Newbie here looking for advice


#1

Hi there. My dad was diagnosed with PD nearly 4 years ago. Considering his age (80) he’s doing pretty well. The main thing is anxiety - he worries about things that wouldn’t have bothered him before.

However I am feeling increasingly distant from him and his partner. I get to see him just a few times a year even though they only live just under an hours’ drive away. He’s always putting off making any arrangements to meet. He doesn’t drive any more but his partner does, and I do and it’s no problem at all for me to drive over to see them, even just for a cuppa. Last time I saw him 2 months ago I said it would be nice to meet during Easter hols, and he wrote it down, but when I spoke to him last week he said can we postpone it as he’s been feeling anxious, but he does get good days when this doesn’t happen. I feel disappointed as it was my daughter’s birthday recently and we always get together around birthdays.

Trouble is, if he is waiting for a time when he’s not feeling anxious it might never happen. I suffered with post natal depression and I found just getting out once a day or seeing a friend made the world of difference. I’m sorry if I sound selfish but I’m finding it hard to understand why he doesn’t want to see us when he appears to be generally going about his day to day things (shopping, walks etc) relatively ok.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be great.


#2

Hello,

Could you maybe just visit without prior arrangements? Maybe then he won’t feel anxious, as it may be a pleasant surprise?? You may just be the welcome distraction that he needs sometimes??
Could it possibly be his partner declining the invite after you leave??

Best wishes

Claire


#3

HI i agree with claire a surprise visit may make a diffrence
i can understand his anxious feelings i had and still do get them
i dont know your dad and we all react diffrentley to PD
i had times when i craved my own company but still didnt want to be alone
a surprise visit seemed to work
ive learned that not everything has to be planned

i hope the advice you get here helps
take care
keith


#4

Thanks so much. I would do that but it’s my dad’s partner’s house and she doesn’t seem to like unexpected visitors. But in the summer we probably will be in the area so we could pop in, but there’s no guarantee they will be in (and his mobile is usually switched off!).

It is a good idea though as it might be all the build up to a visit that makes him anxious, even though I’m his daughter and would never put any pressure on him. All I’m asking is for him to take an interest in his grand daughters and for a cup of tea once in a while!


#5

hi jools
ive learned that if everything is planned in advance there are no surprises
i love surprises
not only that if everything is planned life gets boring
your dads partner knew he had daughters and grand daughters she cant expect him to lose contact with you
personally for me
and I mean NO DIS- RESPECT
family is everything
Have you tried talking to his partner is she envious in some way
maybe the problem lays there
grand daughters need their grand dads too

i hope i havent said anything out of line

keith


#6

Hi Keith, no of course you haven’t said anything out of line, what you say makes perfect sense. My dad and I used to be so close, I was always a daddy’s girl but even before he had PD I felt him drifting away. His partner has 2 grandsons and I feel they have always come first. He always seems to be finding an excuse not to meet up or he says “yes, we’ll arrange something once Easter/Christmas/holidays is out of the way” then weeks go by with nothing arranged.

His partner is a huge help to him and I don’t think he could cope with out her but she insists that he still does things for himself. I just wish she would encourage him to make more effort with us as he would listen to her I think. But they both seem to be taking the path with least resistance and I just feel we are too much effort for them.