Sex

Hi have had parky now for 14 years i love y wife and she loves me .but she desnt want sex with me anymore . because she says she doesnt find me attractive any more , because i driibble and look pissed off all the time which i am not. so i cant blame her fo not fancying me but i really want sex and dont know what to do. sorry for being blunt but it is what it is,

Hi Darren,

We are sorry to hear this, but know that you are not the only one with these feelings, and there is help out there. We recommend reaching out to our helpline on 0808 800 0303 as they have loads of resources to offer, including some you may not have considered.

With our best wishes,

Jason
Forum Moderator

Hello Darren, it’s probably not only PD, maybe also menopause, daily problems, women are complicated, even with healthy husbands. Try to agree, once a week, once every 2, 3 weeks, whatever. I hope you don’t bother with it daily or too often, it’s counterproductive and won’t end well. If you have very good relationship I belive you still can have a good sex life, but if you have average or even bad relationship you have no chance. Together with other problems, PD is just to much…sorry if I rude, I tell you from woman’s point of view.

Thank you. Know not rude, just honest. I f i didn’t care about the sex we would have an amazing relationship, She really is my soul mate, But we have not had sex for over 5 years now . Yes i have tried to talk it over and have mentioned counseling but she just isn’t interested whether it be four play just kissing or holding hands there is nothing there. I find her so attractive, beautiful and gorgeous i am at my wits end. The thing is if i decide to go it alone there is no guarantee that i will find anyone that would love a parkinsons boyfriend.

Honestly, I think you have to look at bringing pleasure to yourself to be blunt. Caring for someone with PD can take the desire to have sex with your partner away and I say this as someoe who has had an excellent relationship with partner and formally good sex life… it’s just the reality of the situation. I suspect that also your wife would have to do alot of work to make sex a reality for you both - sorry but I find that my partner underestimates all the time the physical limitations of his advanced Parkinson’s. It’s just not sexy having to move your partner onto the bed and arrange their limbs and so on - it just becomes yet another chore. That coupled with possibly the peri-menopause just means you lose the desire despite loving your partner. I also note in your profile you have three children who must be young teenagers now… so I guess she is pretty busy with raising kids, working, etc too so that’s also going to play into it. It feels like this is something you are going to have to come to terms with because it sounds like she has been very clear that she doesn’t want sexual intimacy with you. The fact that you say you are at your wits end makes me wonder if you need to talk to your PD nurse as your feelings could be the result of the medication because many people without Parkinsons find that sex dies in along term relationship and they find a sense of acceptance around it. Look at ways to satify yourself sexually, enjoy the rest of your relationship with your partner. Or else you’ll just feel desparate and yearing which won’t bring you closer to her. I really think you need to ring your PD nurse and talk to her about how desparte you feel because I reckon that is actually driven alot by the medication and if they change that, you might feel calmer about the situation and more accepting of the reality.

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Hi and thank you for not holding back. I know i am asking a lot of my wife and appreciate everyone is different . But life just sucks for us both now its not fair i hate it i hate being like this , Having parks is the toughest challenge yet.

I know how you feel, every morning when I wake up, first tought is about pd, existence of the disease spoils every joy, every plan for the future. My condition is not too bad yet, what will be later… Better for me not to think. In fact, I live in hope that some kind of cure will be discovered in next 5-10 years… :woozy_face:

Hi Darren
Sad to hear this need for sex is becoming what sounds like your dominant compulsive need
I’d reiterate what others have said speak yo your PD team your medication could be driving this total need and can be adjusted.
From the Parkinsons UK webpage - ‘ Parkinson’s medication can cause impulsive and compulsive behaviours. Dopamine agonist medications, including ropinirole and pramipexole , have been linked most strongly to impulsive and compulsive behaviours. Ropinirole and pramipexole are the generic names for dopamine agonists.’
Irrespective of the Parkinsons drugs, Of course sexual drives are individual to us all, whats good for one is not for another.
In a relationship we generally learn our way round to meet our own and our partners needs. That ability to have sex that is good for each partner is an art and something not everyone achieves even who don’t have Parkinsons.
As a wife of a husband formerly diagnosed 7 years we have not had sex for probably 10+ years, neither have we sought it with anyone else. Whereas I find this incredibly sad my husband does still (he is now aged 80)get frustrated and fixated on sex, but put bluntly he has long not been able to perform sex. The fixation on things is definitely Parkinson’s driven be it the disease itself or the drugs.
He too says he still sees me as a beautiful woman, which is nice however his actions and the way he speaks often to me do not reflect this. Like your wife I have long now not fancied him in a sexual way. I find this very difficult and have been unable to compartmentalise what I do for him each day and then think of him in a sexual way. Hats off to those partners that achieve this. Don’t get me wrong I still love my husband and can’t imagine life without him. For me it is that even in the last occasions of sex my husband wasn’t able to function as a loving sexual partner as we been earlier in our lives, but rather a person driven solely by his own needs. Now life is about staying well as possible and enjoying what we can, sadly sex isn’t in there.

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This resonates with me 110%… beautifully written. Relieved to hear that it’s not just me whose husband with Parkinson’s speaks of wanting sex with me it’s not in the loving, mutual way it once was but more of the wanting for his needs in a fixated way… although to be fair it’s only been a few times he has been like this and usually when he seems to be in the grip of something like a delusion… well it is a delusion really since the reality of what he can do sexually is very different than what he thinks he can do… if only I wanted to as well! :woman_facepalming:

Honestly, I will never get in another relationship ever again after this because I would never risk being the partner of someone with a degnerative disease because it’s quite soul destroying in many ways although I too love and am committed to being here for my husband to the end.

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My husband has PDD. When he went into a care home I felt very lonely. Sex had not figured in our relationship for a long time. I thought I would try online dating. It was a disaster. Once I got to the bit where I told my date my situation they ran a mile. As it happened that pleased me because it quickly became apparent that I was never going to take it to another level. Odd really, I take my caring role very seriously but I don’t love my husband. Rather I feel compassion. Yet compassion was enough to keep me from straying. Life never fails to amaze.

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Hi Beth.

It must have taken a lot of courage to write down your feelings on hear. I’m sorry to hear about the sex drive and that you don’t enjoy sex anymore .which i totally understand. Probably for the same reasons as my wife . its just an awful thing to have go through for both of you. my wife also says she wouldn’t want another partner. it when she says she hasn’t been allowed to grieve he loss of her husband