Suicide

About Parkinson's and health Newly diagnosed
1

Hello

I was diagnosed with young onset last September when I was 37. The only family I have is my mum and she was diagnosed with bone cancer a few weeks back ( not something she will survive ). The only thing that would have stopped me from considering suicide as an option was my mum, and while it is not something I will act on with her here I can't get it out of my head. Has anyone else thought about this ?

 

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Hi nostromo

So sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. That's a lot to take on board especially with your own recent diagnosis. 

There is help and support out there. I know that you've read about many people on this forum who were terrified at the point of diagnosis but learned later that life goes on and are able to manage their condition. 

I hope that others on this forum do get back to you. But it's a really good idea to reach out for some of the support available. You can call Samaritans at 08457 909090. There is also support available for both you and your mum from MacMillan. They have a helpline at 0808 808 00 00.

I hope this helps. Best wishes to you and your family,

Ezinda

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Hi Nostromo,

I'm really sorry to hear your latest news. I know you've often posted that you feel little supported. But there is support here and we will be here for you. Don't give up on us. Be strong for your mother, for you. Do take Ezinda's advice.

Best wishes

Semele

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Hi Nostromo; I am also diagnosed with young PD I am 36. I know a bit how you feel. Sorry about your mum.. But she wants only the best for you and you need to be strong. I think that we need to accept the PD diagnosis, take medicines and try to live normal life.
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Hi nostomo,
        I was diagnosed in Nov 2009 aged 45.Leading up to this,i had been having investigations for cancer,i had been peeing blood.I lost an awful lot of weight.Was pain killered to the max.Panic attacks and severe anxiety/depression.
        At the same time i was having neurological investigations,tremor etc.I was like a zombie,given up on life.The outcome,diagnosed parkinsons.The meds were like a miracle for me.Physically,i started to function properly again.The same month i was diagnosed,my adoptive Mother was hospitalised with a fall,broken hip and Alzheimers.So there was an awful lot going on.She now languishes in a care home,my adopted Father also has Dementia now,i have to visit daily ,there is nobody else.I feel trapped and stretched to the max.
        Mentally,i was and still am in a bad place,things which i had been covering for years exploded in my face.A year or so after diagnosis i had a gall stone operation,which went wrong,i was in agony,the site of the blood soaking though my gown and pouring down my side still haunts me.A post Traumatic Stress thing.You could say i now have a fixation with blood.Need to see it to feel,or to numb,or some weird combination what can't be voiced.It took weeks,even months for the pain to subside.I became addicted to painkillers,which i would wash down with Alcohol and PD meds,then would self harm.Just wanted to numb,i felt Empty,useless,life over.I still get like this.
        Having other psychological issues,plus deep issues from childhood etc,leaves me constantly switching moods,dissociation,plus intense suicidal urges.I have periods of intense hatred of myself.I won't go into the things i think and do.My driving licence has been taken off me for psychological reasons.I feel a failure in every department.
        If you can release your pain via another outlet,i write what i feel or poetry.Or seek councilling/psychotherapy.This may help you cope when those suicidal urges come.I have been having group therapy as well as individual.Mainly for Borderline personality Disorder.I know i will never be right,will always have suicidal urges,but think now i am more controlled.
        I just want you to know,i truely understand where you are coming from.You are not alone with these feelings,so don't feel bad about them.It is a really bad place to be.Anti-depressants and councilling via your G.P may be a good starting point,during what is a terrible time for you.
                  My thoughts are with you
                        Titan
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Nostromo,  I understand how you feel. I was dx at 51 but had symptoms for 10 years before. I also had a 7 year old daughter .Having many misdiagnoses before didnt help, I also lost my mum within 2 months of her being dx with pancreatic cancer, my brother 2 months later with bone cancer, he was 45. My father died a year later with blood cancer. My nephews 8 week old baby died. My best friend died of brain hemmorage, My beautiful aunt hung herself and her husband died of a broken heart a yesr later. All in a space of 5years then a few weeks ago my sister in law was found dead in her chair at home.She was in her 40s. So you see ....WE are still alive to feel hapiness..sadness...pain...new experiences...maybe A CURE. I am not trying to trivialise your situation but what I am trying to say is we have HOPE, 

 Neenag x

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              Hello Nostromo

                       Good screen name by the way, I nearly chose Sulaco,

   I was very sad to read your story and the grief on hearing the diagnosis and likely out come for you dear Mother,I cannot imagine how you must feel and its ok me sitting here asking you to be strong for her , they are simply words and words from a complete stranger at that, so why am I writing to  you , you may well ask

 I was in a Identical situation two years ago , my Father was dying PD was crucifying me and suicide forever flirted with my weakened mind,I thought of jumping off the tyne bridge, but onto the quayside  not into the water, I cant swim, if you see in those few words how destroyed I was I wanted to die but not drowned I made no concessions to the poor folks I would leave behind or the medics who would have to clean up the flattened remains of myself on the pavement, I decided against suicide and chose life,and chose to fight PD with all my resources available, and you know why, because I know it would make my Father proud to see me fighting hard as I possibly could , his death was long and drawn out, over 3yrs he struggled, his passing was relief for all witnessing his determined but ultimate failure,you can use your undoubted youth and Intelligence to progress with PD not re-gress do not look back but towards a better future in your time there will be a cure until that  momentous day arrives you must go on, otherwise all who read  this Forum will feel the loss of such a promising young recruit, do not give one millimetre to PD all support is here.

                              I wish you well young man in the struggle ahead

                                                   Fed

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Hello again, Nostromo --

As usual, I'm late picking up the posts I most want to answer.  I remember you well from our previous exchanges.  Please feel free to email me privately if you wish.

You must not succumb to your thoughts of suicide.  I know how it feels to have the one person on earth you love most get a diagnosis of bone cancer.  My husband's cancer had spread into his spine before it was discovered.  There was my future caregiver, suddenly in need of my care instead.  And I knew I would shortly be bereft of the love of my life.  My PD symptoms seemed to worsen during that most painful period of my entire life, and I could not see through the terrible pain to any  future time, when things might be better.  I was blinded by my own illness as well as his.

But you must believe that there WILL be more in life for you.  You are such a young person compared to many of us on this forum that we react strongly against your thinking of self-destruction.  We know how fast the decades have passed for us and hate the idea that you are considering depriving yourself of your future.  I know you probably cannot see ahead any better than I could two and a half years ago.  But there really are brighter times somewhere out there.  As Fed pointed out, your youth ensures that the cure will come in time for you to benefit.  Those of us who expect to have only 10 to 20 years more are hoping, but we may be gone by that time.  

It has been two weeks since your post.  I do hope you have passed through the shock of another wretched diagnosis and are beginning to come to terms with your dear mother's mortality.  It was a slow process for me, I recall, to accept my husband's imminent death.  Then I entered the hideously painful period of caring for him and trying to relieve his suffering.  You may discover what I believe is a general truth:  it is worse to watch someone you love suffer than it is to suffer yourself.  Do your best to bear the pain and know that it will not last forever.  I keep coming back to this point:  there IS a future, and your mum would surely want you to live it, enjoy it as much as you can, and find others with whom to share your life.

Please post again soon, even if it is just to argue against my reasoning here.  Silence is worrisome.

Thinking of you --    J 

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J....you are an inspirational, caring person. I can identify with what you are saying as life has been similar to me.

Also silence is worrying Nostromo.....so please answer.

 

    Neenag x

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Thank you, Neenag x, for those words.  Life may have "been similar" for you, but your losses formed an incredible multiplication of mine!  I really do not know how you kept your hopeful attitude alive through such a long series of deaths in the family.  You must be a remarkable person! 

Best wishes,     J

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Thankyou J... You can't always change things in life so acceptance goes a long way to coping with what ever is thrown your way. Just spend energy on things you can change That's how I cope with PD . You still grieve for things but can put thoughts..changes into some kind of order.

Oh how many things that used to be important to me before PD now seem trivial. Who cares if the bed isn't made or the curtains don't quite match? Not me lol.....I have tooooo much living to do.

Love Neenag x

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True, Neenag59!  Hardships of all kinds can give us a new perspective on the important things in life.  My husband used to say we should not spend time or money on "things"; his motto was "Buy the memories."  In our later years together, we tried to forget the physical trappings of life and create memories through experiences, such as travel, music, theatre, etc.  Just being together was the most important thing to us.  Now that I'm without him, I am so glad we made the most of our time!

And, Nostromo, where are you?  We are all hoping for a post from you.

J

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Hi nostromo

You are not alone i was fixated with those thoughts and i am also early onset, my Parkinsons nurse recognised it and prescribed Mirtazapine which has been great help for me.  It is a symptom of PD and needs treating just like the other symptoms.  So there is hope for the future, i am very much enjoying life now. 

Richard

 

 

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Thanks folks for the comments. Suicide is not a root I will take while my mother is alive but it's something I will give thought to when she is gone. I respect and appreciate other's views but I don't think a cure is coming in my lifetime. All i have ever heard from the experts is they know nothing about why it is caused and that they can't predict how it will progress as every individual has their own version. This means developing treatments will be tricky and a cure almost impossible. I do appreciate the thoughtful comments but once my mum has gone I will have no family. I don't and won't have any children ( I am gay ). I don't own a home ( in fact I would be homeless now were it not for the kindness of a friend ). I will probably be single, I have no money and it's doubtful I will work again which means I'll be living on benefits (as I am now, well employment support allowance that is) and it sounds like they are being slashed now so imagine how they are going to be in 20 years ! I've been on selegiline approx 6 weeks now and they have done nothing to improve my stiffness and walking. I made an application for independent living allowance back in early Feb and still nothing, although I'm sure they will take one look at me and because I am a man of working age pack me off to work, ignoring the fact I can't walk properly and spend every afternoon exhausted and have to lay down for an hour or so. Sorry to be the voice of doom folks but when I add this all up it doesn't leave me all that excited by the future or hopeful.

 

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Oh Nostromo

How I wish I could comfort you.

You are going through a terrible time watching your Mum fade away.

There are no easy words to take away your pain, but there are many people who can help you.

I believe stem cells will be a "cure" in less than 10 years, new and better meds are on their way, progression does not have to be fast....my husband has had Parkinsons for 14 years and walks regularly, plays golf, visits the cinema etc.

Please phone the helpline, get advice about benefits and meds....Selegilene probably isn't enough.

If you can improve your financial and physical situation you may find the strength to cope with the rest.

You may not see a family as part of your future but you may find a loving relationship to bring you comfort and purpose.

Please don't slam the door on a future which you fear but may be so much more  fulfillingthan you imagine.

Love

GG

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good advice stay strong !

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Nostromo - I hope you find a way out of this darkness.  As for a cure, maybe, maybe not; but check out this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RJOJp4KJ-w.  I hope it helps.

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Hey wpg chap. I tried to watch link but saying invalid or something. Is there anything you can do your end? Would be interested in having a look. Thanks a lot. Nostromo, God loves you and he made you, every part of you and you are good. Your life has a purpose and God has a plan for you. You may not believe, I dont know but I will pray for you. I am scared too. Bricking it in fact. So I dont mean to belittle your concerns. Fear is all consuming at times for me and I cant imagine what you must be going through. Hang in there. I look at this forum all the time so dont be alone.
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Hi Nostromo,

I took the liberty of looking up other posts on another thread  and hope you were able to take tup the various contacts before fate gave you this latest kick in the teeth.    Have you tried the helpline above at the top of this page.    They give a wide range of practical as well as being a listening ear.  Also you may not think of yourself as a carer as lots of people say "Oh no I'm, not their carer..., I'm their  husband, wife, daughter, etc " but you might find it useful to talk face to face with someone.  I certainly found it helpful when I was looking after my mother. as I was very much alone with  it...only child...disfunctional parents etc.   You need to look after yourself to be the best help to your  mother.  You look a lovely caring young man  (I can say that because my lads are 48 and 59 now and their still my lads).  Depending on the area there are quite a few support organisations.  The following is a branch  in the Bristol Area of a national organisation.

I don't seem to able to cut and paste here but it is 

  The Princess Trust Carers Centre,      0117 965 2200

   The Vasssal Centre, Gill Ave., Fishponds,  BS16 2QQ

 

Even if you have good reason to be depressed the anti-depressants nowadays are often a great help.  Have you got a sympathetic doctor. 

Best wishes,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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minxish - works for me.  Try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4Jr6WkRLtc.  If that doesn't work go to www.youtube.com and search for Dr. Oz and Michael J. Fox.  Good luck