Writing: Banjo boy and PD ver A
Fighting back with PD : don’t let them grind you down!
Hi, I’ve had Parkinson’s Disease for around 7 years and like you I’ve experienced a whole range of symptoms. -none of which I directly intend to address in this piece.
Instead , I hope to take a general stance and ‘fight back ‘ through the written medium using mockery , disbelief, and as much irreverence I can muster.
I see a lot of humour in every day life and moments to cherish and I will not let PD take this away from me.! I hope you will appreciate my sense of humour,and feel free to share your own. If you are having a bad day I’m sorry if you are ‘not amused’ but this is a form of catharsis for me.
I hope you are amused and can raise a titter , or even a laugh - after all it’s better than crying and it’s free on the NHS
‘Hands up everyone ‘ ( who’s the teacher…?.. ) While you have them to hand so to speak ,do examine them for the marks and scars of a true veteran of the kitchen for which no Michelin stars are awarded. What’s my bete noir ? well the tins and jars plus the irresponsible packages that are meant to keep food safe and fresh -despite the dangers! Perhaps the H&S rep was on furlough that week, or s/he may have been injured during a particularly nasty wrestle with a tin of tuna leaving an inevitable pool of fish and oil all over the worktop. Messy,!
In my top ten is ‘The Lethal ring pull can- peaches extreme. ‘
So you have a peach can to hand and it’s your turn to open it, what do you do? First you try to attack a slither of the ring -using finger nails cloth,a knife or whatever-against puffy digits and PD sapping your strength ?
Well done first step but don’t be complacent -lay flat -the can not you-and slowly pull around the circumference of the can: this could be fatal at any time so go slow!
When in the groove , almost round , a decision to be made-do you bend over the lid and spoon out the delicious contents, or for risk takers continue until the metal snaps and you are possibly thrown backwards avoiding serious injury and some spillage on the work top. Proudly, buoyed up by this success. “I’ve sorted out the peaches, love …what next? “…given you are steadily approaching bed time by now, this offer may be declined!!
A question: what kinda idiot was paid to put users of these cans in harm’s way and why has no one thought to change it? ,after all the bods at 57 have cracked it for a long while,? What’s wrong with the old tin opener anyway? It’ll be of interest to know how many seniors and/or those with arthritis, PD etc steer clear of these deadly cans and how many have attended A&E?
Apart from cans my next aggravating favourite is VACUUM wrapped meat or fish ! Yes I can almost hear a collective sigh of agreement and relief that we can share experiences with old Jim Bowie and his skills with his knife.
You task : to extricate,succulent meat from the wrapper, ‘simples’ -“you may think again. Try as you might using a combination of knife , scissors fork and spoon it’s like getting into Fort Knox .!!
Like a military campaign you attack from all sides,cutting deep or shallow, Taking your weapons in order cutting a piece at a time at
last, we think it’s all over. The contents make a “sploggy sound and there is an oozing of product, …then it stops! The knife becomes wedged -a draw so far! In a moment of frustration the knife becomes possessed by the Norman Bates psycho and starts to stab the inanimate plastic lump,making it unappetising by the minute.
However turning to the fish , no self respecting cod having spent x ,'days evading the sharks and predators -and the french! -on ice will have one last throw of the dice, as it deflects the blade towards the never regions ‘ouch’ and sends a stark warning - if you don’t want to sing soprano- slow down call it a draw and squeeze it all out, gently. - lasts laughs -but at least you’ll eat him.!
No it’s not what you think -don’t even go there! Maybe a treat for the future
. Are you sitting or better lying on the bed you must have met with some resistance. Have beds gained height, are mattresses moving on the slats, are covers shiny and slippery-you get my drift?
Well done if you embraced the Capt. Scott spirit and reached the summit without incident,for the rest of us, not so Lucky. Just when we need a good night’s kip having tackled a plethora of frustrations, with your head spinning the last you need is a challenge to push you over the edge (quite literally)but don’t despair , I have a solution.
Stand by the top of of the bed facing the pillows,top coverings peeled back, are you ready? (I warn you this approach is based on Newton,s Law of Motion, centrifugal force and all that. ) Ready?
Think yourself twisting ,add the swinging arms anti-clock wise,visualise that lovely sleep that awaits you -and swing and jump at the same time aiming to pull over the peeled back sheets and lock in your body to gain success.
I realise this may not suit everyone. Do contact your GP and be prepared for a visit to A&E if all goes wrong!
Over-rotation is an example. The battle with the ‘Swerving Dervish es’ and corporal Jones comes to mind -keep it under control. Obviously try not to miss the bed entirely this depends on your shape and size. Lack of sheets to wedge in may result in an equal and opposite reaction ie you bounce back!! Good luck.
Thanks for reading, l hope that something rings a bell and raises at least a titter. Everything I write is my real experience and I hope you will give some poetic licence. Keep strong , keep moving, keep fighting.
. Ver A