My husband has been lovely since my Dx in March 2011. Does more about the house and is much gentler than he ever was with me, a changed man in fact, which is lovely.
There are times, however when his old insensitivity creeps in (not intentional I am sure) for example. I was looking for an outfit for a wedding and I tried on a dress, went out of the dressing room to show him (feeling a tad anxious as he rarely likes anything)and as a consequence my arm started shaking. He said in a jokey fashion " Stop waving at me".I didn't let him know I was upset as I know he doesn't mean to be unkind but I felt belittled and stupid.
Am I being over sensitive? as at other times he is very thoughtful. I was having trouble with my foot the other day when we were out and without saying anything he held my hand (he never normally does this)as he was worried I was struggling.
Any suggestions? I just think at times he doesn't know how to react around me.
Caroline
I can't put myself in your husband's head but what he did is almost exactly the same as what I would do. In an effort to find a way of handling this upsetting diagnosis he is trying different tactics to deal with it.
If he has been a bit clumsy he will of taken note of it and not used that technique again.
Adapting to your new world together is tricky, but can be done together.
Tell him how you felt, I am sure he will understand.
On the lighter side....what are you doing, taking him clothes shopping with you? He only goes to have a McDonalds afterwards! Clothes shopping with your wife is a nightmare !!
If he has been a bit clumsy he will of taken note of it and not used that technique again.
Adapting to your new world together is tricky, but can be done together.
Tell him how you felt, I am sure he will understand.
On the lighter side....what are you doing, taking him clothes shopping with you? He only goes to have a McDonalds afterwards! Clothes shopping with your wife is a nightmare !!
Hi. I was extremely touched by your post and felt that I should reply.
I am the carer in our partnership. My husband was diagnoised in 2009 and you would have thought that we would be used to the idea of a third party in our relationship by now.
I find it quite hard reconciling the man that I married who was sporty, strong and very sexy with the man that I am with now. Whilst I still find him very attractive, I have to remember to treat him like my husband and not another of my sons. I do not always do this. I know that I can come across as very insensitive. I do not always show a lot of patience when he takes longer to carry out daily tasks. I sometimes get annoyed if he disturbs my sleep getting back into bed. Do you know why? I am human and not always a very nice person.
Because of Parkinson, we are having to forge a new relationship. I used to joke about things to try an alleviate the situation if I saw my husband become immobile and panic. Not always the best thing to do. Calming, loving words are far better.
It would seem that your husband is trying to cope with the situation and lets be honest men are not always very sensitive. I think that you were incredibly brave taking him shopping for clothes. The arguments that my husband and I have had in similar situations regardless of Parkinson.
Seriously you are not being insensitive. You had every right to be upset. Both of you are coping with an unwelcome development in your relationship and it will be hard. Your husband is probably like me, frightened, trying to lighten things by joking. From other things that you have said, he would probably be very concerned about upsetting you. Us carers have to be given guidelines regardless of how much we love our other halves.
Look after yourself and please do not get too upset by this. Remember, Parkinson feeds on stress. Do not brood, talk to him. Do not let Parkie make too many inroads into your relationship.
I am the carer in our partnership. My husband was diagnoised in 2009 and you would have thought that we would be used to the idea of a third party in our relationship by now.
I find it quite hard reconciling the man that I married who was sporty, strong and very sexy with the man that I am with now. Whilst I still find him very attractive, I have to remember to treat him like my husband and not another of my sons. I do not always do this. I know that I can come across as very insensitive. I do not always show a lot of patience when he takes longer to carry out daily tasks. I sometimes get annoyed if he disturbs my sleep getting back into bed. Do you know why? I am human and not always a very nice person.
Because of Parkinson, we are having to forge a new relationship. I used to joke about things to try an alleviate the situation if I saw my husband become immobile and panic. Not always the best thing to do. Calming, loving words are far better.
It would seem that your husband is trying to cope with the situation and lets be honest men are not always very sensitive. I think that you were incredibly brave taking him shopping for clothes. The arguments that my husband and I have had in similar situations regardless of Parkinson.
Seriously you are not being insensitive. You had every right to be upset. Both of you are coping with an unwelcome development in your relationship and it will be hard. Your husband is probably like me, frightened, trying to lighten things by joking. From other things that you have said, he would probably be very concerned about upsetting you. Us carers have to be given guidelines regardless of how much we love our other halves.
Look after yourself and please do not get too upset by this. Remember, Parkinson feeds on stress. Do not brood, talk to him. Do not let Parkie make too many inroads into your relationship.
Hello caroline211,
You have had some very good replies to your post, we are all on a steep learning curve. My husband was diagnosed when in his late thirties and I was already disabled with a chronic back condition caused by nursing when I was only 29 years old. I will always remember the terrible guilts I felt because I couldn't be the wife and mother the same as before, during this time my husband said things that hurt me but he didn't realise it. Then when my husband was diagnosed with PD I was still recovering from a spinal operation and couldn't go with him to the hospital and I felt awful as we have always been a very much together couple. My husband had to give up work aged 46 so we have had all these years together at home. Now at the age of 67 years old and after thirty years of my husband's parkinson's, and here I would say our PD because that's the way it is, I wonder how we have managed all these years but we have, also we have been involved in starting a branch, made many more friends and had some really good times together.
As said before we are all human and sometimes we do things because we care and don't want to upset our spouses, as I said in another post our son and I stopped laughing at some TV programmes because we didn't want to hurt my husband as by then he found it difficult to express himself, but he noticed and said please keep laughing as he missed it so, crazy really but we all have to learn as we go on.
Talking to each other is so important, and sometimes although risky I feel that in branches it would be useful if both pwp's and carer's gave a talk to the opposite group about how they feel they are affected which in turn would be helpful and create a better understanding all round. Of course everyone is different but a general discussion could only benefit everyone.
My lovely husband is still there at times but he has changed over the years and this is difficult for me to adjust to as I find it heartbreaking in our later years, but I have to remind myself that is it much worse for him. There is no easy answer, but do make the most of your lives together and make a conscious effort to move on through the difficult and frequent changes PD will bring.
Remember there is a way around any problem you may have you just have to be open to everything.
with my very best wishes to you both
vivian
You have had some very good replies to your post, we are all on a steep learning curve. My husband was diagnosed when in his late thirties and I was already disabled with a chronic back condition caused by nursing when I was only 29 years old. I will always remember the terrible guilts I felt because I couldn't be the wife and mother the same as before, during this time my husband said things that hurt me but he didn't realise it. Then when my husband was diagnosed with PD I was still recovering from a spinal operation and couldn't go with him to the hospital and I felt awful as we have always been a very much together couple. My husband had to give up work aged 46 so we have had all these years together at home. Now at the age of 67 years old and after thirty years of my husband's parkinson's, and here I would say our PD because that's the way it is, I wonder how we have managed all these years but we have, also we have been involved in starting a branch, made many more friends and had some really good times together.
As said before we are all human and sometimes we do things because we care and don't want to upset our spouses, as I said in another post our son and I stopped laughing at some TV programmes because we didn't want to hurt my husband as by then he found it difficult to express himself, but he noticed and said please keep laughing as he missed it so, crazy really but we all have to learn as we go on.
Talking to each other is so important, and sometimes although risky I feel that in branches it would be useful if both pwp's and carer's gave a talk to the opposite group about how they feel they are affected which in turn would be helpful and create a better understanding all round. Of course everyone is different but a general discussion could only benefit everyone.
My lovely husband is still there at times but he has changed over the years and this is difficult for me to adjust to as I find it heartbreaking in our later years, but I have to remind myself that is it much worse for him. There is no easy answer, but do make the most of your lives together and make a conscious effort to move on through the difficult and frequent changes PD will bring.
Remember there is a way around any problem you may have you just have to be open to everything.
with my very best wishes to you both
vivian
I think if we are all honest would say the there have been times when frustration sets in on both sides . Be sorry for something we might have said . That is without having Parkinsons in the relationship ..
Try and talk things over . I sometimes write a list of the things that worry or upset me then I can go through them to see which ones to erase . Be honest with each other , it's only because you both care ..
One of the hardest things I have found is that we might have a few days when the Parkinsons is easier then one morning you get up and it has reared it's head when you are not expecting .. I think it does change us all in one way or another ..
Try and talk things over . I sometimes write a list of the things that worry or upset me then I can go through them to see which ones to erase . Be honest with each other , it's only because you both care ..
One of the hardest things I have found is that we might have a few days when the Parkinsons is easier then one morning you get up and it has reared it's head when you are not expecting .. I think it does change us all in one way or another ..
Hi Caroline
Some good reply's from others on the forum. Not sure I can add much more.
Only to say that when you came out of the fitting room to show your o/h how you looked, it certainly was not the words you needed to hear.
Parkinson's does not make me feel attractive as I would prefer to stay in the back ground these days. But to hear a nice complement about how you look would of made you feel on cloud nine and given you a little more confidence.
It is sad and very hard for others to understand what living with Parkinsons is like. We all try to adjust but I know my partner is frightened of any commitment now. He does not say it, but I just know.
So mention to the o/h how you felt. As it quite clearly upset you and understandably so.
Take care
love PB x
Some good reply's from others on the forum. Not sure I can add much more.
Only to say that when you came out of the fitting room to show your o/h how you looked, it certainly was not the words you needed to hear.
Parkinson's does not make me feel attractive as I would prefer to stay in the back ground these days. But to hear a nice complement about how you look would of made you feel on cloud nine and given you a little more confidence.
It is sad and very hard for others to understand what living with Parkinsons is like. We all try to adjust but I know my partner is frightened of any commitment now. He does not say it, but I just know.
So mention to the o/h how you felt. As it quite clearly upset you and understandably so.
Take care
love PB x
I have picked up three very good ideas from the last three replys.
Draw up a list to discuss. Totally agree and will use in the future. Will hopefully prevent any discussion developing into a unconstructive moaning session.
Remember to tell my husband how attractive I still find him after 26 years of marriage. Should do that regardless of Parkinson.
Lastly, sessions should be set up for Carers to express their concerns to Sufferers and visa versa. Unfortunately in our area there is not a Working Age Parkinson group so not really available for myself.
Many thanks to all of you.
Neddie
Draw up a list to discuss. Totally agree and will use in the future. Will hopefully prevent any discussion developing into a unconstructive moaning session.
Remember to tell my husband how attractive I still find him after 26 years of marriage. Should do that regardless of Parkinson.
Lastly, sessions should be set up for Carers to express their concerns to Sufferers and visa versa. Unfortunately in our area there is not a Working Age Parkinson group so not really available for myself.
Many thanks to all of you.
Neddie