THROUGH THE GATES(of hell )


#1

sad faceYes its a dramatic title isnt it but I can tell you my dear friends as you browse this  post you will gain a little  understanding of my pain anguish and anger this poor  excuse for  a  human being has  endured over  the  last year, well the  last five  years really, so here  we go , oh one other point some  of  my  words and descriptions are crude and shocking and I know some of you lovely  pals  will be somewhat disappointed by my behaviour but I need to off load  the  guilt the horrible things  I  said  and did and  you are it to  be blunt.            

          sad face12  2  2012, my Father left us  to begin his journey   across the known universe and I was  glad  he had been dying a excruciaiting death for three years and I his  youngest  son ,despite promising him  that I would not allow him  to  die in the Geriatric ward of the local hospital , thats exactly what I did, my father was  a very strong  wiry intelligent gentleman,  also  very shy and retiring and  the  hospital environment did not bode  well for him on his  final six  months on planet earth .

                        T B C

 

 

 

 


#2

Helllo  I must go  out now so  a  slight delay folkssmile


#3

coolSorry  about  that,  needs  must.

              So  as I mentioned  Father died and  part  of me also, if  you  listen to  the  Furies  The Old Man the words  could be written  for  Dad, and  although I did  not  notice  it  at first  a creeping  depression  was  lurking and if its one thing I fear most Its depression , it takes the fight  out  of me and  do I need  to fight for  the Prostate problem is making life  awkward  but  by  a strange coincidence  I noticed a hightened hypersexuality also  and  as my  dear  wife and I no  lo that  our  longer  share the  marital bed  never mind any  form of physical activity , I began to explore  the  dark  world of Adult vids and I am ashamed  to  say  it  became  a addiction, and if I say my wife  became  shockingly aware of my need for this form  of  entertainment no less than three times and despite assurances that I would  desist it was the ultimation that my marriage was  at  risk that  finally got  through and a rationing of  the  Laptop of course, but  taking  my  source of  knowledge away tipped  me deeeper  into  the  Dark, if  watching  horny  movies had  worked  all the aggro would have at  least had  some  use but  as  nothing in  the  sexual  dept   functions if  you  get  my  meaning ,and so it  is  today,  I will  post  this   and  continue.!


#4

smileSorry Im having  to  do  it  like  this  but  it  will  vapourise in a  fragment  of  time, 

        Now our  relationship  is blighted the worst  part is  I  want  her so  bad even a hug  would  be  treasured  but no, my  Lady  has morphed  into  my nurse carer   and thats  it, no kisses  caresses  hugs  just   a cold  aloofness which  is  hard  to  take,  especially  with memories of   her  torrid past  still  clear  and  pushing  me  deeper  every  minute , I will skip a  couple  of  years  as they blend into  the present and the passionless life we   have  is  ongoing only  now BLACKHEART  is on top  form  scoring  lethal  hits with  every broadside andI also am  accompanied by a  pain unlike  anything I  HAVE  EVER  EXPERIENCED its  in  my  lower  back  and  mostly  left  thigh, with  occasional  right  ditto,   when  it  strikes it  makes  me  want  to  vomit ,  bringing  tears  to  my eyes and has a  amazing  effect  on  my bowels  so  venturing  too far  from  a  loo  is  not  feasible I  know  this  also breeds  resentment   and  I have  appointments pending  to  investigate  the  source  of  the  pain but  ohh  how  I  LONG  FOR  A  HUG   at  least  the  pain  has  suppressed  the    hypersex  thing  some   exchange  eh,, so  onward,,, onward  to  the  most  crushing  event ever  in  my  life,   the date   05  02  2016  And  the  death  of  my   Mother and the black cloud  enveloped  me  losing  my  Mother was  like  opening  the  floodgates to  BLACKHEART and  I became   another  person the loss  too  heavy  for  old  Fed,  the  new fed  was  harder  unbending  non  breakable  I  made  decisions  set  limits and goals and  placed  things  in  order  of  importance the  pain  is very  very severe  and  on  a  scale  of  1 to 100,, its   around  1.  230.000 at  the  moment , its  so  bad  I  expect  it to  kill me  anyday  soon,  but  its also  making  me  fight,,  its  myy  own  personal  war I dont  know  if  you  can understand,  its  like two  marathon  runners   in  a last  gasp  run  to  the  end  to  life  or death.

                                              TBC


#5

confusedcoolThis whole totally confusing bewildering long  term mentally draining  affair  has built me  a  stronger  platform with  which  I  will  continue  to  battle  this  evil  entity  disolving   by  brain  and  mind,  but  it  will  be  hard,  for  instance  as  you  will   know  I  have  the CAD-LegacyDuodopa device which was  fitted nearly  five  years  ago , I was told  to  expect  5  to  7  years  before   the  effectiveness  would lessen  well  guess   what its  effectiveness is  declining, I am  having terrifying shutdowns  (almost  total )  and  the  machines  recent tweaking  to  allow  me to  wear  it  all  night  enabling  mobility  in  the  early  hrs caused  by  the  Ptate  ? is   only  mildly  successful but  it  is  infinitely adjustable  so  we  do  have  room  to  adjust  further this  is  not  without  cost,,  the  more  DuoCarbodopa the  pump  delivers  seems to  incurhypersex  or  worse,   the  most   horrible  of  horrible dreams,so  I  win  I  lose  ad  infinitum,  I will  end  it  here  and  await  replies,, the  QUESTION   Does   trauma  somehow  strengthen the  Parkybrain.

                                     Answers   ona postcard  or  here  even

                                                         FED

 


#6

big grinI decided  to  edit  my  thoughts  as  I  Got  the  message  across  I  thinkwink


#7

Hi fedexlike,

I'm so sorry to read this and to hear about all the pain you've been going through over the past few months, and I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and mother - this must have been so difficult for you. It sounds like you've been through so much.

Please do remember that always help is out there and you're not alone, as you know the forum is a great place to talk to others and our Helpline team are on 0808 800 0303 or hello@parkinsons.org.uk - they will be really happy to help you however they can with support and information.  And you can also call the Samaritans at any time on 116 123.

Take care, and let us know how you're getting on.

Joanne - Digital team. 


#8

So sorry. Hope yur new determination helps a little. I feel helpless to think of the right words to say. Am thinking of you. Will be in hospital for rest of this week, but will look out for you on forum when released back to the wild.

Take care and hope things improve for you.


#9

coolHello Joanne, Casie and Porthos thank you for your kind replies ,  things are difficult  just  now  with huge   mood  swings some  days Im strong  while  others  I simply  weep  most  of  the  day, oh  if you  throw  in  a  fearful  water  infection  complete  with  vivid  hallucinations it  really gets  interesting, I  am  lucky  my  dear  wife  has  stood  by  me really  though  I  know  it has  been  very  hard  for  her, I  do  love  her  and  hope  we  can weather  this  massive  storm,as  I  will  stop  living  if  any  thing   happened to  her,

                                       Hope  all  is  well  re  ops

                                                          FEDsmile


#10

oh Fed. The only thing I can offer is Broccoli water or soup. Chop up the broccoli, incl stems and boil and then what I do, is put in a stock cube to make it more palatable and blitz the whole thing. For some reason this helps my husband when he has prostate troubles. You might want to give it a go. Sounds like you have not much to loose.

<<<hugs>>> to you


#11

So sad to read of your distress

 

hopefully the Forum can offer some comfort 

 

 


#12

Hi, fedexlike --

You have had trial after trial under the grip of this hideous affliction!  And, as you know, I have followed your story and feel great sympathy for all you have so bravely weathered. I knew that hypersexuality could result from the use of pramipexole; I experienced it for a period myself and remember another forum member telling of her solution of writing racy novels.  But apparently other PD-related causes are possible, too.  Of course, my dealings with that issue were those of a woman.  I cannot offer you advice, only the hope that your dear wife can understand your need for affection at such a time.  Your love for her is obvious; I remember my late husband's frequent prediction, which you echo, that he would die (spiritually even if not physically) if I should die first.  When I was first dx, he was determined to live on to be my caregiver.  Hah!  Ironic twists await around every corner in life.  I served as his caregiver instead for his final months until cancer finally took his life.  Although a part of me certainly died with him, I continue alone and cannot complain about my current welfare.  The difference is that when I need a caregiver, I shall hire professionals by moving into an assisted living facility rather than having the choice of staying with a spouse.

I do wish you relief from pain and nightmares and depression and any other PD curses that strike.  I'll keep in touch and hope you will keep posting.

J


#13

coolmadHello Oregon Lady  and kind person,also all of my buddies who have wished me well, aaaahmm could  you  wish a  bit  harder as BLACKHEART is  using  my arch enemy  Dee  Pression,( nastysneakybarsteard ) to kill me, yes yes, let me elaborate ,, the PD is disabling me at least 4or 5 days per week,  and when  I am  disabled any offers by my wife or my friends  to take me to my favourite places I must decline and of course when  they leave, 10 mns later  I can knock doors out of  windows, I did  precisely that while visiting my mate Ian,and  was like a pig in  muck ,??? my dearest buddy had  hired a KUBOTA U55-4  or a excavtor ( 360) to dig   out the footingns and drains for his new  extension, he rang me and asked for my opinion on this  Diorama he was constructing (he also collects 1/50 scale heavy plant models) I reluctantly agreed to his request and had  no idea  the true reason he needed me. When we turned into the Coal  de  Sack,, yes yes I know,,my  eyes lit up, (they are powered by 2 duracel  rechargables  , not ,sorry )  the little KUB had arrived straight from the dealers and was completely unmarked , it  was  wearing a 600, BUCKET, with a 400 spare, "I thought  you  would  like to see if  you  still have it( skills ) and  I know I can trust you",  I wept buckets, both excitement fear and expectations by my goodest mate , who also had tears rolling down his  face,, /?? well  come on  yi soft bugger  come  and  have a look  ,, so   I surveyed the dig which effectively doubled  the  size off his  home and quickly worked out my plan o  attack, he had also hired  a  THWAITES 5 ton capacity  a  great machine for  this type of work, so"   mount  up "  I cried and I inserted the isolator key to bing  the truly excellent litte  KUBto  life and  trundled   into Ians  back  garden, oh  not before  fitting  the  1mtr  bucket (BULK HANDLING)  bucket as  the topsoil  had to be stripped for  the  engineer o mark  out the  footings we   started at  0915  and  the  excelent  little  5.5ton  Kub  removed  the  last  few  crumbs  of  soil  at  1145,,   the engineer  Paul  and  Ian  marked  out  the  founds which  were  all   600s ,and  very  awkward  and  after  a bite to  eat  we  started  at 1.00  , well  it  all  came back  to me  I will  have  to  leave it there a   beloved  has  rationed my  time  on  my  lapop  after  my   shamefull  adventures  so  I will complete  his  tale ASAP

                                                                        fedFEDEXLIKE


#14

coolHello  friends,,ONWARD

                                                   So  the engineer  marked  out  the foundations with  white  spray  paint and  with  a blip  on  the  start  button  the  Kub  sprang  to  life,  now  bear  in  mind  I had  not  operated any  machine since   99  but  as  I tracked  onto  site  it  seemed  like only  yesterday,  (white lace  and  promises a  kiss  for  luck  and were on  our  way) huw sang thows wirds  ,woodwirker  clue eek

So  I aligned the machine on  the  first line  and six  hrs  later  supppose  I SAY it  myself I  completed  the   task in  a  very  professional way  , then  after  much  patting  of  back, I had  to  part   company  with  the  excellent Kub and  as  we  were approached FED TOWERS  two  bed  semi,, I  lapsed  into  black  depression and  my  question  is  this  WHY  WHY  when  I  was carving  the  clay  in  Ians  garden I was totally  different  person  happy  as  a  pig in  smellies, the  once I  stopped  a  black  cloud  descended and  lasted  all  day,  why  can  I  NOT feel  satisfied in  a  job well  done???its  the  same  applies  whatever  and  whenever  I  TRY anything,

                                              A very   sed  FED,,  YES I know  but  sed  rhymes  with  FED  Sad  disney


#15

I can relate to what you are saying as I have the same thing.

i think it is just the condition and for me it helps if I allow myself to feel whatever it is.

 

i have 5 things I use to help with the dep.anxiety

1. Recognition - I feel....

2. Acceptance - it is ok to ...

3. Writing - keep notebook, Blog

4. Mindfulness - using breathing to stop racing, over whelming thoughts

5. Distraction- small tasks, activities 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#16

Hello ALL

          cool   Suddenly as if by  magic the  agonising pain in my  left  hip  and  thigh  has  gone  away ,  it  has been less savage Thursday  and Friday,,  then almost  all  day  yesterday, and  now  its  gone,  and  I  am very  happy  as it had  me 95% disabled,   in  my  so  the  plan to climb  the north  face  of the Eiger,,is  back on,, err  well  no  its not  its  a  very  silly  idea  so  no  wont  be  doing  that,  however It  was  a trapped  nerve  apparently  now  how  does  that  happen , anybody,,,  why  do  nerves trap  themselves  surly  there is enough  room in  my  body to escape  the trappers,  hide behind my  liver  or my  spleen, or  even  in  a  lung  all  those  tubes in my  lungs would  be a  exellent  place  to  hide, but  no  the  daft bu???r  has  to  get trapped  and  cause  its  host  (me)  agony has anyone  else suffered  in  this  way,  perhaps its  the  forced  stoop  of  PD  VICTIMS that causes it so  my appointment  for  the  CT scan  on  Tuesday 7.30pm  should I keep  it or let  someone else  take my place,, what  can  I say "  eh  WELL  I  HAD  A PAIN BUT  ITS  GONE  AGAIN,  like  a  xpress  train  down  a very  big  drain driving me  insane worser  than a  migraine ,", will  wordsorth  hah,,big grin


#17

Well, fed, what can I say?  You get some fellows out of pain, and they turn into poets!  You have a copy of my efforts at poetry, so it's a fair exchange, I guess. 

Except for my morning creakiness, I am still pain-free most of the time.  But age as well as PD can take its toll.  That is the main reason that I am travelling so much:  I know I won't always be able to haul luggage around an airport.  From my location in Oregon, I am taking two short trips soon, one to Seattle and one to Hawaii.  The first is partly to play tourist in my neighbouring state of Washington and partly to visit with family.  The second I am taking alone in order to focus for a few days on finishing up my second collection of poetry, which I hope to have on Amazon by January.  Other travel will wait till 2017.

Sincerely hoping your pains stay at bay (behind your liver or pancreas or whatever),

J

 

 


#18

big grincool

 As  you can see Lady  J of Grey, I am very pleased to here from you dear friend and if you dont  mind me saying you look very pretty this sunny morning in Geordieland,, and   thank you  for your approving approval??  of my poetry, thats me  on  the left  by the  way and  my Brother wearing my  RAYBANS  he was visiting me as his Grandson  Callum is starting his first term at  Newcastle University, , he (Callum) is a  , or  really nice natured young  lad and has settled  into Uni life  well,  mind when I say he lived in a compact two  bed (three with a fold up) with his Mam Dad  and four siblings , yes    four  Caleb  Connor Chris and C Caddwen where DO they  get these names J ,,I it must be  peacefully blissfullness? at Uni  ,, as I was about  to say,  when  my Brother visits my  RAY  BANS disappear ,  "Oh can  I borrow your  RBs FED "  notice the  word  borrow,  and I never see them again ,still what are Brothers for  eh, if you cant nick things  of value off your Brother who can   you  nick things off, or should that   be from.

 You are on  the road  again then you keep PD at bay that  way which is excellent by  the way , keeping your intellect sharp as a  box wearing red socks, ? or blue even, as my Cousin Steven, (twice removed) as he wont go  voluntarily ,but  he  is family so what do I  do ,  as  I said  Will Wordsworth who  was  he  again, and did I mention looking good  Lady   J.

                                      Always at your service

                                                                    FED


#19

 

Hi Fedex - didn't know you were from the North East were I'm from. I originally came from Sunderland, moved to the midlands when I was a slip of a lass, and been here ever since! Though I sense we are from different sides of the river?? Nevertheless we are still neighbours in a way, and I too have a grandson named Callum, funny old world is'nt it?

Take care - Sheila


#20

coolbig grin

               Good morrow fellow Geordie,  I hail from the small town  or   large village whichever is appropriatequestion mark of Seaton Delaval, Northumberland NE25  do  you  lnow it.

The reason I am  posting this post is this,no  doubt you will all  have heard of  Aversion Therapy thats where if  you   are  obsessed with  some thing  or  someone and  its  becoming unhealthy, such  a my hypersexuality and very  unhealthy porn  fixation,  then you get  a   2000 volt  charge at   the  first sign of  such  behaviour ,in  other words  pain very painfull  pain,  well  it  works and  I can  tell you  how  it  worked  for  me,  but  it  will have  to  be  later  as  beloved is  going  out now  and   she does  not  trust me  with  my  pc  so  LATERSdear  friends

                                                   FED