I was diagnosed in Nov 2009 aged 45.Leading up to this,i had been having investigations for cancer,i had been peeing blood.I lost an awful lot of weight.Was pain killered to the max.Panic attacks and severe anxiety/depression.
At the same time i was having neurological investigations,tremor etc.I was like a zombie,given up on life.The outcome,diagnosed parkinsons.The meds were like a miracle for me.Physically,i started to function properly again.The same month i was diagnosed,my adoptive Mother was hospitalised with a fall,broken hip and Alzheimers.So there was an awful lot going on.She now languishes in a care home,my adopted Father also has Dementia now,i have to visit daily ,there is nobody else.I feel trapped and stretched to the max.
Mentally,i was and still am in a bad place,things which i had been covering for years exploded in my face.A year or so after diagnosis i had a gall stone operation,which went wrong,i was in agony,the site of the blood soaking though my gown and pouring down my side still haunts me.A post Traumatic Stress thing.You could say i now have a fixation with blood.Need to see it to feel,or to numb,or some weird combination what can't be voiced.It took weeks,even months for the pain to subside.I became addicted to painkillers,which i would wash down with Alcohol and PD meds,then would self harm.Just wanted to numb,i felt Empty,useless,life over.I still get like this.
Having other psychological issues,plus deep issues from childhood etc,leaves me constantly switching moods,dissociation,plus intense suicidal urges.I have periods of intense hatred of myself.I won't go into the things i think and do.My driving licence has been taken off me for psychological reasons.I feel a failure in every department.
If you can release your pain via another outlet,i write what i feel or poetry.Or seek councilling/psychotherapy.This may help you cope when those suicidal urges come.I have been having group therapy as well as individual.Mainly for Borderline personality Disorder.I know i will never be right,will always have suicidal urges,but think now i am more controlled.
I just want you to know,i truely understand where you are coming from.You are not alone with these feelings,so don't feel bad about them.It is a really bad place to be.Anti-depressants and councilling via your G.P may be a good starting point,during what is a terrible time for you.
My thoughts are with you