My morbid thoughts turned to self harm,physically and emotionally,in its numerous forms.I think a lot is associated with depression,but also in way the medication both gives a clear window but also a haziness, combined with a renewed drive and clarity or maybe unclarity(whichever way you see it)of mind,to act on these thoughts.Combined also,with a pre-existing undiagnosed psychological condition.A heady mix really.
When considering all the complications and variations of how parkinsons affects someone diagnosed with the condition.What is commonly overlooked,is the underlying pre-diagnosis,already existing medical and psychological make-up of each individual.
Together,with the wide variation of how parkinsons affects us.It can be definitely said,without a shadow of doubt.That no Two people diagnosed are exactly the same.Certain symptoms,progression,side-effects to medication,tolerance to medication and psychological ability to deal with the diagnosis.Plus,how to cope with parkinsons in everyday life.Can result in infinite differences in those managing and living with the condition.
It is commonly accepted that depression comes hand in hand with parkinsons in a large percentage of those diagnosed.Up to 60% ish has been suggested,but these cases themselves can vary in intensity.It is no fun for anybody diagnosed with parkinsons,depression and the stigma of is often masked.As is parkinsons itself in many instances.
For many people,myself included,depression was diagnosed prior to pd diagnosis.For other reasons,maybe also perhaps because i was battling with the parkinsons symptoms up to that point without knowing what was wrong with me at that time.Indeed,in my case,i thought i had cancer,which i thought was coursing through my body.To already be in a dark place then be given a straw that breaks the camels back,can be devastating. To adjust ones life and come to terms with an incurable,progressive illness whilst suffering from depression is a big ask for many people.
Some may have understanding partners,who with their support,help that pwp re-adjust their life and carry on forward without too much upset.However,others may have partners who are not as supportive and turn their backs on their newly diagnosed other halfs.A sort of bury their head in the sand mentality.Or perhaps they are feeling overwhelmed,unfeeling even,or maybe just intolerant of various things a pwp has to go through.Many relationships break up under the strain.Especially when possible side effects to medication kick in.
What really bothers me,bearing all the above in mind.Is the lack of understanding of some of those within the pd community towards those who suffer the most,or let's say extremes of behaviour.The same people sometimes,who have suffered similar themselves,but then act with total prejudice towards those they single out with a "pack mentality",which is rather ironic really.Why?,because that individual was suffering from previous undiagnosed psychological problems which were exagerated to extremes,firstly by the parkinsons and secondly by the medication.I thought these mental health prejudices had been resolved decades ago?
Is it correct to be so judgemental?When not even understanding or knowing the many and varied underlying conditions of those suffering from parkinsons.People can come on here and state that they have an interest in the way parkinsons manifests itself and how it affects the lives of those diagnosed.How a pwp deals with this?What symptoms appeared first?,order of progression.How the medication has helped or perhaps made worse?Yet these same people are quick to condemn,judge and attack those who in fact,need the most help.Why?,because that person who they castigate,has no understanding partner and is suffering from other psychological and personal issues which the medication further exagerates.
I take my Ant-depressants,maximum dose,all at once,late at night.This helps me sleep.If i diden't,i would be awake most of the night.I am also towards the end of an 18 month group therapy(mentalisation based programme)for those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.My behaviour for a long time on the forums seemed like that of a manic depressive.A lot of my problems due to a bad childhood etc,long standing,hightened by the pd medication.Maybe all this anxiety,stress,abuse,uncertainty,abandonement,jumbling of emotions suffered throughout life prior to diagnosis was a contributary factor in my developing parkinsons in the first place,who knows?
However,i think it is wrong to accept those who tow the middle of the road behavioural line and be intolerant and dismissive of the extremes.Because,in the search for knowledge/enlightenment concerning what is a very complicated condition.It could possibly be that the most important breakthroughs are not in the obvious/mundane,but are to be found in the extremes.