Yes its a dramatic title isnt it but I can tell you my dear friends as you browse this post you will gain a little understanding of my pain anguish and anger this poor excuse for a human being has endured over the last year, well the last five years really, so here we go , oh one other point some of my words and descriptions are crude and shocking and I know some of you lovely pals will be somewhat disappointed by my behaviour but I need to off load the guilt the horrible things I said and did and you are it to be blunt.
12 2 2012, my Father left us to begin his journey across the known universe and I was glad he had been dying a excruciaiting death for three years and I his youngest son ,despite promising him that I would not allow him to die in the Geriatric ward of the local hospital , thats exactly what I did, my father was a very strong wiry intelligent gentleman, also very shy and retiring and the hospital environment did not bode well for him on his final six months on planet earth .
T B C
Helllo I must go out now so a slight delay folks
Sorry about that, needs must.
So as I mentioned Father died and part of me also, if you listen to the Furies The Old Man the words could be written for Dad, and although I did not notice it at first a creeping depression was lurking and if its one thing I fear most Its depression , it takes the fight out of me and do I need to fight for the Prostate problem is making life awkward but by a strange coincidence I noticed a hightened hypersexuality also and as my dear wife and I no lo that our longer share the marital bed never mind any form of physical activity , I began to explore the dark world of Adult vids and I am ashamed to say it became a addiction, and if I say my wife became shockingly aware of my need for this form of entertainment no less than three times and despite assurances that I would desist it was the ultimation that my marriage was at risk that finally got through and a rationing of the Laptop of course, but taking my source of knowledge away tipped me deeeper into the Dark, if watching horny movies had worked all the aggro would have at least had some use but as nothing in the sexual dept functions if you get my meaning ,and so it is today, I will post this and continue.!
Sorry Im having to do it like this but it will vapourise in a fragment of time,
Now our relationship is blighted the worst part is I want her so bad even a hug would be treasured but no, my Lady has morphed into my nurse carer and thats it, no kisses caresses hugs just a cold aloofness which is hard to take, especially with memories of her torrid past still clear and pushing me deeper every minute , I will skip a couple of years as they blend into the present and the passionless life we have is ongoing only now BLACKHEART is on top form scoring lethal hits with every broadside andI also am accompanied by a pain unlike anything I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED its in my lower back and mostly left thigh, with occasional right ditto, when it strikes it makes me want to vomit , bringing tears to my eyes and has a amazing effect on my bowels so venturing too far from a loo is not feasible I know this also breeds resentment and I have appointments pending to investigate the source of the pain but ohh how I LONG FOR A HUG at least the pain has suppressed the hypersex thing some exchange eh,, so onward,,, onward to the most crushing event ever in my life, the date 05 02 2016 And the death of my Mother and the black cloud enveloped me losing my Mother was like opening the floodgates to BLACKHEART and I became another person the loss too heavy for old Fed, the new fed was harder unbending non breakable I made decisions set limits and goals and placed things in order of importance the pain is very very severe and on a scale of 1 to 100,, its around 1. 230.000 at the moment , its so bad I expect it to kill me anyday soon, but its also making me fight,, its myy own personal war I dont know if you can understand, its like two marathon runners in a last gasp run to the end to life or death.
This whole totally confusing bewildering long term mentally draining affair has built me a stronger platform with which I will continue to battle this evil entity disolving by brain and mind, but it will be hard, for instance as you will know I have the CAD-LegacyDuodopa device which was fitted nearly five years ago , I was told to expect 5 to 7 years before the effectiveness would lessen well guess what its effectiveness is declining, I am having terrifying shutdowns (almost total ) and the machines recent tweaking to allow me to wear it all night enabling mobility in the early hrs caused by the Ptate ? is only mildly successful but it is infinitely adjustable so we do have room to adjust further this is not without cost,, the more DuoCarbodopa the pump delivers seems to incurhypersex or worse, the most horrible of horrible dreams,so I win I lose ad infinitum, I will end it here and await replies,, the QUESTION Does trauma somehow strengthen the Parkybrain.
Answers ona postcard or here even
I decided to edit my thoughts as I Got the message across I think
I'm so sorry to read this and to hear about all the pain you've been going through over the past few months, and I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and mother - this must have been so difficult for you. It sounds like you've been through so much.
Please do remember that always help is out there and you're not alone, as you know the forum is a great place to talk to others and our Helpline team are on 0808 800 0303 or [email protected] - they will be really happy to help you however they can with support and information. And you can also call the Samaritans at any time on 116 123.
Take care, and let us know how you're getting on.
Joanne - Digital team.
So sorry. Hope yur new determination helps a little. I feel helpless to think of the right words to say. Am thinking of you. Will be in hospital for rest of this week, but will look out for you on forum when released back to the wild.
Take care and hope things improve for you.
Hello Joanne, Casie and Porthos thank you for your kind replies , things are difficult just now with huge mood swings some days Im strong while others I simply weep most of the day, oh if you throw in a fearful water infection complete with vivid hallucinations it really gets interesting, I am lucky my dear wife has stood by me really though I know it has been very hard for her, I do love her and hope we can weather this massive storm,as I will stop living if any thing happened to her,
Hope all is well re ops
oh Fed. The only thing I can offer is Broccoli water or soup. Chop up the broccoli, incl stems and boil and then what I do, is put in a stock cube to make it more palatable and blitz the whole thing. For some reason this helps my husband when he has prostate troubles. You might want to give it a go. Sounds like you have not much to loose.
<<<hugs>>> to you
So sad to read of your distress
hopefully the Forum can offer some comfort
Hi, fedexlike --
You have had trial after trial under the grip of this hideous affliction! And, as you know, I have followed your story and feel great sympathy for all you have so bravely weathered. I knew that hypersexuality could result from the use of pramipexole; I experienced it for a period myself and remember another forum member telling of her solution of writing racy novels. But apparently other PD-related causes are possible, too. Of course, my dealings with that issue were those of a woman. I cannot offer you advice, only the hope that your dear wife can understand your need for affection at such a time. Your love for her is obvious; I remember my late husband's frequent prediction, which you echo, that he would die (spiritually even if not physically) if I should die first. When I was first dx, he was determined to live on to be my caregiver. Hah! Ironic twists await around every corner in life. I served as his caregiver instead for his final months until cancer finally took his life. Although a part of me certainly died with him, I continue alone and cannot complain about my current welfare. The difference is that when I need a caregiver, I shall hire professionals by moving into an assisted living facility rather than having the choice of staying with a spouse.
I do wish you relief from pain and nightmares and depression and any other PD curses that strike. I'll keep in touch and hope you will keep posting.
Hello Oregon Lady and kind person,also all of my buddies who have wished me well, aaaahmm could you wish a bit harder as BLACKHEART is using my arch enemy Dee Pression,( nastysneakybarsteard ) to kill me, yes yes, let me elaborate ,, the PD is disabling me at least 4or 5 days per week, and when I am disabled any offers by my wife or my friends to take me to my favourite places I must decline and of course when they leave, 10 mns later I can knock doors out of windows, I did precisely that while visiting my mate Ian,and was like a pig in muck ,??? my dearest buddy had hired a KUBOTA U55-4 or a excavtor ( 360) to dig out the footingns and drains for his new extension, he rang me and asked for my opinion on this Diorama he was constructing (he also collects 1/50 scale heavy plant models) I reluctantly agreed to his request and had no idea the true reason he needed me. When we turned into the Coal de Sack,, yes yes I know,,my eyes lit up, (they are powered by 2 duracel rechargables , not ,sorry ) the little KUB had arrived straight from the dealers and was completely unmarked , it was wearing a 600, BUCKET, with a 400 spare, "I thought you would like to see if you still have it( skills ) and I know I can trust you", I wept buckets, both excitement fear and expectations by my goodest mate , who also had tears rolling down his face,, /?? well come on yi soft bugger come and have a look ,, so I surveyed the dig which effectively doubled the size off his home and quickly worked out my plan o attack, he had also hired a THWAITES 5 ton capacity a great machine for this type of work, so" mount up " I cried and I inserted the isolator key to bing the truly excellent litte KUBto life and trundled into Ians back garden, oh not before fitting the 1mtr bucket (BULK HANDLING) bucket as the topsoil had to be stripped for the engineer o mark out the footings we started at 0915 and the excelent little 5.5ton Kub removed the last few crumbs of soil at 1145,, the engineer Paul and Ian marked out the founds which were all 600s ,and very awkward and after a bite to eat we started at 1.00 , well it all came back to me I will have to leave it there a beloved has rationed my time on my lapop after my shamefull adventures so I will complete his tale ASAP
So the engineer marked out the foundations with white spray paint and with a blip on the start button the Kub sprang to life, now bear in mind I had not operated any machine since 99 but as I tracked onto site it seemed like only yesterday, (white lace and promises a kiss for luck and were on our way) huw sang thows wirds ,woodwirker clue
So I aligned the machine on the first line and six hrs later supppose I SAY it myself I completed the task in a very professional way , then after much patting of back, I had to part company with the excellent Kub and as we were approached FED TOWERS two bed semi,, I lapsed into black depression and my question is this WHY WHY when I was carving the clay in Ians garden I was totally different person happy as a pig in smellies, the once I stopped a black cloud descended and lasted all day, why can I NOT feel satisfied in a job well done???its the same applies whatever and whenever I TRY anything,
A very sed FED,, YES I know but sed rhymes with FED Sad disney
I can relate to what you are saying as I have the same thing.
i think it is just the condition and for me it helps if I allow myself to feel whatever it is.
i have 5 things I use to help with the dep.anxiety
1. Recognition - I feel....
2. Acceptance - it is ok to ...
3. Writing - keep notebook, Blog
4. Mindfulness - using breathing to stop racing, over whelming thoughts
5. Distraction- small tasks, activities
Suddenly as if by magic the agonising pain in my left hip and thigh has gone away , it has been less savage Thursday and Friday,, then almost all day yesterday, and now its gone, and I am very happy as it had me 95% disabled, in my so the plan to climb the north face of the Eiger,,is back on,, err well no its not its a very silly idea so no wont be doing that, however It was a trapped nerve apparently now how does that happen , anybody,,, why do nerves trap themselves surly there is enough room in my body to escape the trappers, hide behind my liver or my spleen, or even in a lung all those tubes in my lungs would be a exellent place to hide, but no the daft bu???r has to get trapped and cause its host (me) agony has anyone else suffered in this way, perhaps its the forced stoop of PD VICTIMS that causes it so my appointment for the CT scan on Tuesday 7.30pm should I keep it or let someone else take my place,, what can I say " eh WELL I HAD A PAIN BUT ITS GONE AGAIN, like a xpress train down a very big drain driving me insane worser than a migraine ,", will wordsorth hah,,
Well, fed, what can I say? You get some fellows out of pain, and they turn into poets! You have a copy of my efforts at poetry, so it's a fair exchange, I guess.
Except for my morning creakiness, I am still pain-free most of the time. But age as well as PD can take its toll. That is the main reason that I am travelling so much: I know I won't always be able to haul luggage around an airport. From my location in Oregon, I am taking two short trips soon, one to Seattle and one to Hawaii. The first is partly to play tourist in my neighbouring state of Washington and partly to visit with family. The second I am taking alone in order to focus for a few days on finishing up my second collection of poetry, which I hope to have on Amazon by January. Other travel will wait till 2017.
Sincerely hoping your pains stay at bay (behind your liver or pancreas or whatever),
As you can see Lady J of Grey, I am very pleased to here from you dear friend and if you dont mind me saying you look very pretty this sunny morning in Geordieland,, and thank you for your approving approval?? of my poetry, thats me on the left by the way and my Brother wearing my RAYBANS he was visiting me as his Grandson Callum is starting his first term at Newcastle University, , he (Callum) is a , or really nice natured young lad and has settled into Uni life well, mind when I say he lived in a compact two bed (three with a fold up) with his Mam Dad and four siblings , yes four Caleb Connor Chris and C Caddwen where DO they get these names J ,,I it must be peacefully blissfullness? at Uni ,, as I was about to say, when my Brother visits my RAY BANS disappear , "Oh can I borrow your RBs FED " notice the word borrow, and I never see them again ,still what are Brothers for eh, if you cant nick things of value off your Brother who can you nick things off, or should that be from.
You are on the road again then you keep PD at bay that way which is excellent by the way , keeping your intellect sharp as a box wearing red socks, ? or blue even, as my Cousin Steven, (twice removed) as he wont go voluntarily ,but he is family so what do I do , as I said Will Wordsworth who was he again, and did I mention looking good Lady J.
Always at your service
Hi Fedex - didn't know you were from the North East were I'm from. I originally came from Sunderland, moved to the midlands when I was a slip of a lass, and been here ever since! Though I sense we are from different sides of the river?? Nevertheless we are still neighbours in a way, and I too have a grandson named Callum, funny old world is'nt it?
Take care - Sheila
Good morrow fellow Geordie, I hail from the small town or large village whichever is appropriate of Seaton Delaval, Northumberland NE25 do you lnow it.
The reason I am posting this post is this,no doubt you will all have heard of Aversion Therapy thats where if you are obsessed with some thing or someone and its becoming unhealthy, such a my hypersexuality and very unhealthy porn fixation, then you get a 2000 volt charge at the first sign of such behaviour ,in other words pain very painfull pain, well it works and I can tell you how it worked for me, but it will have to be later as beloved is going out now and she does not trust me with my pc so LATERSdear friends