might help but I’m looking at 6 months waiting list after an assessment, my wife is supportive and understanding but for how long! I will try seeing if there is some online things meantime but my concentration isn’t good so dont now how much i will take in. My only suggestion i have is maybe encourage your husband to ask his GP about Cognitive behaviour therapy, hopefully things lift for you both.

1 Like
3

I am newly diagnosed though have had tremors developing for two or three years at least. Although most of my symptoms are as yet very mild, I have noticed an increased tendency to have abrupt mood swings, and I have periods of enhanced irritability which is a struggle in my job in retail when I have to interact in a friendly and happy way with customers. It is easy to do this when you feel naturally happy and in a good mood, but when you feel irritable inside and every tiny thing is pressing your buttons, it is psychologically exhausting to have to fake it all day long, and I can end a shift utterly shattered. Sometimes I have to ask if I can move to a less customer facing role, like collecting trolleys or stacking shelves.

But I have been told by others that changes in meds can sometimes help to address these problems if they become chronic. A number of my work colleagues have friends or relatives with Parkinsons of varying lengths of duration and speaking to them is sometimes helpful for me.

2 Likes
4

Hi Kat,
I’m really sorry that things are so tough for you and your daughters. I can completely relate to what you describe. I am in a very similar position with two grown up girls and a husband with PD (although older and further down the PD journey). I can cope fine with the physical symptoms, but the mood swings are the worst. My husband says very cruel things and nothing I say can make him see that he’s been irrational and so hurtful with his words. He also has those unfeeling eyes that you describe.
I take some small comfort in knowing I’m not alone.
Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect. Take time for yourself, even if there is a backlash from your partner. Speak to your local PD advisor. Maybe try to confide in another family member, even if you feel you are disloyal for doing so. My hardest time was when my youngest was 16, it’s slighted easier now as we can talk about their dad as adults now.
Sending good wishes
X

1 Like
5

Hi Kat11,
Ok, this behaviour is way past what will occur as a result of PD.
Yes, we do get nutty and full of it at times, however this is past the limit.
As it has been happening over a number of years, it would seem that the medication is not causing these crazy mood swings.
I have no doubt that he definitely is bipolar and the PD symptoms are making it more prevalent, however it is the bipolar that causes him to become completely and totally ludicrous.
I used to council for societies like Life Line and Suicides Anonymous and other organizations
He definitely needs to go for counseling and if he totally refuses, I know this is going to sound extreme, but you and your daughters should leave before this turns to real violence.
You really need to go and talk to someone about this.
I’m not sure about the UK however there are organizations like FAMSA and similar institutions in South Africa to the consultants for free for the initial interview or two.
They specialize in dealing with this type of situation.

7

Hello to Kat11 and all who have contributed to this thread which I have been following with interest. Two things stand out for me.

First there are many posts on the forum from carers who are struggling with the impact Parkinson’s has had on their lives especially where challenging behaviours have developed, this one was a particularly hard read. It was good however to hear from people with Parkinson’s who are aware that they are being irrational, difficult even cruel to those closest to them but this is not enough to stop them. I think it is frequently underestimated, even forgotten by some, that those of us with Parkinson’s also carry a heavy load. Living with the knowledge that whatever you may do to slow progression of the condition it will carry on its relentless path of deterioration, for example. There are many challenges along the way and not always the direct result of having Parkinson’s, difficult situations can arise when out and about because it is not a well understood condition and so on - many of you would have lived through all sorts of scenarios whether as a person with Parkinson’s or through some connection with that person in whatever capacity. One of the most difficult things to live with as far as I am concerned, is the knowledge that I could be the cause of a huge amount of anguish and stress to those I care about most because I have developed some form of challenging behaviour. Living with Parkinson’s affects far more than the motor and non motor symptoms it may inflict upon the individual - alongside that and almost from the point of diagnosis comes the realisation that he or she may be the cause of such heartbreak at some point in the future and as so articulately written in this thread by Kat11. That can be a very hard load to carry but should it come to pass it should not be assumed that those of us with Parkinson’s have no understanding of how hard life is for others involved. It is true we may reach a stage where we are beyond being aware but it doesn’t mean we have never been aware and that it may have been a burden carried for many years. I know this is of no direct or practical help to Kat11 and I have no wish to detract from the very difficult circumstances she faces, but equally I think it is important to recognise that many of us with Parkinson’s understand much more than we are given credit for and this includes the difficulties of being a carer.

The second thing is the very valid and important point raised by CliveV. When a diagnosis such as Parkinson’s is made it is very easy to attribute everything that happens to that condition. It is easy not to look for alternatives and make inaccurate assumptions. In his post he writes a compelling reply that Kat11 may not be dealing with a deterioration in her husband’s Parkinson’s but that he is in fact, presenting with symptoms of a different condition that is perhaps magnified by his Parkinson’s. It is I think, a point worth remembering and we should maybe challenge more than we do to make sure all avenues are explored.

Kat11 my heart goes out to you and your daughters and yes your husband too. As I have written many times on the forum, with Parkinson’s there are no winners and never has that been more true than with your heartbreaking post and the complex situation in which you find yourself. It may be worth your ringing the helpdesk to speak to one of the advisors. They have a lot of resources available and actually speaking to someone not directly involved may in itself clarify your thinking. Whatever you finally decide to do I wish you all well and hope a way can be found to bring some peace back into all your lives.
Tot

1 Like
8

Hi All,

Thank you for your reply’s, it is great to hear from those with PD and other carers that understanding my feelings as my Husband does not and I have tried getting him to see a support group that he did say he would try, though with the way he doesn’t see what he is doing is wrong at all.

This week continued with him being overly nice, he hung my daughters clothes out and brought them in and folded them (He normally goes out of his way not to do this and if she leaves her clothes on the line or not hung out he complains heavily) and was even nicer to me, that lasted for a couple of days until this morning when he got up at 7am, (though I think it started around 4am) I had mentioned yesterday that I might go see my mother to take her to watch my daughter ride her horse in a show as it is being held at my mothers town and she has never seen her ride in a competition before, he didn’t comment just kept playing his game happily.

This morning at 4am I was woken up by him talking in his sleep that he does alot or kicks, yells and all sorts of things, though this morning was just talking and he was talking to me in his dream and calling me names (this is happens alot) and was saying how he had spent 3 hours driving me around and I do nothing for him and questioning me what I do for him (He says this to me when he is awake as well), I laid there not sleeping until 6am when I got up and went for a walk he got up at 7am when I got back and I tried to talk to him about my walk (as I try not to take what he says in his sleep personally) I could see he was unhappy and he started saying so your going to your mums next weekend (if he had listen its in 4 weeks) I said I dont know yet it was just a thought, he then went on to tell me that I never spend time with him and that he has to make all the effort because a couple of weekends ago he came to my daughters grandmothers place to help me move some things around for her, we where only there for half and hour or so and then he mentioned last weekend I went out with my friends (one had travelled 3 hours to come visits I don’t see her much) and he went on that I spent 8 hours with my friends , and he isn’t happy that I got a spa voucher for my birthday 7 months ago that I finally used and treated myself for the day at the spa and then went and got my hair done, then went out to dinner with him, but that isn’t spending time with him?

I am just so tied I just left for work when he started doing this again and now I am getting emails from him (he doesn’t sms now because he used to when he was mad sms to the point that I would come out of a meeting and have 20 to 30 messages from him so he smashed his phone)

My Emails from him tiled Rude,

How much of your time do you devote to me a week.

how much money do you devote to this relationship beyond your share of house hold expenses (that would account for the time you spend at work).

How many of the things you told me you would do have been done.

Please, am I really being unreasonable. think about what my answers to those questions would be.

Do you think its 50/50 ? . . . . . I really am interested what you think the ratio is.

Still feeling used.

Used, used, used. . . . .

P.S.
I’m going to be SUPER Pissed about that horse float until the debt is gone. I could have paid child support for 4.5 years. Add the losses I incurred on Jerry and thats 9 years. Or one child for approx. . . . . 18 years. . . . . . . . .

Second email so far
Hearing you say it was a huge mistake and should never have happened would go a long way.

Otherwise, I am left to bear the burden of error on my own. After all, I enabled the whole situation.

How ? Because l adore you and want you to be happy. . . . and. . . .Genourosity. Which at the moment feels like my downfall.

So why bother ?

So I brought my daughter a horse float as she had brought one of one of my friends that ended up being I though a death trap, though it was all she could afford, I decided that I would buy her a new one and I borrowed the money from the bank, he is not happy that I did that and as it seems I should say its a mistake, though I am glad I could do that for her, but he sees it that he really did it because if it wasn’t for him I couldn’t have done that, because he has got alot more money than I do in investments, and spends money on reno’s to the house.

Sorry again, I feel like I just start to say something and then more comes out, I think I could write a book and have it as a trilogy with how much I could say, I do need to talk to someone and get this stuff out more regularly though to have the time, if I dont spend every second I am not at work with him, it sets him off.

Still feeling very lost and this morning was very angry driving to work because I dont feel like I can tell him so I just yell in the car on my way to work at him (I think it helps just yelling even if no one hears but I still get it out).

I feel like his jealousy about my time is a huge issue, I don’t feel like I can spend time with my daughters, mother or friends or even alone without it making him angry, I understand he is at home all day when I am at work though I have tried to encourage him to go see his friends join a group do some volunteer work, though he likes just being around the house, he likes it there, he has a sauna and a spa nearly everyday while I am at work, I am happy he can relax but when do I get to have alone time to relax without getting in trouble for it.

Sorry started again and kept going…

He just makes me feel like I am the worst person, a shitty wife, a bad mother to the point that I think maybe I am and they would all be better off without me.

I understand that he does feel shit and has pain most of the time and he struggles with things he can and can not do, it isn’t easy to be him, but being me also sucks.

9

Hi Kat11,

Wow, ok, what you are going through is totally and completely unacceptable, it is way past the path of unreasonable.
You simply cannot carry on like this, if you do it is going to destroy both you and your daughters and that is certainly not acceptable in any way whatsoever.
Reading through what he has been messaging and emailing you, I have no doubt whatsoever that he is bipolar, the symptoms are precisely that, being up and really nice then bang, going down a dark and empty rabbit hole and everything is everyone else’s fault and " no one loves him or takes care of him". This is what leads to the plethora of emails etc.
He actually will not realize that he is being totally and completely irrational and absurd when he is in his “down phase”.
The situation where he is being nice " hanging up your daughters clothes…" and then losing it again is totally symptomatic.
Obviously, with the added symptoms of PD, simply makes it just so much worse, and as he has written, feeling really sorry for himself which of course exacerbates the situation.
However that being said, the situation you are in is untenable.
The circumstances are certainly not your fault or that of your daughters and you have gone way above and beyond anything that is acceptable.
Please, please don’t stop writing on the forum, it really is cathartic and does releases tension.
Remember that there is a help line to talk to someone, that also helps.
Kat11, if you feel like just ranting and raving and cursing at someone, please, please, just let me know and I’ll gladly give you my email and whatsapp details, so you can contact me at any time.
I live in Cape Town South Africa, otherwise I would try to help you there. This is the best alternative I can think of.
I’m not sure if I can give you my details over the forum, I’m quite relaxed about it, but I’m not sure if it breaks any rules.
You can also private message me, if you choose.

ReplyClose

10

Hi
My husband has these moods too he has been having seizures and now taking tablets to stop them
But his mood swings are real bad he reduces me to tears saying icdo nothing but think of myself he is very infatuated with forums on eletrics and trying to be in charge still as he was a tutor when i interupt him yo say tea done he goes bad and threatens to break stuff csuse i am interupting him
I really cant dtand much more
Help

11

Hi Angie,
We would just like to remind you – and everyone in this thread – that our helpline advisers are there to help carers as well, in ways you may not expect. You can reach them on 0808 800 0303, its free and confidential, and they are always ready to listen.
With our warmest regards,
Jason
Forum Moderator