Please help

Please can anyone help me . My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago at 44. The past 5 years have not been easy at all as we were coping with caring for his mum in her 80s ,who sadly passed away in Autumn. We have also moved house recently and we have both found it difficult settling in, I would go as far to say we both don’t like it ,this has been made worse as we were broken into while we slept upstairs ,the perpetrator burned through our lock with a blow torch ,took my husband s car keys and stole the car . My husband still works part-time but I know he is struggling ,I work full time as a civil servant admin grade but my work role has changed drastically and I feel overwhelmed…I have been offered a clerical job in the NHS but I feel so anxious about taking it as I feel will I be in right frame of mind …commute would be longer too…I’m nearly 50, I just feel so overwhelmed and his Parkinson’s is making me so worried and anxious about the future .

Hi @Marie2, :wave:

A warm welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your husband have been going through and our deepest condolences for the loss of mother in law. We have a wonderfully supportive community here and I’m sure you’ll hear from our members soon with their own words of encouragement.

It sounds like you have been going through a lot of life changes which would be hard for anyone, but the current pandemic along with the house burglary you both experienced must have truly exasperated things for you - again, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Judging by your message I assume you were both unharmed during the break in which is a huge relief!

Although your husband works part time, it may be helpful for you to check out the information about caring someone with Parkinson’s which can be found on our website here:

Along with this information, our free and confidential helpline and local advisers are here to support you in the best way possible so that you don’t continue to feel so overwhelmed. Please give us a call on 0808 800 0303.

Best wishes,
Forum Community Manager

Hello Marie²
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling but not really surprised. You rattled through a list of things but if you think about what is on your list you will see what I mean. Bereavement - is recognised in its potential to have a negative impact on one’s life and for some its effects can last a long time. Moving is well known as being one of the most stressful things you can do and on top of that you had what + help how you feel about the house. Your are living with your husband’s Parkinson’s and a very uncertain future and your job, like many, has substantially changed creating more pressure and stress. So you see when you think about each element and how they overlap, perhaps the most surprising thing is that you are still standing! However you are indeed still standing and probably doing a better job than it appears to you to keep all those balls in the air. Having said that you do seem to be at a fragile point so am glad you found your way to the forum. To be honest I’m not sure I can be much help but a few things come to mind which may give some food for thought and perhaps allow you to see things in a different light. Hope you will excuse the formality of bullet points, not my usual style but I want to be clear. In no particular order

First it is important you look after yourself. If you become ill it could have a ripple effect on any or all aspects of your complex situation.
I am guessing a bit here I admit but I suspect that at the moment everything is clashing in your head and getting more and more mixed up so you can’t see the wood for the trees. I don’t have any solutions but maybe the following could help you unscramble some of your thinking if indeed that is the case.
Your husband’s Parkinson’s. It is of course entirely understandable that you are concerned for the future but in a strange way this is perhaps the least of your immediate concerns. Parkinson’s as you know is generally slow moving and you do have time to address issues as they arise. The bottom line however, and I speak as someone with Parkinson’s, the future will be what it will be and worrying about it now has little benefit. My own take is plan ahead only what I usefully can otherwise just get on with living the best quality of life I can. In continually worrying about the future you can miss today. Even as I write that I can hear you say today’s got nothing that’s good - or words to that effect, so let’s plough on.
You say your husband is struggling at work. Have you discussed this with him? Do you know what he thinks about work, does he feel he is struggling and if so in what way.Does his employers know of his Parkinson’s? If not I would encourage him to tell them, he should expect their support and enable reasonable adjustments to be made. It is important he knows his rights and following on from Rhea’s advice, there is information on the Parkinson’s UK website or ring the helpdesk. Armed with good information he may be able to better assess his situation.
Your own work situation is also a factor. I no longer work but I am only too well aware that the workplace has for a long time not been static and having to cope with change almost becoming the norm. It is rarely easy and most change seems to result in role expansion with fewer staff - a sweeping generalisation of course but has more than a grain of truth in it. You also say you have been offered another post. Given what you are dealing with I think you must be a very resourceful lady and cope better than you give yourself credit for so I don’t think you need to worry about your ability to do the new job if that’s what you want. Is it a case of better the devil you know or would it be better to start afresh where the act of learning a new role may be a welcome distraction and help. Taking time to consider and write a list of pros and cons may help you decide what to
The house. This may well be the worst bit for you as your safe place has been cruelly smashed and it is hard to know what to say. I think you need to do whatever you need to feel better about your home whether it be motion sensors or counselling or anything in between. Hopefully the passage of time will help, I do so hope so.
Well done if you’ve made it this far, I’m afraid I’ve rather gone on but do hope something somewhere in all this is of at least a little help. Sending my very best wishes as you work through this difficult time.

Your anxiety will fuel regression in partners health,I suggest…If you can, put on a cloak of self confidence, and try and radiate positive energy…That will help your partner…I recommend you don’t stop work…The clerical job should bring financial security…certainly it prevents piling up of future anxiety. I suggest you both take a step towards befriending a neighboring household,perhaps sitting over a glass, in garden or pub garden…you will feel better integrated, and can open up to them about the dreadful burglary, and receive genuine strength from them…
Good luck, and hope Easter brings some joy and socialising

Hi @Marie2 what an awful time you have been having, no wonder you are fed up! But well done for keeping going. And well done for facing your demons and seeking help.

My advice is about the break in. First, the people that did it almost certainly meant you no personal harm. It must have been an awful experience though. Suggest getting yourself a simple alarm system fitted. The sight of an alarm bell box on the wall of a house will be enough to put off most thieves.

Take care