Hi, I hope this is the right place to post, sorry if it’s not.
It’s about our mum, we don’t know if she have parkinson she have not told us and we have not asked, but she have many many symptoms that have led me here, her walk is very slow, she is stiff like she don’t really turn her body, she is shaking a lot on her hands, she is very weak, she don’t really use cutlery, her so this have been going on for a few years now, we have an awkward relationship with her because she is a and I don’t say that in a flippent or lightly fashion a narcissistic, lately she will make excuses not to see us or eat with us I think because she is finding it difficult. We don’t know if to ask her how she is and tell her we can see something have changed there is this chance she will get very very angry and cut us off this have happened to us many many times in our lives so because of that we have not, my brother met with her for the first time in 3 months and he was in shock how weak she became, could not get out the car without help, could not put a seatbelt on she was unkept in her hygiene, face very mask like with no expression’s, think she hardly eat, lie in bed listening to podcasts and seldom go out at all, but what do we do…. I’m starting to feel we are part of a game a very crazy game where we pretend it’s all fine but it’s not far from, maybe she is depressed no social life but I don’t know what to do to ask or not to ask her.
Hi Tulip1, and welcome to our community forum.
We are sorry to hear your mum is going through this, and for the mental toll is takes on the family. While Parkinson’s can present with a wide variety of symptoms, and every person’s experience of it is different, we understand your suspicions. Obviously it will require her being seen by medical experts, most likely a neurologist, to know for sure. For more information, we suggest having a read of this section of our website: How is Parkinson's diagnosed? | Parkinson's UK. We would also recommend you reach out to our free and confidential helpline, on 0808 800 0303, as one of the services they offer is connecting you with the best medical care in your area. Please do take advantage of these tools when you are able.
In the meantime we wish you and yours our best and warmest welcome.
Jason
Forum Moderator
Hello Tulip1
What a difficult situation you find yourself in and jason.mod has given you some good advice that I hope you will find helpful.
Believe it or not the situation you describe whilst perhaps not common or exactly the same, does crop up from time to time on the forum. It generally goes along the lines of the person suspected of having Parkinson’s isn’t saying anything and the relationship with family members can make it difficult to ask anything. One way round this which you might like to think about, is to write a letter to your mother, voicing your concerns etc. You can take your time over the letter making sure it says what you really want it to say, then leave it with her to read or give it to her to read while you are with her - you will need to judge what’s best. It may be easier for her to begin to open up to you if you have given her an opening as it were, and it may be easier than trying to verbally ask her.
It may be that she will be angry, but from what you say that may well happen if you ask her directly anyway; however if you word the letter carefully she may see things a little differently. I think it is worth thinking about.
For what it’s worth it seems to me from the way you have written that to do nothing is no longer an option. The situation is clearly worrying you and your brother and whatever your mother’s reaction you will at least have tried. That is only my opinion of course and you may see it differently but it does seem to me that the longer this situation goes on, the harder it will get for you all. You never know, she might be grateful you have given her a way to tell you what is going on that she hasn’t been able to before.
I would encourage you to do as jason.mod has recommended first however and ring the helpline. Just apeaking to someone neutral can make such a difference and may help you to decide what to do.
I wish you well. Tot
Hi Tulip1,
Yes, as Tot says yours is not the first of this type of situation/reaction and it certainly will not be the last.
As jason.mod said, it is imperative that she see a neuro as soon as possible.
however I do know that is easier said than done.
Here again, Tot and I disagree as to what may the best way to handle this situation.
In view of what you have said, and her attitude, I feel I most certainly would confront her head on.
This is not something that I feel can be left to her deciding to take any heed of a letter or not.
I feel you and your brother should sit her down and say exactly what you think.
You should state that you both love her very much and you just cannot see her deteriorate like she is without doing anything about it.
If she shouts and screams, and she will shouting “leave me alone, I don’t want help, why are you doing this etc” let her, but again state that you love her and you are not prepared to accept what she is doing to herself, and if necessary will take it further.
As ever you make a valid point CliveV. The reason I may suggest a letter, even if not used at the end of the day, is because these conversations can be very difficult to start and often end up with both ‘sides’ getting very agitated and things said that don’t come out right in the heat of te moment. In writing a letter you can order your thoughts, say exactly what you are saying if that’s what you want to do without making the individual feel like they are under attack or caught off guard and have a knee jerk reaction. Just writing it down can better prepare you to manage the conversation even if as I say, you end up not using it. Tulip1 didn’t know what to do and I did say it was one way they might like to think about, I never suggested and never would suggest it was the only way. I thought I should clarify my position a bit - it may not be your choice or your way but it is an option that does work or at least help people see a way forward when stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Tot
Hi Tot,
Of course it is an option and a very good one, as it will as you say allow Tulip1 to order his thoughts.