I seen to my husband around 6.30am this morning giving him his meds and checking he was warm making sure his inhalers were to hand etc,
I spoke to him briefly and went back to bed, I had an awful night not sleeping I set the alarm for a couple of hours sleep.
When I came downstairs to my husband he was on the floor next to his bed.
He was blue, I shook him screaming his name, as I phoned 999 they asked me if he was breathing I could see he wasn’t I was asked to do CPR on my husband but I couldn’t straighten him out he was curled up and so blue,
I managed to get him on his back but I couldn’t lie him flat it was horrific, I did CPR for about 15mins while I waited for the ambulance I knew he must of been dead when I first found him.
I can’t get this out of my head, did he fall out of bed and get so cold that he died? Did he shout for me? If I was downstairs with him maybe he would still be here.
Was he reaching for something? I will never ever be sane again after this horrific experience,
14 yrs of Parkinson’s Disease, and I wasn’t with him at the end.
How can this of happened he was awake and talking to me a couple of hours ago.
Stunned and broken in pieces my beautiful loving kind husband.
Thanks for listening x
So sorry for your loss Hollytree. After caring for your husband so attentively for all these years it must be hard. It sounds like a sudden and unexpected passing, even though you were not there with him, you were able to care for him at home, and im sure he would have been happy to be in with you in his own home. Take care. Your post touched me. Im also carer to my husband x
Sincere condolences to you Hollytree, it must have been so traumatic for you. It sounds like your husband was much loved and looked after by you in your home together. It is natural to think about what could have been but please dont blame yourself. There could well have been a medical event unrelated to PD which caused a blackout or similar.
Sending a virtual hug your way x
Hello hollytree29
My sincerest and heartfelt sympathies go out to you on reading your news today. There is nothing I or anybody else can say to you just now when you are clearly in shock at the terrible ordeal you went through this morning.
You may never fully know the circumstances in which you found him and it is natural that all those ‘what ifs’ will go through your mind and no doubt haunt you for the next few days and weeks; I think that is something that you will have to work through as best you can but when the shock has worn off a little and you can see things with a bit more clarity you will come to understand it was his time, there was nothing you could have done or didn’t do that would have changed that and it can never take away the love and care you gave to him for so long. That’s the important thing hollytree29, you were there for him for all those years when he needed you and it would of course, been good to have been there as he let go of life but sadly that’s frequently not how it is. I repeat there is nothing you could have done or not done that would have changed anything, it was his time and I hope when a little time has passed you will understand how much of yourself you gave to him over the years; I like to think he knew that and that whatever the manner of his death, he died knowing he was loved by you.
Tot
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to read this, words are never enough at these times…thinking of you and sending you love and a massive hug…Xx
We’re so very sorry to hear this, Hollytree. Please speak with someone as soon as you can. Whether its our helpline on 0808 800 0303 or one of the other helpers listed here:
- Samaritans provide confidential, emotional support, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Call Samaritans on 116 123, or email [email protected].
- SHOUT is a free, confidential, text support service available 24 hours a day. Text SHOUT to 85258.
- Call 111 to get NHS mental health support.
You are not alone. There are people who want to help. Please take care as best you can.
With our sincerest condolences,
Jason
Forum Moderator
This is so sad to hear 
I’m only 53 and had pd for 20yrs I’m so worried about my wife and leaving her behind but she has been diamond in my rock at least he’s at peace god bless
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.
Xx
What sad news. My condolences for your loss. Take care x
I am so sorry to hear this. I send you my condolences. Your husband was loved and cared for by you for all those years. He will have known how much you cared for him and loved him. Take care.
Dear Holly trees
I read your post a few days ago but was uncertain how to reply. My husband died just over three months ago at home after nearly 20 years with Parkinson’s. His was not a sudden death but in reality was drawn out over several months. My first thought when reading your sad news was at least he was spared the very difficult end stage phase of Parkinson’s.
I do not think you need to worry about not being there. The mere fact he was in his own home is enough and an achievement in itself. As I found, it was impossible to be there all the time and despite being surrounded by friends and family he still went when only a carer was there at 2am in the morning.
As you go through all the various processes of death I do hope you have good support from family.
The house is now very quiet but I have good friends around and my GP practise have put me in touch with a bereavement support group and Cruse for grief counselling.
I have needed to take time to sit with my grief to process all that happened during his long journey through Parkinson’s. An essential thing to do but I still have problems with the last two years and blanked it all out until recently. I know the grief counselling will help with my very great sorrow over this time.
I write this so you know you are not alone and I stand in solidarity with you. I send you much love for all you are dealing with at the moment .
Dear Hollytree29
My most heartfelt condolences to you at this very sad time.
Will there be an inquiry or post mortem which may help you understand more of what happened.
My husband who has had Parkinson’s for 12 years also sleeps downstairs and I upstairs, I particularly resonate with your fears and thoughts but if you normally heard him call you, it’s most likely you’d have heard him if he’d called you in this instance too.
Truth is you may never know and you have to come to terms with that.
It is very early for this and I think professional help from the likes of Cruise bereavement charity will be a help, please reach out to them.
I lost my mother on 12 September after a harrowing brutal night sat around a hospital bed with her pleading for help because she couldn’t breathe from lung fibroids. I’ve never witnesses anything so brutal and uncaring from our NHS. I can say you haven’t had to watch your husband struggle in pain in his last hours that is to be grateful for. It won’t change the devastation you are currently feeling with so many what if’s of your own situation. I do hope that time and talking to someone will ease things for you in the long term. He was a lucky man to have you by his side caring. Be kind to yourself.
Im so so sorry 
thinking of you at this difficult time. Nothing prepares you for this time no matter how much you may be aware of this.
Carrying out CPR on anyone can be so scary let alone a loved one.
Take your own time processing all of this your own way and keep reaching out to talk through when needed.
Im a nurse and these things can leave people with PTSD for maybe a few days which is understandable. The shock is alot to take in what with the adrenaline too.
Take your time but you did everything you could lovely. Parkinsons is such a difficult disease leaving people very ridged and tight. I can only imagine what you were going through.
I know you wanted to be with him in the end but you have been with him throughout his disease and that itself is beautiful. You have looked after him and as difficult as it feels, none of us know when our time comes. Try not to be hard on yourself, its the shock of what you experienced. Its totally normal to be thinking all these things.
Sending you hugs and hope you’re doing okay as you can be expected 
So sorry to hear of your sad loss. There are no magic words that can take the pain away. Only time will make it less raw.
You appear to be feeling intensely guilty about not being with him at the end but it probably occurred so suddenly that he had little if any conscious awareness of it before he was gone. And you have been there for him for 14 good years and been a rock. Don’t feel guilty. He lived those years in the home he loved with the person he loved because of you which is what really counts.
You will always miss him but whilst the intensity of your pain will diminish in time, the happy memories never will.