Husbands who needs them


#1

I have been married 16 years this September and after an argument yesterday morning with my husband Colin he's decided he is bored with me and my Parkinson's how dare he quite frankly does he think I want to be stuck with this condition I'm the one that's suffering with it, not him he doesn't know the half of it I'm so angry I could spit blood. 

I would actually go as far say I think he's jealous of the fact having this has change me into a better person i don't do it 24/7. I make a point of doing what i do to help others only when he is not around.

As far as I am concerned he can GO TO HELL like I do when his crappy attitude causes me so much stress my symptoms start to kick in even when I'm medicated.

If he thinks I am going to apologise he has another thing coming.

I have left two husband's previously  I'm not un able to leaving a third,

BB.


#2

 

Me, I just speak from the heart

People like it or not, When my girlfriend Clare was ill for her it was all consuming it consumed & controlled her, it was frustrating for me because as much as i tried too reach her, I couldn't save her, I had cared for her for 6 years I had put everything into caring for her,  and when she realised the depth of how ill she was and wanted help it was all too late. Life is too fragile for arguements, too short for regrets that last beyond words, Its easy too just say 'im the one suffering' but being the carer & partner it isn't just the one with the illness 'suffering'.

I would give anything to have Clare back if only for a few moments.


#3

I agree with you SA but there is only so much I can take and he is not my carer I look after me. He is crap at showing me support and i just don't think he finds me suitable anymore I get nothing emotional anymore as well I am a very tactical woman with needs and when i love someone I love them with all my heart he cant even kiss me with passion anymore. I am so fed up with it, its driving me crackers he says he sees me not the pd but action talks bull s walks I am so close to walking out I just dont know what to do. I know you miss clare and I understand what you say but to love someone who does not love back is horrible.


#4

 


'he sees me not the pd'  we see the strong independent woman fighting the illness on her own terms 'i look after me' perhaps he see's what we see, sometimes the strongest message received is perceived as the correct one and not the true one we want back in terms of emotional support.

if you don't know what to do, then don't do anything, give it the benefit of time & communication.


#5

Hi BB,

Oh dear, sounds like things have really been kicking off and made Betty blue and see red!!

Perhaps some time apart, would be good. When I need some space, I go to this wonderful place 20mins away. It's a unique Retreat, which takes anyone in, who needs to escape from daily life. It's called Holy Rood House and it's the most caring, friendly place I know.....set in lovely grounds, your own room, delicious food and you just pay what you can afford. No-one is refused. The people are so kind and although it's run by a lady vicar, you are not expected to be religious. You just do your own thing and relax or go in one of the workshops or have a massage......anything goes and nobody is judgmental. It's a real haven!

Anyway, hope you're feeling a bit calmer now! Ring me for a chat, anytime.

Twinks.  x


#6

Thanks twinks I might just give the retreat a thought and I really appreciate you being hear for me xx


#7

Hi SA thanks for your thoughts I do appreciate it the support I get from my friends on here really means a lot without this forum I think i might have battered the crap out of him with my stick.

And I don't give the title friend away very easy but all that I talk to on here have become just that.

 

BB X


#8

 

I have just written you a long post and lost it BB !! So this is short and sweet and hope you and your hubby reach an amicable and suitable decision, it would be an awful shame to throw away those 'good' years of marraige. You are not alone, this parkinsons has drawn a bit of a wedge between our marraige there is not an easy way out but to persevere.

Sending best wishes - Sheffy 


#9

hello karen  .... fair play for letting some steam off , life and people can be so frustrating sometimes , with me all the bad sad things seem to come all at once.,but thats for another day ... i dont think time aparts the answer , or ive never found it that way..ive got only a few ,true good honest friends , who arnt yes men and agree with everything i say but say it like it is either way ..now i think yuve probably got a few mates as i have sometimes it does well to chew there ear for a while ... life is to short as sa says , we tend to forget that in the heat of the moment ..do your best , chin up .mike.....


#10

Thanks sheffy and mike I do really appreciate your input I have to say tonight he seems a bit better maybe he has realised how much he upset me during the row I told him he might want to start considering if he wants to join his mate kev who is right in the middle of breaking up with his wife. He might have just realised then how angry I am because I always make us sit down and talk out our disagreements and this time I have not done that I am defo not going to either. I will wait and see what happens....…...........

 

Bb xx


#11
I sense an undercurrent of resentment over your abilities to help others while he's not around. Perhaps he feels this leaves you with less energy or time to do the things with him that drew you together. Separating now would only confirm to him that he is no longer the most important part of your life. Men like to feel important and unless they can accept the change that has shifted your attention they will start being arsey. It's like when children first come along, unless they mirror your view that the children now come first while they need caring for until they can support themselves the couple will often break up. This period when children grow up is a key break up point if couples can't rekindle the spark that just says I'm here for you and I know you're here for me. It's an utter trust in each other that provides essential security. I don't know your family situation but your increased Parkinson's activity could be viewed as your new Baby but he is not involved so becomes ever more distant. The very reason you keep him isolated from your PD activity may be seen not as giving him your undivided attention when he's there but that you're building a new life that doesn't need him. Of course I could be completely wrong and he just wants you to be reliant on him so he can control how you live your life. I do hope you can talk it through wth him and find a solution that leaves you mutually fulfilled.

#12

Thanks Kendo I have tried to involve him but what actually said to me was I'm board with the fact that not only do I have to deal with your PD I am dealing with every Tom Dick and Harrys PD. I only have to mention that I have been talking with someone on here and he gets huffy weather its a man or woman does not matter. He wants me to turn my back on everything to do with Parkinsons and be wrapped up in cotton wool and i just can't do that.10 years ago I was so selfish I would have walked over anyone to get what I wanted now this PD has changed me into a better person how can that be so wrong...........

So i go about doing what I do online I am not hear there and everywhere I help someone and then I feel better about myself. 

About a week after dx I was sat reading a book about PD he came in and saw I was crying and said all huffy "what now" I reply reading s***about it "so don't then" was the reply I pointed out I had to learn to

understand to enable me to fight I was then told I got the dx wanted!!!!! Through gritted teeth I replied NO I GOT THE DX THAT IS THERE I DON'T WANT THIS CRAP FOR CHRIST SAKE.….......

That was the start of our decline I just don't know anymore....…....it is up to him from now on if he wants our life together or apart. He can decide….....…........

 

 

 

 


#13

You're right, you can't make him accept how you are, only he can make that decision.  We all change in some way as we experience more of Life.  It's up to us to make the most of what we have left, with those that want to take part. 


#14

So true Kendo very true.

 

Much appreciated xx


#15

 

I appreciate what your saying Kendo and also what BB is going through. When I was DX everything was hunky dory, then I joined the committee of the local parkinsons group, and hubby's attitude changed, in that like you say 'he feels left out' because he is not getting my full attention, the thing is he has his fishing hobby, football, gardening etc., all I have is the ability to help out on a committee which I enjoy. A bit of selfishness springs to mind, but I still want to carry on with my new found interest and also hold my marraige together

Sheffy x


#16

Perhaps, like many carers, BB, maybe he cannot accept the  diagnosis. It's very hard to see the person that you married become a different person   and worry what the  future may hold for both of you.

18 years on from   diagnosis at aged 47  it is a very  different lifestyle that we enjoy; limited, frustrating, difficult, and some days, impossible to cope with, BUT, for better or worse,   I hang in there and always will. It would be easy to opt but   I remember the good days both past and present. My husband now has memory problems so it's even more difficult.

It took me many years to get my OH involved with our local Parkinsons branch. We are now both committee members and as involved as we can be,BUT again, as membership secretary I organise events for the monthly meetings but I never let that take over from our relationship. He comes first so do not let your involement with Parkinsons  affect your relationship. Decide what or who comes first.


#17

I understand he may and i suspect does have trouble accepting my dx at the end of the day he has no choice but to accept it because if he can't it will tear us apart.

He has never been an easy persons to live with even when he voices concern it can often sound like he is having a pop at me, and I cannot and will not tolerate anyone whom thinks they know better than i do in regards to my pd when he does not, for instance he cannot tell one of the names of my medications.  

He would have me turn my back on everything to do with Parkinson's but that is not possible as having it mean's i cannot.

I have always put him first in my life because he is my life, the choice for him would be for me to stay at home all day long which would leave me basically doing housework and  having daytime tv for company which would drive me mad and make me feel so isolated.

And as said before he is not my carer's in anyway shape or form i look after me and no one else.


#18

 

It;s hard  to explain BB is'nt it, I feel the same way. I feel as if my OH thinks my brain has been affected as well as my body, he treats me like a child sometimes, which annoys me. It comes to a head sometimes and ends in an argument then settles down for a while, then starts all over again. I think he wants me to not do anything at all but to sit and vegetate!  Stay with it as long as you can and have a talk about things see how it works out.

Sheffy x


#19

Yes we seem to singing from the same song sheet so to speak.

And unless you have been through it yourself nigh on impossible to explain, this is my third marriage and the longest one both my ex husbands were control freaks who thought if a man was talking to me then we must be having an affair.

So i left both of them and when I decide to give someone the get lost heave how I do not turn around and change my mind.

He has two choices man up and grow up or get lost.

Thanks Sheffy xx


#20

BB, after 18 years I still have difficulty accepting OH's diagnosis. I rail against it most days with some out burst or other. I DO know better than my OH  does with regards to P as I am the one to research it in terms of medication etc.and to keep up to date with new developments. because he can't as he does not use   the forum or the internet.Maybe involve your husband more with this aspect?? It may help both of you.

It seems BB that you are angry with the way that you OH is addressing your P. As a carer, I can identify with that from the other side, BUT, one day, your husband, WILL be your carer, like it or not,  just as  am right now for my OH. Take care what you wish for.

You say that you have always put him first but you   are now putting your involvement with P first over an above him!. How must that make him feel? To just shut the door on him is really  giving up, just my opinion which you may not like. I often feel like giving up, as a carer, but I made a promise and I still love my OH as much now as I did when we married,(maybe more so), so I am in it for the long term, whatever the future holds.